Content Warning: Postpartum Depression
When people think of new parents inviting their baby into their home, they might think of the sleepless nights and struggles with breastfeeding, but for the most part, the image they probably have in their mind is pretty idyllic and beautiful.
Few people, if anyone, will immediately think of the horribly sad fact that many parents will be dealing with Postpartum Depression, as well, cringed the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor SharpListens loved his wife and child very much, and he empathized with his wife’s struggles with Postpartum Depression, though he wasn’t totally sure how to help her.
But when she repeatedly lashed out at him, blaming him for her condition, before eventually telling him that she wasn’t attracted to him anymore, the Original Poster (OP) wasn’t sure he could handle staying in the relationship any longer.
He asked the sub:
“AITAH for going through the motions after my postpartum wife told me she doesn’t find me attractive anymore?”
The OP’s wife struggled after the birth of their first baby.
“My wife and I have been married for two years and together for six.”
“A few months ago, my wife gave birth, and while it was very exciting, my wife did struggle a bit.”
“I tried to help out as much as I could, but my wife just kept lashing out at me until one day she said she doesn’t find me attractive anymore at all.”
“That was a sharp blow and stung a lot. My wife seemed to have realized the effect of her words, and she instantly apologized and even cried.”
It was soon discovered that the wife’s actions were caused by Postpartum Depression.
“Shortly after, we went to the doctor, and she was prescribed meds for PPD (Postpartum Depression).”
“The meds did have an almost instant effect, and my wife’s mood improved a lot after she started taking the meds.”
But the damage for the OP was already done.
“However, I can never forget those words my wife said, and I am just going through the motions now.”
“I am on autopilot and helping out with our baby as much as I can, but I just don’t have any desire for intimacy with my wife even though she wants it.”
“My wife has apologized many times and feels very guilty about it, and I’ve told her it’s okay.”
“But I just want to wait it out until our baby is a year and a half old, and things are stable, and that’s when I’ll decide the next steps.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some urged the OP to be honest with his wife instead of saying everything was “okay.”
“You shouldn’t tell her it’s okay when it’s not. It’s not your job to make her feel less guilty after damaging your self-worth and trust in her as a partner. You don’t need to punish her, but you do not need to tell her it’s okay. I’m sure one comment sticks out, but her repeatedly lashing out over and over is what made it feel true and hurt you.”
“You don’t owe her intimacy, and you should tell her why you aren’t interested in it right now.”
“You can go through the motions and decide what to do in a year and a half but pretending everything is okay and silently resenting her is a death sentence for your marriage. You can choose that if you want, but the other option is to convey your true feelings and not pretend you aren’t deeply hurt by her actions.”
“She needs to take responsibility, explain her true feelings, and explain why she got to the point she did where she was blaming you for her bad feelings. She also needs a plan that includes talk therapy and not just drugs to deal with her issues.”
“Don’t take her PPD lightly and trust that the medicine is helpful. NTA.” – DietAny5009
“Just tell her the truth. Don’t say, ‘Everything is okay’ if it isn’t. That will just build resentment for you.”
“PPD is really awful, so please take that into account.” – GlobalTraveler65
“NTA. But it’s important to be honest with her about how you’re feeling instead of saying, ‘It’s okay’ when it’s not. Those words hit hard, and it’s completely normal to need time to process them, especially when they come from someone you love.”
“PPD is a huge factor, so keeping that in mind is important, but it doesn’t mean your feelings aren’t valid. It might help to have a conversation with her and possibly seek counseling together to navigate this tough time.” – Patient_Extent3304
“It’s understandable that you’re hurt, and you’re not an AH for feeling the way you do.”
“Even though your wife’s words were likely a result of her struggles with postpartum depression, it doesn’t make the impact any less painful. You’ve done the right thing by supporting her and helping with the baby, but it’s also important to acknowledge your own feelings.”
“Right now, it sounds like you’re in a tough place, and taking time to let things settle before making any decisions is wise. However, consider talking with a therapist, both individually and as a couple.”
“Working through this together could help rebuild trust and intimacy, especially if you both want to move forward. It’s crucial to give yourself grace, but also to address these feelings so they don’t fester.” – iammyougirlfriendd
Others agreed and found it clear that the couple needed therapy, together and separately.
“My strong suggestion would be to get individual therapy with someone who specializes in family issues. You’ve clearly suffered lasting hurt that you’ve not been able to work through. That’s entirely reasonable for something that painful.”
“The only thing I’d like to say that you might consider is that some people who are depressed express that by becoming angry. They lash out at the people they are closest to.”
“That doesn’t make it right or fair. That doesn’t mean you should just take it either. It’s just some additional info to consider as you sort through things.” – Salty_Interview_5311
“NTA, but you two really need to communicate. PPD is an absolute b***h, plain and simple. That’s not an excuse, I’m not saying you shouldn’t feel the way you feel, but with PPD, you’re not in your proper state of mind.”
“And it’s not always going to present in the sad, crying, potentially suicidal type of way. With my first and second I was so intensely angry at everyone except my baby. My moods were extreme and my actions could be too.”
“Letting this kind of upset and resentment fester instead of communicating about it isn’t going to solve anything. It’s just prolonging an inevitable end to your relationship.”
“If you want to work on things then you need to start working on them now. If the end goal is just to end things, then there’s also no reason to keep yourself stuck in a situation you don’t want to be in knowing you’re just going to leave anyway.” – crysslyeee90
“OP, I think you need counseling, too. PPD is a horrible thing and you as the partner have witnessed it manifest in ways that have impacted you. NAH and you’re not but you need help.”
“When you’re suffering from any kind of depression the reward system in your brain tends to break down leading to a state called ‘anhedonia.’ In this state, you become less capable of experiencing pleasure, be it emotional pleasure or sometimes even physical pleasure.”
“Things you previously enjoyed become kind of empty and hollow as you no longer get any joy or reward from them. It is difficult to communicate how horrible this state is, or what it does to your perception.”
“What I’m getting at is that it is very likely at the time she said that, your wife was not capable of experiencing sexual attraction at all, and it’s very possible she didn’t understand why. You cannot trust her perception of the situation or her knowledge of her own emotions when she is in that state. It is very possible that she felt like she meant what she said, but that doesn’t mean it is worth giving it any credibility.”
“After six years, you probably know your wife well enough to be able to tell whether she’s attracted to you. My advice is not to take what she said at face value, but to trust in your own instincts as well.” – Odd_Anything_6670
“I had pretty severe PPD and PPA (Postpartum Depression and Postpartum Anxiety) with both of my kids. A big part of it is no longer seeing things the way they really are. I have chronic depression and anxiety, but PPD/A was a whole different level.”
“Her lashing out was not okay. It wasn’t. Her saying something so damaging was not okay. All that to say, OP, she might not have found you attractive at the time because she didn’t find anything to be pleasant in any way. Chemical imbalances will do that.”
“Not to mention it’s completely natural and normal for AFAB people not to feel attraction or want intimacy when they have just given birth, especially if she’s breastfeeding. She shouldn’t have told you that she was feeling that way, but please, OP, when it starts to hurt your self-esteem, remind yourself that it wasn’t the long-term reality, it was the short-term situation of having a new baby and mental illness.”
“I’m not saying you have to forgive her or move past it. I’m simply saying that if you can, try not to let it damage your self-esteem. She said something horrible to you and treated you badly. Mental illness or not, she’s responsible for that behavior. You need to be totally honest with her about how hurt you are and how difficult it is for you to move past it.”
“If you can, I would say you should both go to therapy, individual and couple’s therapy. After you’ve both had time to process things properly, then make the decision on what to do with regards to your marriage.” – ImReallyNotKarl
The subReddit felt terrible on the OP’s behalf and his wife’s.
Postpartum Depression is nothing to take lightly, and what is said while struggling with it should be taken with a grain of salt. However, that doesn’t change how hurtful those comments might be, and it’s important for everyone involved to have a chance to process those feelings.