When a parent or important friend or family member has walked on, people often want to include them in future events and celebrations.
That can be done in a variety of ways. But it should be sensitive to the feelings of the other people in their lives.
A mother turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback over her daughter’s plans to honor her late ex-husband during her upcoming wedding.
MinuteComfortable992 asked:
“AITA for refusing to sit next to a picture of my late husband and telling my daughter I will not be going to her wedding if that is her plan?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“My late ex-husband and I didn’t have a good relationship. He struggled with alcoholism and ultimately drank himself to death after I divorced him.”
“After some time, I remarried, but my daughter doesn’t get along with my new husband. They have a strained relationship, and I married him while she was in college.”
“She has hated that I have remarried and is kinda a d*ck to my husband.”
“My daughter is getting married soon, and while I’m excited for her, I’ve had some concerns about how she’s planning the wedding. She mentioned wanting to include a picture of my late husband at the ceremony, which I completely understand as a way to honor him.”
“However, she also wants me to sit next to his picture during the ceremony, and my husband would sit elsewhere. I told her that I’m not comfortable with that arrangement.
“I also learned she wanted me to sit with a picture at the family table, and my husband wouldn’t be sitting there either.”
“I told her no. She got upset and said I was being selfish and disrespectful to her and her father’s memory. I told her that if that’s her plan, I won’t be able to attend the wedding.”
“She called me a jerk, and now the family is involved.”
“It’s not just a picture, it’s the disrespect.
“I divorced him. I wouldn’t sit next to him if he was alive. Why should I if he is dead (which makes it weirder).”
“Also, it’s just uncomfortable, like I can never be rid of him. Even though I divorced him and he is dead, I am still not free from him.”
“I don’t want to sit next to my ex-husband at all. I do not like him even in death.”
“It is uncomfortable and weird.”
The OP summed up their situation.
“AITA for refusing to sit next to a picture of my late ex-husband through a wedding and reception while my husband has to sit elsewhere and telling my daughter I will not be going to her wedding if that is her plan.”
“I could be a jerk for not doing it and telling her I will not come to the wedding if she wants me to do that.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“Honestly, since you divorced before he passed, he’s not even your late husband. He’s your ex-husband. She can honor his memory all day long, but it would be ridiculous to sit you next to your ex instead of your spouse even if your ex was still alive.”
“I could see a modest compromise of sitting next to the picture and your spouse during the ceremony if you feel comfortable with that, but eating dinner with a picture of your ex instead of your actual spouse is absurd. NTA.” ~ mango_bingo
“Part of me wonders if this is really about honoring her dad or just trying to screw over her stepdad. NTA.”
“She does not like him, and it feels a bit like she cooked up this whole mom sitting next to a picture frame thing so she could have a reason (a nonsensical one) to seat stepdad somewhere else, both for ceremony and reception.”
“Seating a picture in a frame seems comical and unhinged, whereas if her relationship with dad was so important, a small tasteful table set up with some photos of her and dad together over the years makes so much more sense.” ~ FeistyDuckling31
“Have you had this talk with her: ‘I’m glad you love your dad; I want you to always love your dad and hold him in high regard for all the ways he was important to you.'”
“‘But you are an adult now, and you are capable of separating your dad from my husband. You are old enough to understand that he was not a good husband to me. We divorced for VERY good reasons’.”
“‘Now it is beautiful and right of you to honour your dad at your wedding. I love the idea of you having his photo at your ceremony. That’s so lovely. I even love the idea of him being at the reception. And I’m happy to talk to you about ideas for featuring him in both things’.”
“‘But asking me to sit with his photo, as if we were happily married when he died—when we were not. Asking me to sit alone. Which clearly means you are punishing my husband and me. That is selfish’.”
“‘Your dad and I were not married when he died. And if he hadn’t drank himself to death, we would not be sitting anywhere near each other at your wedding’.”
“‘I can’t tell if you are trying to have some kind of childish illusion of us being together or if your motivation is cruelty to me, but either way, it’s not right, it’s not healthy, and I will not participate, and it has nothing to do with me being selfish’.”
“‘If you would like, I am so happy to talk to you about some lovely ways we can honor and feature your dad in your ceremony and reception. And if you’d prefer my husband not sit at the family table, I will sit with him at a guest table’.”
“‘But if you insist on this insulting delusion, then I’m going to have to bow out. It’s really up to what you prefer and WHY you are really trying to do this to me’.”
“I would say this whole thing calmly and gently and I’d also have this talk in person with her fiance with her so he’s in the loop and can ask her what her motivation is.”
“NTA. But try and deescalate it by sticking to these facts and the why.” ~ LimitlessMegan
“NTA. It’s 100% fair enough that she feels inclined to honor her father at her wedding, but there’s definitely a limit to what is reasonable of her to expect from you in regards to it. Particularly expecting your husband to sit elsewhere while she seats you next to your ex-husband’s photo—yikes!”
“You set a perfectly reasonable boundary, and the fact that she doesn’t like the choice in front of her is a her problem and the fact that she’s completely unbothered by your explicit discomfort with her plans makes her the selfish and disrespectful one in this scenario.” ~ hannahkelli
“Yeah. It’s one thing to honor her relationship with her father.”
“It is quite another for her to ask her mom to pretend to have a relationship with her ex-husband that she hasn’t had for years, to act as some sort of prop.”
“The first doesn’t require the second, and it’s creepy to treat her living mom and her deceased father like dolls she can boop together and say ‘Now kiss!’.” ~ FullMoonTwist
“NTA. A simple compassion exercise would hopefully solve this. Imagine things were reversed, and she were asked to attend a wedding with her fiancé, but would not be able to be in proximity to her fiancé.”
“Instead, she must sit next to an image of a toxic ex who the bride had a great relationship with. Wouldn’t she find that very disrespectful? Wouldn’t she feel hurt by someone who loves her asking her to disrespect her partner and herself?”
“Something brides and grooms need to learn is that their big day is NOT all about them. They don’t get to run roughshod over human decency to fulfill some strange fairytale. That’s not reality.”
“I think you’ve extended plenty of grace in understanding that your daughter had a positive relationship with her father, and therefore his memory would be included in her wedding. In asking you to actively disrespect your husband, she is crossing a line.”
“Your boundary is reasonable. I’m so sorry your daughter is not currently capable of processing basic human empathy.” ~ victrin
“NTA. Of course she wants to remember her dad and have him present at her wedding. I’m sure the loss is painful and significant as she approaches this important day.”
“But having you sit next to a photo, especially considering your history with him, is ghoulish. You divorced and that’s not a light decision.”
“You had to make a hard choice in life to no longer tie yourself to him, and having you sit next to a photo of him ties you back together in his death.”
“There are ways of honoring the dead and remembering them during milestones, but your daughter doesn’t get to disrespect the living in order to do so.” ~ anotherintro
It’s hard to know what is motivating her daughter, but OP is under no obligation to indulge her whims.