Most of us have known someone who was “overly friendly,” perhaps at school or at work, and they tried to excuse their behavior with being “friendly” or “harmless.”
But even these people who claim to be friendly should be held accountable, pointed out the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Emergency_Cry_9618 was alarmed when his wife revealed that a man had been making advances at her at work, so he decided to try to help her by talking to the guy.
When the guy insisted that he was just being friendly and later spread rumors around the workplace that the Original Poster (OP) was the one causing problems, he wondered if he created more problems by helping his wife than just staying silent.
He asked the sub:
“AITAH for confronting a coworker who hit on my wife and for causing a huge rift at work?”
The OP and his wife worked for the same company.
“I (32 Male) have been married to my wife (30 Female) for five years. We’ve always had a strong relationship, and I thought we were both pretty secure in it.”
“I work at a mid-sized company, and I’ve been there for about six years now.”
“My wife works for the same company, but in a different department. We don’t work together directly, but we see each other around the office.”
The OP recently found out there was a coworker who was interested in his wife.
“A couple of weeks ago, I found out that a coworker, Jake, has been hitting on my wife.”
“I had no idea about this until my wife mentioned it to me one evening. She seemed kind of uncomfortable but didn’t really make a big deal of it at the time.”
“Apparently, Jake has been sending her overly personal texts, complimenting her looks excessively, and even asking her out for drinks after work, which she turned down.”
“When she told me about it, she seemed worried that it would escalate, and I could tell it made her feel really awkward.”
The OP decided to try to help his wife, but he may have taken things too far.
“Now, I don’t know if I overreacted, but I decided to confront Jake about it.”
“I didn’t want to make a scene, but I felt like it was necessary to put him in his place and let him know that this behavior was completely inappropriate, especially given that we’re both married and I don’t want anyone making my wife feel uncomfortable.”
“I pulled Jake aside during lunch one day and told him that I was aware of what he’d been doing and that he needed to stop. I didn’t yell or threaten him, I just laid it out clearly that his behavior wasn’t acceptable.”
“He looked shocked and said I was overreacting, and that it was just harmless flirting.”
“I told him it wasn’t harmless, and that if it continued, I’d have to escalate it to HR (Human Resources).”
“After that conversation, Jake was distant with me at work, but it didn’t stop there.”
As a result, Jake decided to create problems for the OP at work.
“A few days later, Jake started spreading rumors around the office about our conversation, and some people began whispering behind my back.”
“A few of my coworkers have approached me asking what happened, and a couple of them even said I should have just let it go, saying I was being possessive and insecure.”
“Now I feel like I’ve created a hostile work environment for myself and my wife, and people are starting to treat us differently. I’m even hearing from people I work closely with that they think I should’ve handled it more professionally.”
“I’m now questioning if I was wrong for confronting him the way I did. I thought I was standing up for my wife and protecting our relationship, but now I feel like I’ve caused a huge mess at work.”
“My wife feels guilty, even though I told her it’s not her fault at all. She’s more upset about the tension it’s caused with my coworkers, but I honestly don’t regret confronting Jake.”
“So, Reddit, was I wrong for confronting my coworker and causing a rift at work, or should I have just let it go?”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some insisted that the OP’s wife go to Human Resources (HR) immediately.
“NTA. Your wife needs to go to HR.”
“Especially if she still has the ‘overly personal texts.’ This coworker knows that he is in the wrong and is now trying to make OP look like the bad guy.”
“OP is not the bad guy and NTA. Maybe he should have tried a more official approach to the problem given how much of a drama queen jerk this coworker appears to be. Spouse had to be willing to go to HR too, though. Maybe they will now.” – Boog_Tooler01
“NTA. Respecting your wife’s boundaries isn’t being ‘possessive’; it’s called being a decent partner. Jake crossed the line, and you handled it calmly without making a scene. The fact that he ran to spread rumors says way more about him than it does about you.” – NaughtyMysticMuse
“One man’s harmless flirting is often one woman’s sexual harassment. Go to HR. That’s what they’re there for.” – FirmCalligrapher639
“There will always be a Jake. Physical harm doesn’t shy people away from being Jake, and the threat of HR surely won’t, either.”
“Repercussions teach Jakes to not be douchebags, and some still never learn after they have nothing. They will blame everyone else around them. You can’t fix every Jake, but you can at least take the appropriate actions so that Jake doesn’t Jake someone else.”
“In other words, if someone is h**lbent on being a creepy d-bag, there is nothing I can do to PREVENT it, but there are tons you can do to negate it from happening again. Most of these start with a conversation with HR, creating a case with evidence.”
“That’s what you and your wife should have done in the first place, but now that you are here, it’s the next best step now, right now.” – Talking_-_Head
Others reassured the OP that he had been professional, but it was time to involve HR.
“OP said if it happens again, he’d go to HR.”
“He didn’t threaten to kick his a**. He didn’t punch him in the face (although I’m sure he wanted to). He didn’t do anything but tell the guy to stop hitting on his wife; he was making her uncomfortable, and his advances were not welcome.”
“How much more professional could he have been?” – LadyBug_0570
“Yeah, they should have gone to HR first. Taking people aside is for minor unintentional things, like if he was single and she was single, and he asked her out once.”
“Even if both parties are single and one keeps asking the other out, then you should go to HR. The fact they are both married and he keeps on doing it is an HR red flag.”
“I just want to know who these id**ts are saying this is an overreaction. it is an under reaction if anything.” – Horror-Layer-8178
“NTA. I think you and your wife should still go to HR. Jake is the one creating a hostile work environment. He’s sexually harassing your wife and spreading rumors. He needs to be stopped. Also, why are people believing anything he has to say anyways?” – Away-Understanding34
“Everyone here that says go to HR, it’s not a bad idea, but go with a plan. REMEMBER, HR is there to protect the organization. I work in HR. When you go, approach with a plan in plan. Here is a plan you can use.”
“1. Explain the situation objectively: a coworker has been flirting with you, and you have asked them to stop, but the behavior has continued.”
“2. Emphasize that this makes you uncomfortable and negatively impacts your work environment.”
“3. Highlight how the continued flirtatious behavior, despite your requests to stop, could be detrimental to the company.”
“4. Note that the behavior may be creating a hostile work environment and could potentially lead to legal issues for the organization if not addressed.”
“5. Request that HR intervene to put a stop to the unwanted advances and document the conversation and any further steps taken.”
“6. Suggest potential solutions, such as moving workstations, issuing a formal warning to the coworker, or other disciplinary measures if the behavior does not cease.”
“7. State that you want to resolve this professionally and discreetly but that you require the company’s assistance to maintain a comfortable, productive, and lawful workplace.”
“Remember the phrase HOSTILE WORK ENVIRONMENT. If you do not receive an immediate response you will consider leaving the company as a ‘constructive discharge.'”
“The key is to approach it from the perspective of it being a serious issue that requires the company’s attention to protect yourself and the organization. Stick to the facts and frame it as a business concern that needs to be addressed.” – Apprehensive-Ad6847
While the subReddit understood why the OP was concerned and why he spoke up for his wife, they hoped that the couple’s next step was going to Human Resources to explain what had been happening and how the situation had recently escalated.
While HR may have not been able to do anything about the flirting, they’d likely have no choice but to do something about the current work environment.