Too often, we hear stories of people who discover who their partners “really are” after being married for years, and then it can be really hard for them to separate themselves completely from them after building a life with them.
So while breaking up an engagement and canceling wedding plans is undoubtedly stressful, it’s much less messy to find out differences sooner rather than later, pointed out the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Square-Plane-4414 didn’t think his girlfriend was that “progressive,” based on what he knew about her family, but he never would have expected the feelings she harbored against his brother.
When they were planning the wedding and who to invite, the Original Poster (OP) discovered how she really felt and had no problem ending things before they had the chance to say, “I do.”
He asked the sub:
“AITAH for canceling our wedding after my fiancée said something disgusting about my little brother?”
The OP found himself in a tough spot.
“I’m in a tough spot at the moment. My fiancée, Karen (32 Female), and I (31 Male) were about to get married in a bit more than six months.”
“Everything started to go bad when we started to talk about the guest list. Karen had been saying for a while she didn’t want my little brother, Chad (26 Male), for a while, but she wouldn’t give me a real explanation.”
“I’ve told her many times that my brother’s presence was absolutely not negotiable, though.”
The OP would include his brother on his wedding day no matter what.
“Chad and I have always been super close. Our parents weren’t abusive or anything, but they weren’t really the serious kind of parents. They would often drop us at grandma’s to go party, and as soon as I was old enough to take care of us both, they just left the house and the bro for me to handle.”
“This is a trash way to treat your kids sure, but at least it allowed us to bond super, super, super close. I’m not exaggerating when I say he is my favorite person in the whole world, I would take a bullet for him, and I think the only people who could brag about being as loved as I love him are my future kids.”
“My baby brother’s presence at my wedding is not something I am willing to sacrifice AT ALL.”
The OP soon realized how serious his future wife was about not including his brother.
“A few days ago, the topic of the guests came back on the table, and Karen said one more time that she doesn’t want Chad there.”
“I was really getting p**sed at that point and told her there wouldn’t be a wedding at all if he wasn’t there, so she better either drop it or leave. Then I asked her why the h**l she didn’t want him there in the first place.”
“So that b***h told me she doesn’t want a [f-word] there on her wedding day and that her family didn’t approve of his ‘lifestyle.'”
“I was like, Did she really just say that? I knew she wasn’t exactly the progressive type, but it never got that far. My brother is the sweetest, kindest, purest soul on earth, I couldn’t believe she would hate him so much for something so trivial.”
“Chad is bi; he came out to me when he was 20 and he looked so d**n scared. I told him I loved him no matter what of course, and I promised myself I wouldn’t let anyone else make him feel that scared or hurt ever again.”
“I couldn’t even imagine that woman in the same room as him after what she just said, so I told her we were f**king done. I asked her to gie me back the ring (that she reluctantly gave back) before telling her she had 10 minutes to pack her things and get the f**k out of my house before I called the cops.”
The OP canceled all the wedding plans and started to move on.
“I canceled everything for the wedding and told everyone who would ask the exact reason why Karen and I were done.”
“Sweet Chad obviously heard of it and saw the proportion this drama was gaining. He even told me it was not a big deal if he’s not there; he just wanted me to be happy.”
“I told him my big day was meant to be the happiest in my life and it wouldn’t f**king be without him. And I certainly can’t be happy with someone like Karen, given who she really is.”
“Now she is back to her parents’ house, and some of our mutual friends have really distanced themselves from her.”
There was, of course, backlash for the OP standing up for his brother.
“I’ve got a lot of texts from her family, all more hateful than the previous one, and I ended up blocking them all.”
“Karen, on the other hand, hasn’t been really aggressive or anything, just alternating between guilt tripping and crying, saying how I ruined her life (news spread like wildfire apparently) and that she can’t believe I ruined our four-year relationship over a word.”
“But not once, NOT ONCE she has apologized for what she told about Chad so I know even more I don’t want to do anything to do with her anymore.”
“Maybe I’m the AH, but I don’t think so, and honestly, I think she deserves every part of the backlash she is getting. She has to face the consequences of her hatred, and it’s great her true self has been revealed to the world, in my opinion. Who even says that in Seattle anyway (laughing out loud)?”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that this would have just been the beginning of his ex’s bad behavior.
“NTA. Her showing you that she didn’t want him at the wedding was just the start of her trying to make you choose between him or her.”
“I highly doubt she would have ‘allowed’ him at your house if you got married. And can you imagine what she would do if y’all had kids? She would have made sure your brother couldn’t go near them. And she probably would have kicked them out if THEY came out as gay.” – SerenityLunaMay
“For future reference as a big sister, you’re NEVER overreacting. I love my brother the same way you love yours. If someome told me I don’t want your brother at our wedding, I’d be sending them packing (literally) the same second they utter these words.”
“That alone, to me, warrants a breakup because of the fact that they even thought that saying that was in any way acceptable. Also, my reply to someone like her in that situation guilt-tripping me would’ve been, ‘I didn’t ruin your life, your rotten personality did,’ and then blocked them.”
“I will always choose my brother in any given situation.” – delinaX
“NTA. Why would you marry anyone who talked about your beloved brother with such contempt? You saw her true colors and made the right decision.” – Prodigal_Lemon
“She thought she could hide Who she REALLY IS until After the marriage and then be able to manipulate OP into distancing himself from his brother.”
“OP, YOU ROCK! I was preparing to go for the jugular when you called your ex a b***h! Then I kept reading and I must tell you that you left out a few descriptive words. Those include dirty, insensitive, insecure, disrespectful, dirty…”
“Other than my glambaby, my children are the greatest loves of my entire life! So of Everything your parents did wrong, they created not just one but TWO special young men! Your brother was willing to step back for you. Just as you were willing to step up for him!”
“By the way… She’s embarrassed, NOT heartbroken. She never dreamed you would choose your brother (and your own values) over her.” – Interesting_Dog1970
“Why would you want to have children with someone who has shown they would turn against THEIR OWN CHILD if said child was gay, bi, or the like?!”
“Why would you be in any relationship with someone who cares so little about your feelings, wants, and needs?!”
“Because let’s face it. She said it loud and clear. Her bigotry and homophobia 100%, without a doubt, takes priority over OP’s feelings. She knew it was wrong. She wouldn’t have dodged the question the 100 times he asked prior to this, if she didn’t.”
“She KNEW D**NED WELL, how important OP’s little brother is to him and STILL foolishly thought she would be able to insult, demean, degrade, and bully him, AND get away with it.”
“She took a page out the ‘How to be an abuser 101,’ and waited to let her mask slip until she thought OP was in too deep to back out. This was calculated, manipulative, and selfish as f**k. Fortunately, her calculations were wrong and OP wasn’t as wrapped around her finger as she thought.”
“SHE is the sole reason why their relationship was ruined. SHE is the reason her life is ‘ruined.’ She has no one to blame but herself. She made the choice to be a homophobic a**hat. Now she needs to live with the consequences of that.” – CatmoCatmo
Others agreed and told the OP to keep receipts of his ex’s behavior.
“NTA. If anyone else gives you grief, maybe screenshot and publish the hateful messages you got from Karen’s family. Homophobes should be outed.” – Stormy8888
“Dude, NTA all the way. You did yourself and your future a solid.”
“Not only did your ex cross a line on a personal level with your brother, but if she’s that stubborn on things now, just imagine life when she’d potentially have you by the b*lls from a legal/fiscal standpoint.”
“Not to mention her entire family sounds like a den of a**holes… Holidays would’ve been a terrible hoot, too.” – Ornery-Platypus-1
“How happy would you be sharing your life with a homophobic harpy?”
“It wouldn’t just be the wedding, either. She won’t want him in her home at any holiday, summer BBQ, or whatever.”
“I’m not surprised her family is backing up her hate. That’s who she learned it from.”
“She ruined her own life, and it wasn’t just over a word. It was because of her nasty attitude. All this happened because she’s a bi**t, and people found out. NTA, of course.” – 2PlasticLobsters
“She’s evil for even suggesting It. That’s a deal the devil makes. I hope OP realizes that he was about to marry someone who had zero tolerance and ‘in sickness, in health,’ she’d bail.”
“OP, please be very careful about how you tell your brother. He may blame himself.” – Fahslabend
“NTA.”
“As a woman and friend to many who are LGBTQ AND A Bio Momma, Step Momma, extra Momma to kiddos who are also LGBTQ or have friends who are. No way I hell would I want that woman in mine or my kids lives!”
“I’m very proud of you for staying true to your brother and not letting anyone come between you and your brother. Showing him that you’re there for him no matter what!”
“That ex of yours sure is a piece of work and knew about your brother way before she accepted your proposal, so it’d be interesting to know why she accepted. Not that it matters now, but still.” – wolfcrazy1569
The subReddit was disgusted by how the OP’s ex spoke about his sweet-sounding brother, and they were grateful that he chose to stand up for his most important family member instead of the relationship.
It was clear Karen had a lot of growing to do outside of her family and that the OP deserved to find someone who would honor him and his beliefs about his family… starting with his relationship with his brother.