Many people jump at the opportunity to buy new clothes, whether for a special occasion or just to add to their wardrobe.
Other people don’t see much need to buy new clothes until they absolutely have to.
Sometimes, they might wait until most of their clothes are full of holes and tears.
Whether or not people want or need to buy clothes, one common factor that might stop everyone from buying clothes is their current financial status.
Redditor Vamip89 had a go-to outfit for certain, specific occasions.
However, when another such occasion arose, the original poster (OP)’s father demanded that they buy new clothes for it.
A demand the OP told his father they would not oblige, feeling it was not a necessity and was beyond his current financial limitations.
Needless to say, the OP’s father was less than thrilled with their decision, even going so far as to call them “selfish.”
Wondering if this was the case, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA For refusing to buy a black coat for a funeral when my dark grey one is the one I always wear for these occasions.”
The OP explained why they found themselves butting heads with their father over a wardrobe choice:
“My grandad passed away a few weeks ago, and this funeral is coming up within the next week.”
“I had planned on wearing my standard funeral outfit, black pants, white shirt, etc.”
“However I had a phone call with my dad and he was asking what I was planning on wearing so I told him and he said are you planning on wearing that grey coat.”
“I said yeah I plan to his reaction was well everyone is wearing black so you are going to look stupid with that on you need to go out and buy a black one.”
“I told him no I won’t be going out spending on a coat so close to Xmas and also I am still a week away from being paid so I am not exactly flush with cash right now.”
“In the end I said ok I will just be without a coat for the day again he said he did not like that and I should just go buy one I can get a decent one for £40-£50 again told him I can’t afford that.”
“He then called me selfish and put the phone down on me. I have not heard from him since.”
“AITA?”
The OP would later clarify certain elements in the comments section:
“It’s his dad.”
“They found 5 of his ties in his bedroom which funny enough is enough for all the adult boys in the family so we are wearing one each.”
“He just seems hyper-fixed on this coat, which is annoying because it was only bought this year and worn 4 times since then.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
The Reddit community was in agreement that the OP was not the a**hole for refusing to buy a new coat for their grandfather’s funeral:
Everyone agreed that the OP’s coat was more than suitable for the circumstances, with many pointing out that the surprising behavior of the OP’s father was likely due to grief.
“NTA.”
“Grief may be doing a number on him, so give him some grace.”
“But no, you don’t have to wear black.”- HowlPen
“NTA, obviously, and I’m sorry for your loss.”
“Was this your dad’s dad?”
“He may be groping through his grief, and bugging you about your coat gives him a feeling of control in a situation where he is otherwise powerless and reeling.”
“No need to indulge him, but try to be as kind as you can in your pushback.”- Jyqm
“If dad wants you in a new coat, dad can buy it.”
“He’s the only person who actually cares about the coat.”
“Grey is fine for the rest of humanity.”
“It’s not really the time for a team uniform.”
“NTA.”- Competitive_Cod_3843
“NTA.”
“That may just be misdirected anger from the grief process.”
“Wear the grey coat.”
“There is no logical reason why he should be that upset over something that trivial at a time like this…other than the the fact that he is in the 2nd stage of grief (Anger).”
“If you DID buy a black coat, that would NOT help him move out of the anger phase of grief.”
“He will move when he has properly processed it.”
“And lack of a black coat is NOT the magic key.”-
Bank_of_Karma
“NTA.”
“That may just be misdirected anger from the grief process.”
“Wear the grey coat.”
“There is no logical reason why he should be that upset over something that trivial at a time like this…other than the the fact that he is in the 2nd stage of grief (Anger).”
“If you DID buy a black coat, that would NOT help him move out of the anger phase of grief.”
“He will move when he has properly processed it.”
“And lack of a black coat is NOT the magic key.”- Bank_of_Karma
“NTA.”
“I couldn’t tell you a single thing anyone had on at my dad’s funeral.”
“In fact, I’m not sure what I wore.”
“A grey coat is fine.”- LowBalance4404
“I’m sorry for your loss.”
“Grief hits people in odd ways.”
“If your grey coat is not in tatters, just wear it.”
“Hopefully dad will get past it.”
“NTA.”
“Try to be patient with dad.”
“You can hold your position that you are unable to buy a coat and still be gentle.”
“Do your best to de-escalate and give him grace.”
“Be prepared with a good response for when it comes up again.”
“Some ideas: I know you’d like me to wear all black, it’s not my intent to disappoint you, but I cannot swing that expense.”
“I’m not trying to be disrespectful. I’m doing the best I can.”
“I can handle looking stupid as long as I’m there for Granddad.”
“As hard as the grief is for me, I imagine it’s even harder for you.”
“Is there anything else I can do to support you?”
“This may disarm your dad a bit.”
“Truthfully arguing over gray versus black coat is ridiculous.”
“All that matters is that you’re there as a family to help each other grieve.”
“But many people don’t know how to handle their feelings, and it comes out as anger, or they look for something to be angry at.”
“Try and keep that in mind to protect your own feelings and sanity.”- CommonCow495
“NTA.”
“My grandads funeral was early January, not quite snow on the ground but very cold.”
“Most people had darker coloured inner clothes, but coats were a mix.”
“Some had somber ones but several clearly had their normal winter coat on, and that’s fine!”
“You can’t expect people to buy a coat for one occasion.”
“If you are close family and your post was ‘Can I wear my bright orange puffa jacket’ then yes I’d say you need something more appropriate if you’re following the coffin in, but dark grey is totally normal and acceptable.”- Crochet-panther
“NTA.”
“I wore a charcoal grey suit to my own father’s funeral.”
“If it was your paternal grandfather who passed then your father might just be trying to control the few things he can control under these circumstances.”
“Grief is weird.”
“Take care.”- Striking_Ad_6742
“Nowadays most people seem to not wear black anymore.”
“I do.”
“But the last few I’ve been to, I was in the minority.”
“Not that I think you should wear a bright outfit but it’s not necessary to be all black either.”
“Grey is absolutely acceptable.”
“Be clean and neat and you’ll be fine.”
“NTA.”- CheezeLoueez08
There were a select few who felt that owing to the OP’s father’s grief, there were no clear a**holes in this particular situation:
“Dark grey is totally fine.”
“Sorry for your loss and I’ll stick with NAH because your dad is looking for something to put his grief into, and while it is unfortunate that it’s you, I’d ask you to wear your grey coat but also let the criticism go.”- Ash_Dayne
The OP later returned with an update:
“About 30 minutes after posting this, my dad randomly turned up at my house and broke down crying, saying he was sorry for the way he acted and that I could wear whatever I wanted to.”
“We had a brew together and chatted about everything, and he’s just left.”
“So it seems the issue resolved itself.”
The worst part about grief is how it makes us all but lose control of our faculties.
Hence why the OP’s father was so sensitive about what the OP would wear to the funeral.
Thankfully, it seems clear they both realized this and will be there for one another on what promises to be a hard day.