The holidays are a time when family tends to gather together. For better and for worse.
Most people can’t wait to celebrate the season with their families, both those they see regularly and those they haven’t seen in ages. Others, however, tend to wish they were spending the holidays with anyone else and absolutely dread their arrival.
The father-in-law (FIL) of Redditor BubbaKushFFXIV was going to pay an extended visit during the holiday season.
While the original poster (OP) was less than thrilled with their FIL’s extended stay, they were downright furious about the circumstances of his arrival date.
Even going so far as to demand their FIL change his travel plans.
After their wife scolded them for their behavior, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for telling my FIL that he cannot arrive at our house at 1am?”
The OP explained why their FIL’s arrival time for his holiday visit was a major point of contention:
“My FIL is staying with us for 3 weeks over the holidays, which I already find an unacceptable length, but whatever.”
“He told us he was planning on coming up this weekend from FL (he will be driving).”
“My wife asked him what time he thought he might be arriving, and he said 1 am.”
“I said that is unacceptable and that he should leave at a different time or stop along the way and get a hotel.”
“We have two young children, 8 months and 3.5 years old.”
“The guest bedroom my FIL will be staying at requires him to walk past their rooms.”
“Last thing I need is him coming at 1 am, making all sorts of noise and waking up everyone.”
“My wife was talking to my FIL, and she was pushing back a little bit, and I kept quiet until he said, ‘There’s another way of looking at this: a man coming to visit his family’.”
“Like we are lucky to be graced with his presence.”
“I had to chime in and say, ‘No, 1 am is unacceptable’.”
“He replies, ‘You’re entitled to your opinion’.”
“The conversation got a bit heated after that comment resulting in him agreeing to arrive at a normal time.”
“Now my wife is trying to guilt trip me into being the bad guy for making him arrive at a normal time.”
“AITA?”
The OP would later clarify a few things about their FIL’s visit in the comments:
“From southern FL to New England.”
“20 hours one way.”
“He likes to do it on a single trip.”
“3 weeks was mostly between my wife and him with my reluctant approval on the condition he watches the kids NYE, and he gets trained to take care of the baby the weeks leading up to NYE.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
The Reddit community generally had trouble sympathizing with the OP, mostly agreeing that they were, indeed, the a**hole for demanding their FIL arrive at a different time.
Just about everyone agreed that the OP’s anger and frustrations had less to do with their FIL’s arrival time and more that they just weren’t looking forward to his visit in general and wasn’t even trying to be hospitable.
“In most families im familiar with, people will arrive at all times of day and night during the holidays, especially if they are traveling from a long way. Not being allowed to walk past your kids’ rooms?”
“Really?”
“If you are worried about noise, you can ask him to pack an essentials bag and ONLY bring that past the kids’ rooms until the morning.”
“If you feel the need to be up to greet him, don’t.”
“He’s being overly familiar with arriving late at night, and you are permitted to do the same by letting your wife handle greeting her father (another common custom: the closest relation hosting greets the inconvenient guest).”
“It’s not the end of the world; he means no disrespect; let him know the family schedule so he can be helpful, etc.”
“YTA.”
“He’s driving 20 hours to see your wife and the kids?”
“And you want to add MORE to the length of his journey?”
“If you have the power to add a little ease to his life and a little less strife to your own, why wouldn’t you?”- sonny_carpenter
“How do people function with this level of anger, nitpicking, and rigidity?”
“What is your life where this is such a big deal?”
“Nobody is out to harm and offend you here. Normal people are happy to see family for the holidays and roll with the inconveniences.”
“Either you hate your FIL for a reason you haven’t specified and are otherwise normal, or you are a deeply exhausting person.”
“YTA.”- catbirdseat90
“YTA.”
“Come on, man, it’s apparently a long drive, and he probably can’t leave earlier and doesn’t want to get a room if he just has a couple more hours to go.”
“That’s also your wife’s father and your kid’s grandfather.”
“Why would you treat him like that?”
“How do you think that makes your wife feel?”
“How do you think it makes him feel?”
“He’s coming to visit for the holidays.”
“That’s also your wife’s home.”
“Why do you feel like you have the final say?”
“As far as the excuse about the kids waking up, give me a break, dude.”
“The youngest probably doesn’t sleep through the night, and your oldest will wake up excited and then crash back out in minutes, most likely.”
“You are just being an a**hole because you’re pissy about him coming to visit for too long, and that’s understandable.”
“Nobody really likes having visitors for that long, but we deal with it, and we don’t act like a**holes because it’s family and we think about other people, and we want our wife and kids to be happy.”- Wild_Ad4599
“YTA.”
“If you’ve already agreed to the visit, you’ve agreed.”
“You don’t get to complain about it after the fact and then be an AH over every little thing!”
“When people drive or fly, there’s little they can do about their arrival time.”
“It’s not like YOU have to go pick him up from the airport at 1 am.”
“No one should have to pay $120 for a hotel room just to stay for a couple of hours to make an arrival time more comfortable for YOU when he’s willing to drive through and your wife is willing to stay up for him.”
“The man will have just driven a long distance already- he should be able to be let in by your wife and get to his room so he can sleep.”
“You don’t even have to get up.”
“You’re all adults and capable of being quiet.”
“I’ve had to walk past my own kids’ rooms at 1 or 2 or 3 am just to pee in the middle of the night!”
“If your kids are waking up by footsteps every once in a while, then you’re doing something wrong.”
“This isn’t even a real complaint, and you’re making terrible excuses.”
“Even if they woke up, what’s the big deal?”
“They’re kids. They fall back asleep.”
“Is it convenient?”
“No.”
“But traveling for the holidays, or at all, especially when driving, always sucks.”
“You’re making this hard for a reason- whether it’s just that you want to be a jerk to your wife and FIL or there’s more to this relationship.”
“He’s going to be exhausted.”
“He wants to see his family, and his daughter wants to see him.”
“Why are you crapping all over this opportunity for your wife to spend time with his daughter and grandkids over a holiday that’s meant to be shared with family.”
“It’s very clear this is a visit that rarely happens, and you’re being a grinch, a terrible husband to your wife who misses her dad, and a bad dad for getting in between the relationship between your kids and their granddad when they barely get to see him in person as it is.”
“And yes, I’ve had family, both driving and flying, arrive late at night.”
“My kids are about to fly to their grandparents and take a red eye, so one of his parents has to pick them up at 545 am!”
“I just flew and we arrived at 10 pm and then I stayed with my mom in the ER til 1am after traveling since 7am because she fell on the ice when we arrived where we were staying!”
“Flying home I didn’t get in until 230 am because we live 2 hours from the airport.”
“TRAVELING SUCKS.”
“You’re at the mercy of the airlines when it comes to flying and can’t change the length of the drive and shorter just to accommodate a cranky husband.”- Jmfroggie
“So your wife’s father is driving a huge distance, to visit.”
“So that you can insinuate he’s getting in the way and disturbing the kids… that you also want to ‘train’ him to provide free childcare for.”
“Yeah, with that attitude he probably wants to be there for 3 weeks to keep an eye on how you’re attitude is with his daughter.”
“YTA.”- The-Lily-Oak
Ebeneezer Scrooge famously expressed his displeasure about being woken up at 1 AM by a visitor.
The key difference between these two situations, however, is that Scrooge is visited by an uninvited ghost, while the OP is visited by the grandfather of their children.
What the OP and Scrooge do have in common, however, is their utter resistance to allow themselves to enjoy the holidays with family.