A lot of people have experienced being ghosted by a friend whenever they’re dating someone new. Suddenly their significant other is their only focus and priority.
It sucks, but sometimes you have to give up on people. Not because you don’t care, but because they don’t.
Things aren’t quite so simple when the person with changed priorities is a parent. And their children are still children.
An adult daughter with younger siblings turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback on her mother’s shifted focus.
Brilliant-Aside3626 asked:
“AITA for telling my mom she’ll regret picking her husband over her children?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I (23, female) and my husband (22, male) moved in with my mom over the summer to help my mom with her bills and to help take care of my three younger siblings.”
“The main reason for this move was because I did not want her to get back with her ‘boyfriend’ that she had been dating on and off for the past 7-8 years. Not long after we moved in, she starts talking to him again after repeatedly telling me she was never going to get back together with him.”
“She then goes on to marry him and since then has taken on this mentality that she is his wife and has responsibilities towards him so she has to be with him 24/7. Which in turn meant to me and my siblings that we would see her less because he does not live with us.”
“Ever since she got married, she goes directly to him after work and the only time my siblings see her is in the mornings when she takes them to school, she’s not even home during the weekends.”
“My husband fortunately does not mind since he hasn’t really taken the role of ‘dad’—he is more of an older brother to them. His only issue is the obvious stress and disappointment my mom’s absence has caused.”
“Recently this past weekend, me and her ended up arguing over text because my siblings miss their mom and wanted to see her.”
“She then chooses to instead of coming to see her kids to call them and tell them that she is too busy to see them and that when she was there that all they did was play video games, but now that she’s with her husband they suddenly ‘miss her’ and want to ‘spend time with her’.”
“This made my siblings sad which naturally made me step in and tell her off. I told her she can’t be serious right now and that obviously her children are going to miss her.”
“That even though they might have a roof over their heads and food, that doesn’t mean they don’t still need their mother’s presence more than just a few minutes in the morning when they’re going to school.”
“I told her she can’t seriously be picking a man that has literally shown he does not care about her over her children who do love her.”
“She responded by telling me the same thing she told my siblings—that when she was with us that my siblings didn’t appreciate her and that they just spend their time playing games.”
“I’m like be so for real you’re resenting them as if they’re not literally children where’s that energy with that man that has literally done nothing good for us. She’s like oh so I’m a bad mom, okay that’s fine you’ll regret your words one day.”
“She then hangs up on me and refuses my calls and texts my sister telling her she’s not going to talk to me. So I texted her and told her the one that’s going to regret her words is you and you’ll be sorry for picking a man over your children.”
“The day you learn to not put a man on a pedestal is the day you’ll get your blessings. It’s a serious mental problem to be so attached to a man.”
“That I love her but I know she’s not okay by doing what she’s doing. She’s now no longer talking to me and only contacts my siblings.”
“AITA or was this a reality check my mom needed?”
The OP later added:
“Since I didn’t include their ages in the original post, my siblings are 10, male; 13, male; and 15, female. In case you’re wondering my mom’s age, she’s 40 and her new husband is about 50/60, I’m not entirely sure his exact age.”
“Her husband and my siblings do not get along and he refuses to come live with them.”
“Like I mentioned in the post, they were in an on/off relationship for many years and most of those years he would use my siblings as a reason for not doing more for her saying they’re messy and don’t listen (they were 3, 6, and 9 when they first started dating).”
“Their dad is 38. For those wondering where their dad is, he is still in the picture, but he also has a new partner. He comes to visit them once or twice a week sometimes and buys them food and clothes.”
“He is supposed to be giving my mom child support, but he’s not always very timely about it. I also want to acknowledge my mom does contribute financially to them still, the only issue is she is not here physically with them as often as she should be.”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I told my mom she’ll regret picking a man over her children. Which is mean and not something you should say to your mom.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“NTA. Your mom has abandoned her children. You need to get Child Services involved.”
“If you are willing and able to care for them, they won’t have to go to foster care, and you’ll be able to access healthcare and dental, as well as receive a stipend for their care.”
“Your mom should be in jail. It’s time she faces the consequences of her actions.” ~ PettyLabelleOtheBall
“So you move in to help her take care of the bills and children, and she takes off? She needs to grow up and take responsibility.”
“You’re already helping her out. How dare she make you the main caretaker of her children! NTA.”
“Call CPS today, get legal custody of the children, and get her on child support. She how fast she stops being a selfish good for nothing.” ~ jojo_jones
“NTA. This sounds like mom planned this all out, the fake ‘breaking up’ to get you/husband to move back in and take care of her home and her minor-aged children; now she can freely go live with her new husband, coz YOU are now running everything.”
“You should not be helping take care of bills AND raising siblings with YOUR money. She should be paying you child support.”
“If this were me? I’d tell dear old mom that you/husband are moving back out, you have sent all of her communications between you and the children to Child Protective Services, and she needs to handle however this all falls out.”
“How were these minor-aged children being taken care of before you moved back in? Who was watching them, food, needs, homework, doc appts, etc then?”
“Or tell her that you are taking her to court, using this history and her communication texts as a LEGAL primary caregiver for those 3 underage siblings, you will be taking her to court for general home costs, utilities, child support, etc…”
“Makes me wonder what kind of home life these kids had before you moved in, sounds like child neglect to me.” ~ NCKALA
“As a social worker hearing this, I would report it as abandonment. Your siblings aren’t old enough to take care of themselves and you’re not their primary caregiver.”
“Your mother has a responsibility to her underaged children, and as others mentioned, I’d remind her of that.” ~ Nicolozolo
“It’s a CPS story waiting to implode. Parents, especially custodial parents, are expected to reside with their minor children.”
“It’s so beyond an argument, it’s criminal negligence. NTA.” ~ 2dogslife
“OP you are NTA. Parenting is a thankless job. But your mom doesn’t get to just pawn off her kids because they aren’t as grateful and attentive as she would like.”
“They don’t owe her undying fealty, she isn’t their sovereign lord. They are human beings who have their own thoughts, feelings, and interests and are behaving how normal teens and pre-teens act.”
“They want mom around, but aren’t going to want attention 100% of the time. If she wants someone to worship her and pay her ego constant attention, she should get a dog.” ~
“The mother has been raising kids since she was 17 and it sounds like she’s just decided she’s done with it. These kids need a long-term solution. NTA.” ~ Aylauria
“I bet this was Mum’s plan the whole time. Moved in with another adult so she could ditch her kids. What a vile person. NTA.” ~ crankygingerninja
“The children’s primary caregiver is hardly in the same house as them. That is a huge safety issue worthy of calling CPS.”
“The primary caregiver is the one who’s supposed to have all the kids’ medical info in the event of an emergency. If your mom has physically, mentally, and emotionally abandoned these kids while giving you no legal authority to act as their guardian, those kids are in danger.”
“NTA, but stop enabling her, report her to CPS. Don’t let the youngest suffer eight more years of neglect.” ~ I_wanna_be_anemone
“I agree with calling CPS on her. Tell them you need (if you & hubby are on the same page) legal custody for school and medical emergencies.”
“You also want child support for all 3 until they are 18. Mother also needs to sign the house over to you if that is where she wants kids to live.”
“If not, tell her as soon as CPS makes their decisions, you will be moving kids where you want to be. Keep your siblings informed. If they don’t like your decisions, then they need to step up and tell them so.”
“When your mom complains to everyone how unfair you are calling CPS on her, ask them what they would do in a medical emergency, and mom was too busy with her new husband to answer the calls. As soon as the house is gone, and she has to pay child support, the husband will run.” ~ Ok_Resource_8530
This situation is not just upsetting for the OP and their siblings.
It may also be illegal.
Finding out might be the OP’s next best step.