Divorce becomes more complicated when there are children involved and custody battles ensue.
A divorced dad who shares 50% custody of his children recently caused further tensions with his ex-wife when she made her stance on an issue clear but he didn’t agree to.
So he turned to the “Am I the A**hole? (AITA) subReddit to seek judgment from strangers online.
There, Redditor UpstairsMorning6897 asked:
“AITA for not sending enough essentials with my kids for their half siblings?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I (33 m[ale]) shared 50-50 custody of my children 11m, 10f and 8m, with my ex-wife. My ex is remarried and has an additional two children under the age of three with her husband.”
“They are struggling financially. They cannot afford to meet the needs of the children. The courts are aware of this and have not, will not, give me full custody.”
“Instead they are encouraged to seek resources and I am encouraged to ensure my kids are taken care of all the time even if not in my custody.”
“Because of this I send my kids with certain essentials like easy foods to eat and a few extra clothes and toiletries.”
The OP continued:
“My ex has asked me to send them with formula, diapers or toddler friendly foods before and I ignore her. I only make sure my kids have those things.”
“I know she and her husband get a lot of help to provide better and I do not feel like it should be on me to make sure their two kids are taken care of.”
“But my ex had a fit over Christmas about our kids getting nice gifts and going to her house with food she and her husband couldn’t provide and she told me I was being a d*ck and petty with children who never harmed me in any way.”
“I told her the job is hers and her husband’s to ensure they are taken care of. She told me I can afford it. I could do it and be kind and make sure our kids don’t see their half-siblings as lesser because they don’t get as much.”
“I told my ex she had some nerve expecting me to fix her mistakes and this only pissed her off more. But her financial situation was never the best and she decided to grow her family anyway. That wasn’t a decision I had any say or part of.”
“AITA for not doing more for the other two children?”
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
Many Redditors thought the OP was not the a**hole (NTA) here.
“NTA. Not your kids, not your problem.”
“You’re already doing right by sending stuff for your own kids. Your ex and her new husband chose to have more kids while broke – that’s on them.”
“Keep taking care of your three. Their money issues aren’t yours to fix.” – DelayHefty644
“NTA. Your responsibility is to your children, not to the children she chose to have with her husband. You’re already doing more than what’s required by sending your kids with extras to ensure their needs are met while at her house.” – Iam_Tender_Angel
“Yup. She can’t take care of the kids she shares with OP. She wants custody of them even though she’s neglectful. Is OP supposed to be on the hook for financially supporting all of his ex’s current and future kids? Is she expecting him to put them through college, too? Maybe she’ll have 2-3 more and expect OP to put them all in diapers too.”
“Agreed with other comments who say communication should only happen over text or email, make her put this in writing. Get a lawyer and sue for full custody. She says herself she can’t care for any of her kids.” – cicada_noises
“Plus OP is essentially providing his ex’s care for their children on her parenting time in addition to his own responsibilities during his, which should at least free her resources up to provide for the other two, but that’s not even his responsibility anyway. My guess is that this is not the arrangement made through the court as that would be kind of weird.”
“Good on OP for not letting his children go without just because it is on her time, but it seems to brook a rearrangement of the custody agreement to some degree, at least if there is any child support at play, and really should be a renegotiation of parenting time in general given that she does not seem to be using hers to provide for their needs. I’d be pretty livid if I was OP.” – lumiranswife
“Exactly. If OP is providing for his 3 kids, then the ex only has her two youngest kids to provide for, which should make things much easier. This is no different from the posts where a parent provided a college fund for their child and the ex complains that step or half siblings don’t have a similar fund.”
“And the response is always that the shared child has a college fund, which means they don’t need to worry about that child, and it frees up more money for the ex to put in other college funds. It does not mean the parent needs to provide college funds for ALL the kids that are somehow related to their own kid.” – One_Ad_704
“Nta. If she can’t afford all the kids then she has the option of limited custody. There are resources out there as well along with hard decisions of one or both parents taking a second job depending on child care.”
“You can’t bank roll their situation, they are in the situation because they didn’t think it through and now aren’t even trying to do better. Enabling won’t help they will just accept they can ask and someone provide.” – Connect_Tackle299
“NTA. I really hope she’s not taking things away from your kids. I mean, anything they bring with them, she probably confiscates and uses for the two other kids. Really expecting you to send diapers and formula for the young ones is absolutely crazy. But you say she’s already hooked up with organizations and stuff so either she’s not getting enough or they used too much.”
“But her younger kids are not your responsibility. Her or her husband can go out and get a second job if they’re so strapped for money. You don’t keep spitting out kids if you can’t afford the three you already have.” – NaturesVividPictures
“NTA. If she can afford to have them, she should be able to afford to care for them. You don’t mention any sudden disability or health issues, so I would continue to care for your children and let her and her husband worry about theirs.” – Ok_Childhood_9774
“You said the court has already been involved and isn’t doing a thing other than telling you to pay for more and spend the same amount of time. I’d honestly call CPS as they quite literally cannot feed nor properly take care of their five children. If it gets to the point where they have to ask other people to buy groceries and supplies for them, they aren’t fit to have as many, if not any, children under their custody.”
“Fight for your children; if this keeps going this way, your ex will say ‘family shares everything’ as her youngest grows older and will make your children share (read: give) their stuff with their half-siblings. She might even take the food you give your children and eat it themselves or try to sell your children’s stuff ‘because they don’t need so much stuff’, or ‘it’s not ok they have nice things while their half siblings don’t have enough to eat’, etc.”
“Stop this before it gets to this point. Fight for your children and continue to provide and care for them, because your ex clearly doesn’t. NTA.” – MaoMaoNeko-chi
“NTA, it actually blows my mind that ex-partners expect the other parent to provide for their new children, then when they don’t get their own way, they try and manipulate the situation with the kids. Do these people feel no shame? I would be absolutely mortified if me and my husband asked my child’s dad to provide for our child. They are not your responsibility she needs to pull her head out her arse.” – Ok_Royal2491
“NTA.”
“While I feel for your exes delima, it’s of her own making and design, and her reaction to it is selfish and entitled. She could simply request that they skip visitation until such time they’re on better footing. But she won’t.”
“I’ve got a crisp $5 in my wallet that says she’s claiming them as dependents to get government aid, and that your supplies are being ‘Divided’ amongst the family instead of going exclusively to your children anyway. Afraid I’ve heard this story before.”
“And We all know were the genders reversed the courts would have no issue stripping you of custody and giving that time to your ex.” – gaurddog
Overall, Redditors thought the OP’s reluctance to additionally help his ex’s children when he was already providing for their three kids was warranted, especially when she took it upon herself to grow her family when she was not financially stable.
Redditors encouraged the OP to continue being there primarily for their children.