Household chores when you cohabitate with another adult can be a source of conflict. It’s an added responsibility for whoever does each one.
But sometimes responsibilities become burdens and resentment builds.
A wife feeling overwhelmed with a household chore turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Inkyflossy asked:
“AITA for deciding to cook for myself and not my husband?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I (42, female) have been married to my husband (48, male) for 12 years, together for 15. We both work full time, no kids.”
“My husband is neurodivergent and extremely successful in his career, but struggles with day-to-day functioning. He has a lot of dietary restrictions and over the years I was happy to work around those—mostly we now eat homemade salad and baked chicken, in various forms.”
“Unfortunately, this resulted in a situation where I do ALL the cooking. Any attempts to cook for me have lasted about one night before he is overwhelmed and frazzled and so I just go back to cooking as it’s what I have always done.”
“I also pay all the bills, manage the household, take care of the dogs, do the laundry, clean the house, and work my own jobs. I am an academic and work at two schools.”
“Over the last five years, my husband has been sick with various ailments, starting with atypical long COVID, and then this year accelerating into an allergy to wood dust, intolerance to edibles, allergy to a paint I used on the kitchen cabinets, a reaction to our gas stove, and now (and this is the problem) an inability to tolerate chicken being baked in a tiny electric toaster oven as I’m not allowed to use gas anymore.”
“He will not eat other meats or pasta. I cannot use the stovetop as it causes oil to splatter and it bothers him.”
“He has pursued no medical solution aside from an inhaler from his doctor. His symptoms are mysterious and variable. He has not seen an allergist or rheumatologist in spite of my pleading.”
“In the middle of all of this, I was the primary caretaker for my father, who died slowly and brutally. He died in my arms on 12/21/24 after 10 months of illness, during which time I became his medical and financial power of attorney.”
“He died hardly more than two weeks ago. For those of you that know, you know. For those of you that do not know, I don’t want you to know. I am now the primary caretaker for my mother.”
“My husband was very willing for me to talk about it at first, but now he says it’s so much to carry, and his sadness and issues seem to be growing and in the last few days have been the focus here as he seems too tired by my grief.”
“My relationship with my dad was very complex; he did a lot of damage to me and caused a lot of pain, but I was still there for him as it was the right thing to do for another human being.”
“My husband says that I have been making him pay for the sins of my father and taking my anger and sadness about my dad out on him. Which, honestly, is fair.”
“All that upheaval inside me had to go somewhere and I know I am not the easiest person in any circumstance. But typing that out, it doesn’t seem very fair to me at all.”
“If anything, certain patterns began to be repeated here and it triggered me into so much anger—feeling like all hell was going to break loose if I so much as sautéed a mushroom, never knowing if he’d be in a good mood or bad.”
“I grew up like that and it terrifies me to this day. It’s not great. I know that. It’s imbalanced and it’s made me resentful.”
“He was a good emotional support to me while my dad was sick, but not so much since his actual passing. No practical support in my day to day life.”
“Since the death, my husband’s health issues about me cooking have arisen and have become the focal point of a tremendous amount of friction in our marriage and home life.”
“I know I am not helping; I am exhausted, I am traumatized by the death, I am lost, I am angry at not being able to cook in my own home unless I break my work day to do so, so that the chicken offgassing has passed by the time he returns home from work.”
“And even then it causes so much stress, which compounds my desperate sadness. It seems silly to grieve the loss of the ability to cook as I did, but I do.”
“This morning, finally, I realized that perhaps I needed to remove myself from this whole emotional food-centered loop and told my husband he can cook and shop for himself and I will cook and shop for myself and the dogs. He was not happy about this at all.”
“I feel like a miserable failure of a wife. But I am drowning. I had to put some sort of boundary down so that I could protect and nourish myself in this hard time.”
“AITA for longer wanting to cook in this impossible environment?”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I would like to be judged on my decision to cook only for myself and not my husband. I think that might make me the a**hole because my husband is ill and needs support too, but I don’t know what else to do.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“NTA. ‘I also pay all the bills, manage the household, take care of the dogs, do the laundry, clean the house, and work on my own jobs. I am an academic and work at two schools’.”
You do all of this on top of cooking…what does your husband do? Does he help with bills? Does he help with taking care of the dogs?”
“Does he do anything besides work? Does his money go towards something for the house or marriage?”
“From what it looks like OP, this marriage is a one way street. He can’t even cook for you nor himself because he gets overwhelmed?”
“Does he seek help to help him function better as an adult? As I see it, you’re a full time maid with a full time job and other responsibilities.” ~ DJ_Too_Supreme_AITA
“You are not the miserable failure. He is! What does he contribute to your health and happiness? It sounds like his expectation of your partnership is that you give and he takes. F that. NTA.” ~ wasaaabiP
“I’m also a neurodivergent individual who gets overwhelmed cooking and developed a bunch of crazy allergies after a bout of long COVID.”
“But here’s the thing:”
“- If my wife doesn’t cook for me I’m perfectly capable of eating easy to grab things that don’t require cooking (and am honestly happy eating the same 5 things every day).”
“- I have seen an allergist about the crazy allergies, discussed strategies of mitigating the symptoms, and am getting the allergy shots.”
“- The parts of allergy mitigation that require upfront labor I do on my own.”
“I understand the husband’s position here more than most, but the fact that he’s refusing the get treatment and placing all of the mental and actual labor for dealing with this on his wife is unacceptable.” ~ Wynfleue
“Why isn’t he a misersble failure of a husband or an adult for not figuring out how to care for himself? Cooking is a basic survival skill.”
“It’s not automatically the woman’s job.”
“Being neurodivergent is not an excuse. Millions of neurodivergent people cook for themselves every single day. NTA.” ~ Suspiciouscupcake23
“NTA. My wife is the one with food aversions, so she’s the one who cooks. I have cooked for her, she never likes it. She likes to cook and likes to know what’s in her food.”
“Always makes more sense for the pickier one to be the cook. I eat stuff she doesn’t like when we eat out or eat separately.” ~ InsufferableAutistic
“NTA. Your husband is an adult. He needs to help himself, and if he won’t do it by seeing doctors to figure out his problem, then HE needs to deal with his problem his way and not drag you down with him.”
“I am so sorry that you are going through ALL of this. It’s not fair of your husband to put this on you. Tell him you will start cooking and shopping for him again AFTER he sees a specialist! That’s a compromise. I wish you all the luck, OP!” ~ AnitaTacoTwo
“NTA. Sounds like husband has become complacent with not having to take care of any adult responsibilities in his home. This needs to change, for OP’s wellbeing, because this sounds like such a stressful situation to live in day to day.” ~ The_Death_Flower
“Stop. Just stop the madness. In addition to cooking your own meals, use the gas stove until he sees a medical provider and assign him some chores.”
“Is he going to like it? Probably not. But listen to yourself: you are exhausted, traumatized, lost and angry. If anyone needs self care it’s you.”
“If your hubs doesn’t have the skills to care for you, then you are just in caring for yourself. That does not make you a failure. NTA.” ~ Aware_Welcome_8866
“It sounds like her husband is literally her child. NTA.” ~ JaxMax91
It sounds like the OP needs to have a serious discussion with her husband. Ignoring problems won’t reduce resentment.