Sometime in the 19th century, weddings in the United States began to involve wedding parties. In the past, a couple might have just two witnesses stand with them as they were wed.
The groom would have a male friend or relative as a “Best Man,” and the bride would have a female friend or relative as a “Maid/Matron-of-Honor.” This eventually expanded to include groomsmen and bridesmaids.
With marriage as a civil contract only available to cisgender, heterosexual individuals, wedding party roles were usually defined along binary gender roles. Grooms had only men, and brides had only women.
But with the sexual revolution, women’s liberation, and LGBTQ+ rights movements, those roles got shaken up. A groom might have a woman among their “groomsmen,” and a bride might have a man among her “bridesmaids.”
And now that marriage rights have been expanded to include LGBTQ+ people, those strict lines of demarcation no longer apply. More and more couples are splitting wedding parties along relationship ties rather than binary genders.
The only rule that seems to have persisted is a desire for balance. If 10 people stand with one-half of the couple getting married, then 10 people need to stand with the other half.
A soon-to-be groom turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback after a dispute with his sister threatened to derail his wedding party balance.
South_Range_8223 asked:
“AITA for telling my sister not to bother coming to my wedding?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I (24, male) excluded my sister (28, female) from my wedding party, but not my other sister (26, female) and upset my entire family.”
“I am getting married to a really wonderful man we’ll call Max (26) this summer, but my sister will not be in my wedding party. Here’s why:”
“I have two sisters, Macy and Penny (not their real names). We grew up close—but with no brothers, I felt excluded. My sisters would go on ‘girls trips’, and I wasn’t invited.”
“My father isn’t in the picture, so mostly mom would leave me with grandma. Sisters and brothers are different: Penny and Macy fight, but they always make up.”
“Penny is a lesbian, and as a gay man, we’ve bonded more as adults. Overall, I love both my sisters, even if the relationships are painful.”
“About seven years ago, Macy married her fiancé Michael. Penny was her maid-of-honor, and Michael asked me to be a groomsman.”
“Her wedding party included our female cousin, but also Penny’s partner Joanne (26, female). Max and I were together, but he was not in the wedding party.”
“I barely knew Michael, and all his groomsmen were strangers. I told my sister that I would rather support her on her wedding day, but she said that ‘isn’t the way things are done.'”
“She was right, but I saw no reason why it needed to be gendered. I should have stood with my family.”
“She was the bride, so I didn’t bother her about it again. I was excluded from everything involving my family leading up to the wedding.”
“I missed the bridal parties, dress selection, and bachelorette activities, not to mention the fact that day I had to leave my house and get ready at her fiancé’s hotel because she didn’t want any men around while she was getting ready.”
“I didn’t expect to get dressed with her while she was in her underwear.”
“I expected to be allowed to get dressed in my own bedroom at home, but I had to pack an overnight bag, go to the groomsman hotel, and ride back to the church with Michael’s rowdy friends.”
“Two years later, Penny married Joanne. Of course, Macy was the maid-of-honor, but I also got to be a ‘bridesman’ and was with her every step of the way. Our partners were excluded on both sides.”
“Before the wedding, Macy kept making snide remarks about how I didn’t belong there.”
“There were no ‘bachelor parties’, but I think Macy thought without a groom, men shouldn’t be in the wedding. I WAS invited to Penny’s bachelorette party, much to Macy’s chagrin.”
“Now Max and I are marrying and we weren’t going to have a wedding party—but Max insisted because he’s close to his brother—that I’ll call Marshall. When I made Penny my maid-of-honor, Macy was offended.”
“When I told Macy that she was going to stand with Max and Marshall, because my best friend Kohl (not their real name) is going to be in it, she was furious!”
“Macy said she needed to be there for her ‘baby brother’s big day’ and felt slighted. I told her that if I had to stand with strangers, she had to. Besides, we needed even numbers.”
“I did not complain to her during her wedding. I asked to stand with her during her wedding, but when she said no, I didn’t bring it up again.”
“Now it’s my wedding. I don’t care that she’s female. That’s not why I don’t want her on my side.”
“I need someone to stand on my husband’s side for photos. She made me stand with her husband, so I don’t think she has any right to object.”
“There are only four people in our wedding party with three connected to me—Penny, Kohl, and Macy—and one connected to Max—his brother Marshall. Two need to stand on each side for symmetrical pictures.”
“If it is petty for me to assume that my sister, who made me stand with her spouse, ought to be OK being the one to stand with my husband, then so be it.”
“My mother took her side when she complained and even my grandmother called me spiteful. Angry, I shouted that if Macy had a problem, she needn’t come.”
“Should I relent and let her stand with me? I asked Kohl to be in my wedding party because they’re my best friend. They should be standing with me.”
“I only have Macy in the wedding party because she’s my sister—like she only included me because I’m her brother so I was put with the groom—and because we needed a fourth person.”
“If she doesn’t want to be in that fourth-person role, we can find someone else.”
“I feel like this is a total double-standard, because when Macy was married, the answer was ‘it’s her wedding’. Anything she wanted, she got.”
“Am I the a**hole?”
The OP later added:
“I would say that it wasn’t born out of spite, but when she expressed her reluctance to stand with my fiancé, I was reminded of her position.”
“I didn’t do it out of spite, but I suppose I’m extra not motivated to accommodate out of spite.”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I told my sister not to bother coming to the wedding. I might be the a**hole because I kept my other sister in the wedding party.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Most Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“NTA. Sister has engaged in ‘Rules for Thee but not for ME’. With the wedding.”
“While it may have flown at her wedding, it will not fly at yours. Do you not want her on your side? To the other she goes.”
“If she cannot accept this, then it’s a her problem and I advise HEAVY sticking to your guns on it.”
“She seems like the person who will tantrum until she gets her way and your mom seems to be enabling that behavior.” ~ SakuraKitsune4
“NTA. I’m not sure what additional info is even needed. You gave her the same treatment that she gave you.”
“What’s the issue? Again, NTA. Your sister Macy is, tho.” ~ Best-Lake-6986
“NTA, but you had me in the first half. She made you stand with strangers instead of with family at the wedding, so she’s a hypocrite for being upset that it applies to her.
“However, to be clear, ‘I missed the bridal parties, dress selection, and bachelorette activities’ is an opinion as the men in the family are typically not included in those activities—those are usually the brides female relatives/friends.”
“Those are traditionally gendered activities. You may be gay, but you’re a guy.”
“People can, of course, have/do what they want to, but you’re taking issue over being excluded for activities that male family members/friends are not usually included in where it’s still more unusual/non-traditional when they are.” ~ similar_name4489
Although a few decided the OP was the a**hole (YTA) or everyone sucked (ESH) for being petty or childish.
“I think motive matters here. Macy clearly has very gendered ideas of how things should be done. You didn’t agree, but as you say, it was her wedding.”
“If your motivation is to ensure even numbers, then Macy being on your partner’s side makes sense, and you are definitely not the a**hole. If the motive is to exclude Macy from being on your side to get back at her, then yes, you’re the a**hole.”
“You would be excluding her primarily to hurt her feelings as your feelings were hurt. However, her motivation was not to hurt you, but rather to uphold some (admittedly outdated) gendered roles that even you accepted made sense at the time.”
“If it were me, I definitely would not want such a special day to be used to get back at anyone, let alone a family member you’ve included in the wedding party. ESH.” ~ AdNew6755
“YTA, this is some stupid, spiteful, and petty BS. You felt your sister slighted you during her wedding and absolutely was a B*tch during your other sister’s wedding.”
“So you decided to slight her back 7 years later. I mean, I am happy that your lives are so well-off that this is the garbage that you are able to waste time and energy worrying about.”
“But seriously, man, if you hate this sister so much, and you obviously hate her as much as she hates you, just cut her off.” ~ Fntsyking655
As many pointed out, Macy did things her way for her wedding. The OP can now do the same.
If not getting her way at someone else’s wedding is a deal breaker for this sister, maybe it’s best she stay home.