Estrangement refers to a person “no longer being on friendly terms or part of a social or familial group.”
Either or both parties can be the ones to walk away from the relationship.
Reconnecting after an estrangement is rarely simple. The relationship has forever been altered by the split.
And both parties have changed in the interim between the estrangement and reconnection. In the case of minor children, they may have moved from childhood to adulthood.
A child turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback after clashing with their estranged mother while trying to reconnect.
Forsaken-Year-7175 asked:
“AITA for reminding my mom that she disappeared for six years?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“My (18) mom and dad divorced six years ago. Her new husband didn’t want her to see my dad and so she let my dad have custody of me and didn’t exercise visitation.”
“She contacted us last month, saying she had divorced him and would like to reconnect. Dad told me it’s up to me, so I said, ‘Why not?’.”
“Things have been kind of awkward between us. Obviously, I’ve changed a lot since the last time she saw me.”
“When she came over yesterday, I was reading An Offer from a Gentleman. My mom said ‘You’re too young to be reading these toxic romance books’.”
“I just stared at her and said, ‘I was 12 when you disappeared six years ago. I’m 18 now’.”
“She spluttered for a moment, and then told me there is no need to use that word, that she made a mistake, and there is no reason to throw it in her face.”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I might be the a**hole since I did bring up a mistake she made and kind of threw it in her face.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“NTA. Did she conveniently forget that you had grown up in those 6 years? Your reply was a perfect lesson in karma.”
“As for her getting butthurt over ‘disappeared’, you told her nothing but the unvarnished truth. What were you supposed to call her abandoning you? Temporarily unavailable?” ~ Straysmom
“She expects you to let her control you like a 12-year-old. She has zero rights to criticize and you don’t have to play into her fantasy that you’re still just a kid.”
“She’s lucky you talk to her, but she thinks it’s an invitation to mother you. NTA.” ~ babcock27
“Personally I would’ve used ‘abandoned’ and maybe point out that it was for a man. Seriously, what sort of insecure loser doesn’t want his partner to see her kid because she’ll have to interact with her ex?”
“I guess the same kind of loser who abandons her kid for that loser.” ~ PunchBeard
“NTA. She does not get to pretend like everything is suddenly OK. She has to make amends to you.
“If it were me, I’d make weekly joint counseling a condition of you having contact with her. You pick the counselor and she pays. You’re in the driver’s seat on this one.”
“I’d also make it very clear that she has lots of work to do before she gets to resume the role of parent.” ~ Basilsainttsadface
“Shouldn’t use a word that literally describes what she did? I don’t see any heartfelt apology for abandoning OP.”
“Until that happens, I would definitely limit any contact. Relationships require trust which isn’t given, but earned.”
“She has a lot of work to do to earn that trust. I hope OP is y swayed by the ‘but I am your mother’ line. NTA. Good luck!” ~ Suzdg
“NTA. Accepting any criticism or correction from a parent who has abandoned you from 12 to 18 would be difficult. You’ve learned to grow up without her and don’t need her showing up now trying to mother you. That ship sailed, piloted by her.”
“That all said, I’m sure her abandonment hurt you. Maybe you two can build a bridge back to each other but it will take time, time you will need to be convinced you can trust her again.”
“She can’t demand anything from you; it will have to be earned for you to believe in her at all again. She proved herself to be a parent you could not rely on.”
“Please know that no child, including you, deserves to be abandoned by a parent. That was HER failing, not yours. Your words to her were accurate and spot on.”
“Sadly, she doesn’t sound like someone who has a clue what she did and how wrong and hurtful it was. Likely she will never be the mother you wish for.”
“And, yes, you were a child when she left, and you are now a young adult. She missed that entire transformation.” ~ Realistic_Head4279
“OP is NTA. It’s crazy how ‘Mom’ said she made a ‘mistake’. Mistakes are like baking and forgetting to turn on the oven.”
“This was outright intentional abandonment. It would be a long time before I ever forgave, and she would have to prove her worth to be in my life.”
“I will bet that she meets another guy and disappears again.” ~ IgnotusPeverill
“I hate when people say ‘I made a mistake’ when what they really mean is ‘I made a decision that turned out poorly for me and I’m unhappy with the consequences of my own actions’. NTA.” ~ readthethings13579
“She woke up every day for 6 years and chose not to reach out to her child. It’s not one ‘mistake’ that should or even could be forgiven.”
“She woke up on every one of OP’s birthdays, holidays, and milestones and chose her husband’s ultimatum instead of her child.”
“And even if we were to cater to her delusion that it was a ‘mistake’ … mistakes still have consequences that we have to live with. NTA.” ~ Wynfleue
“Mistakes:”
“• forgetting to defrost the meat you wanted to use for dinner”
“• neglecting to turn on the rice cooker”
“Willfully selfish, a**hole behavior:”
“• abandoning a child because they don’t fit into your new fairytale”
“NTA, and OP’s mom is reaping what she sows should OP go no contact. It’s terrible that she (mom) is only back because her marriage ended.”
“She’s not sorry; she’s lonely. That’s not OP’s problem to solve.” ~ Oompa_x_Lumpia
“She chose a man over her child for seven years. I’d have thrown a hell of a lot more in her face. NTA.” ~ Necessary_Donut_4
“Not only that, but it would appear that she only reached out to OP after that man was out of her life—and not a moment sooner. NTA, OP.” ~ Impressive-Cod-7103
“NTA. There is a reason to throw it in her face. She clearly overstepped your boundaries because she forgot she is no longer your mom.”
“She may be your mother. You may be working towards her being a mom again, but at the moment, you don’t have a mom.”
“She doesn’t need to act like one and she isn’t owed any respect as one.”
“Remind her of that and tell her if she wants to work for fogiveness and reconciliation, that means accepting that she deserves some reminders of who she is whenever she steps over those boundaries.” ~ Odd_Welcome7940
“She can feel upset about that, but she needs to be upset at herself, not you.”
“She has missed a third of your life. You can’t ignore that, nor should you have to try. NTA.” ~ IanDOsmond
“Remind her, she didn’t make a mistake—she made a decision. She chose another man over you, another man who was obviously not worth choosing.”
“She made a bad decision she wants to frame as somehow accidental, when it was completely intentional and could have been undone anytime over a 6-year period.”
“That’s on her; it’s not a mistake; it’s an intentional course of action, and she needs to own that and stop trying to minimize it.”
“I’m also curious, and maybe your parents didn’t even tell you, but did she leave your father for the man she married? It sounds like she got married pretty quickly after your parents got separated and divorced.”
“Did she literally put her affair as a priority over you and her family? Again, a choice, not a mistake. 2 + 2 = 5 is a mistake.”
“A strange penis ended up in my vagina is not a mistake. I didn’t speak to my child for 6 years is not a mistake.”
“Whether she did it before or after the divorce, she made her new partner of the priority over you, her flesh and blood child.”
“Those are choices. Whether she made one or both, whatever she did it was a choice not a mistake.” ~ Agitated-Buddy2913
“NTA. You might ask what word your mom would prefer that you use to describe her vanishing from your life for 6 years and returning only now that you’re of legal age.”
“But I think you’ve just figured out ‘why not?’. Your mom is trying to slide right into a ‘mom’ role where she judges on your activities or even tries to restrict them. You and your dad have moved on.”
“You might try telling her, ‘Mom, I’m willing to try to reconnect. To me, that means meeting up with you, for me to learn about who you are, likes and dislikes, interests, and for you to learn what the same about me.”
“‘But it’s not going to work if you try to parent me or judge my interests. Do you think we can meet up and stay away from that, or will it be too difficult for you to avoid trying to slide into a “mom” role towards me?’.”
“The bit about ‘new husband didn’t want to see your dad’ as an excuse for not exercising visitation is completely bogus, of course. There are a number of ways to handle the transfer of custody of a 12-year-old without having the new husband—or her—see the father.” ~ Constant_Host_3212
Hey, OP’s mom, actions?
Meet consequences.