A parent will do anything for their child, especially when they are in an extremely vulnerable state.
This can unfortunately lead to some resistance depending on how aggressive the parent is in their well-intentioned actions.
But how far is too far?
One mother struggled with this notion after upsetting her daughter during a recent interaction. She subsequently visited the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit to seek judgment from strangers online.
There, Redditor Agreeable_Rule_6632 asked:
“AITA for telling my daughter to eat healthy before chemo?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“So my daughter f[female] 21 is about to start BEP chemo. she just had major surgery to take out a tumor she had and her left ovary.”
“She is eating very poorly (take out everyday) like spaghetti pizza and coke she’ll rearly eat heathy stuff. she says ‘i’m eating what i can while i can because in a few weeks i don’t anymore’ but i think she should be getting more healthy to prepare because it’s very intensive (ie.., nausea acid reflux etc)”
The OP continued:
“She said to stop making it about me and to let her do what she wants but i’m really worried she’s not listening to the orders of the doctor in regards to healing. she is going out to the movies when she should be resting.”
“She said that it’s my body and to stop making it about me but i’m genuinely worried about her health. also she isn’t obese or anything i am just worried she isn’t taking her health seriously.”
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
Many Redditors thought the OP was the a**hole (TA).
“Oncology nurse here , YTA. I specifically include education to patient families on the first day of what NOT to do. And this is it, don’t force feed, don’t control food offered, and don’t comment on food eaten.”
“The only thing you should be worried about is if she looses more than 5% her body weight (heading towards malnutrition and needs a dietician consult for support ) or if loss of taste buds / smell sensitivity is causing issues.”
“Your role as a family member is to just slow down and be loving, and advocate if they ask you to.” – muddaisy
“Yep. When my Ex-Wife was looking at chemotherapy plus radiotherapy that would blitz her throat she had to gain an extra 10% body weight to weather the no eating. We had 2.5 months, and it was cram any possible high calorie foods you could find and as much as you can, we got recommended icec ream smoothies with milk powder plus protein powder, and the usual burgers/pizza/cookies/chocolate. Was hard but we got there.”
“But yeah, OP is YTA, this sh*t is important, you listen to oncologists and the doctors, and as support you do just that. It’s a fight literally for life, and even recovery is hard.” – JayTheFordMan
“As someone who recently lost a family member to cancer: It’s also worth considering that right now *she enjoys eating*. In a few weeks eating will be a struggle. It’ll be torture for her and it’ll be difficult for you to observe.”
“The difference between choosing a salad and pasta right now isn’t going to be the deciding factor between whether the treatment works or not but it *may* be the last time she can enjoy food for quite some time, it may permanently change how she reacts to certain foods, and in the absolute worst case this might be the last time she’ll ever enjoy eating.”
“Why would you take that away from her?” – Wynfleue
“I’m gonna give you some advice. I’m terminal so take it for what you will. Get yourself into therapy. You’ll need it. Your way or ways of trying to help won’t be useful until you ask her what she needs from you and that might be for you to shut up and not push or it could be to help her with stuff. That’s up to to her.”
“You can’t decide what’s helping only she can. When she tells you something listen. When you argued about what she should and shouldn’t eat after she’d already told you why and what she’s doing you added to her stress and frustration levels. Dont try and argue it’s unhelpful at best and adds to the awfulness of the situation.”
“And certainly don’t bring up ‘have you tried this or that to get better?’ There’s nothing more infuriating. Oils, Chiro , supplements and rumors you heard helped Sally’s neighbor’s cousin twice removed will be exhausting. Just don’t. “ – MoulanRougeFae
“I worked at a cancer center and this is spot on what the nurses would say as well. Going back to what they tell new moms now – FED is best. She needs to get calories however she can. Once chemo starts, whatever she can keep down. If a patient can eat healthy, great, if a patient can only eat cheesecake and protein shakes, great.”
“My grandfather survived for WEEKS on apples and peanut butter, sometimes milkshakes. When the side effects were at their absolute worst, my straight-laced by-the-book grandfather let my dad’s step-brother buy him weed (when medical use was not legal). Surprising choice, but it kept him eating and kept the nausea at bay.”
“Same with going out and seeing her friends. I’m SHOCKED if her doctor is actually telling her to rest to the point that going out and sitting in a movie theater with friends is off limits. She needs social support. She needs joy. As a 21 year old woman who is going through the most awful, disruptive thing a young adult can go through, let her have as much NORMALCY as she can.”
“Every family worries, but let the clinical people handle the clinical stuff. They’ll help her handle the loss of appetite, there are supplements that they can give to get her through. There will hopefully be many years on the other side of treatment for her to worry about what she eats.” –
angrygnomes58
“YTA Your heart is in the right place, but you aren’t seeing things from her point-of-view. She’s 21 years old with a very serious form of cancer. That’s not something a 21yo is mentally equipped to deal with (who is, really?). She doesn’t have the emotional or mental bandwidth to be concerned about that right now.”
“It would be one thing if you brought her healthy meals so she didn’t have to cook/get takeout or something, but you nagging her about her diet is not what she needs right now. You aren’t helping. You’re just causing more stress.”
“Also, going out to the movies isn’t exactly exerting.” – SoMuchMoreEagle
“YTA:”
“It’s your daughter’s body, she gets to decide what to put in it. You need to stop acting like your daughter’s doctor unless she needs and asks you to. One thing you need to understand is that your daughter has cancer, she has a steady team of doctors and she doesn’t need any unqualified doctors at home. She needs her MOM, not a doctor or dictator.”
“Going to the movies isn’t going to affect her, all she’s doing is sitting there watching moving pictures on a screen, she isn’t bungee jumping.”
“I understand that you’re scared and worried, but your daughter needs support and love, not more doctoring and dictatorship. YTA.” – crocodilezebramilk
“YTA.”
“This is mom panic. I had it when my son had to have abdominal surgery while living alone in a second floor apartment. I really had to reign it in (he was about this age and had only moved out less than a year before) but I did buy him slip on shoes against his will because he wasn’t supposed to bend over far enough to tie his shoes for weeks but was still advised to start walking some before then.”
“He wore them. They were useful, unlike unasked for advice.”
“You are trying to control her diet to control the outcome of something that cannot be solved by salad. It is magical thinking. A couple weeks of what you consider to be healthy food will not stop her having a poor reaction to chemo. “
“Your kid is afraid and you’re lecturing her? About pizza and movies? Get a grip and a therapist.” – bethsophia
“YTA. I went through chemo last year and it sucked. When I was able to eat I shovelled as much junk and feel good food in as possible. You need to let her get her pleasures where she can because they will soon become a lot fewer.”
“From a health perspective my doctors were only concerned about keeping my weight up they didn’t give a flying f’k what I was eating or drinking.” – nuttz0r
“YTA. Cancer survivor here. Not eating healthy is not going to feed her cancer. Sugar is not going to feed her cancer. Absolutely let her eat whatever she wants while she can. Chemo is going to kill her appetite, make her nauseous, give her heartburn, make her exhausted, and CHANGE THE WAY FOOD TASTES.”
“It’s been three and a half years since chemo, and to this day, there are things I used to eat all the time that I won’t touch anymore. If she’s following the doctor’s orders, let her go to the movies. Her immune system is about to be majorly compromised. Please let her enjoy this time before chemo.” – Recent_Strawberry13
Overall, Redditors encouraged the OP to back off as a healthier diet won’t do much to help her daughter in her current state.
Many also agreed that denying her any sense of normalcy before heading into chemo would be cruel and cause further resentment leveled at her.