Trying to create the right roommate situation isn’t always easy.
Personality often clashes.
That’s why it can be helpful to have rules for the home.
But some rules seem to always get broken.
Redditor ImpossibleSupport215 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
“AITA for asking my roommates to wait before they shower?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I (21 Female]) moved away from my family three years ago to study, and since then, I’ve been living in a flat that my parents own.”
“The flat has 3 bedrooms, so I decided to get roommates so that it wouldn’t be as expensive, and also to have some company, which I find better than living alone.”
“I’ve had the same roommates for the past 3 years, and we very quickly became best friends, but they both left to go study abroad.”
“I looked for new roommates and found these two girls that I’ll call Mary and Haley.”
“They both moved in about a month ago.”
“We got to know each other and I became good friends with Haley, but not as much with Mary because she’s more reserved, so she tends to stay in her room.”
“I have 3 rules for the flat…”
“1- No loud noises after 11 pm on weekdays because we all have school or work…”
“2- If one of us is not sleeping at home, she tells the others (so that we don’t worry)…”
“3- And when someone is showering, you have to wait for the end of their shower before you can take one.”
“That’s because the plumbing in the flat is old and doesn’t work super well, so when two people shower at the same time, the person who was showering first gets cold water.”
“And then obviously, keep the place clean, but that doesn’t really have to be said.”
“I’ve had these rules with my previous roommates, and everything went well.”
“Mary doesn’t really respect the shower rule.”
“Normally, what we do is we scream ‘shower’ before getting in, and then we scream ‘over’ when we’re done.”
“But there were a few times when Mary went into the shower before the other person was done.”
“I completely understand that she wasn’t really used to the rule as much as I was, so it probably wasn’t intentional, and it was really hot, so taking a cold shower wasn’t a problem, so I just casually reminded her, but I didn’t really say anything.”
“Yesterday, I was coming home from work a bit late, and it was raining really hard, so when I got home, I went straight to the shower.”
“I really wanted a nice hot shower because I was really cold and tired, but not even 2 minutes after I got in the shower, the water turned cold.”
“I had shampoo in my hair, so it wasn’t ideal.”
“I got out to see why it was cold, and I heard another shower running; it was Mary.”
“I had to wait until she was done to go back in the shower and finally have hot water.”
“Today I sort of confronted her about it and told her that it was kind of annoying and that it would really be better if she followed the rule.”
“She told me that I was controlling and was trying to monitor when they showered and everything they did.”
“I asked Haley if she felt the same way, and she said no, and I also don’t feel like I try to control anything, or like the rules that I have are unreasonable.”
“Mary left right after the argument and hasn’t been responding to our texts.”
“I really want to fix it, but I’m also not sure if I’m in the wrong or not.”
“Sorry if this is not clear, English isn’t my first language, and the characters are limited, so if you need clarification, I’ll answer in the comments.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“Am I the a**hole?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
“Clearly the answer is to take a shower while she is already in there and let her figure it out why it’s not a great idea -NTA.” ~ Oystermeat
“That’s exactly what occurred to me as I was reading it.”
“Also, Mary sounds like an AH.” ~ SharkeyGeorge
“True, and OP is NTA, but this s**t here is precisely why I dislike roommates– I worked a second job instead of dealing with a**holes like Mary!!”
“She needs to find someplace else, and OP needs a lease/tenancy agreement with rules IN that document.” ~ GenealogyGirlie
“Every time she is in the shower, turn on the other one so she gets cold water. NTA.” ~ Quick-Possession-245
“From now on, whenever you hear one of the roommates who feels this way go into the shower, start turning on your shower for a bit while they’re in there, so their water turns ice cold.”
“Just keep doing it to them over and over until it personally affects them, and they see how crappy it is.” ~ sallystruthers69
“NTA, because there is a real problem when two showers are going at the same time, you’ve explained it, and have a system in place to deal with it.”
“It may be that she doesn’t mind because she’s never experienced being the first shower and losing hot water when a second shower is turned on.”
“I can only suggest that you provide her with that experience once or twice.”
“Then have a house meeting and go over ground rules together and see if all agree on them, want to add any, remove any, and vote.”
“Majority rules.”
“That’s better than saying you set the rules because your parents own the place.”
“It will feel like she gets an equal say.”
“Which is fair.” ~ Euphoric_Travel2541
“NTA. Why don’t you just turn off the shower and turn it on again?”
“Then you get the hot water and she gets the cold.” ~ GraveArchitectur3
“You established 3 simple rules.”
“She knew the rules when she agreed to rent.”
“Now she says the rules are controlling.”
“That is an issue you brought up before agreeing to live BY THOSE RULES.”
“She either needs to apologize and start living by the VERY SIMPLE (and rational shower rule) or you need to look for a new roommate. NTA.” ~ catskilkid
“NTA- you should start getting in the shower after her so she understands where you’re coming from… lol.” ~ Careless-Hall-743
“NTA. You aren’t trying to control when she showers.”
“You just want a heads up so you don’t have to take a cold one.” ~ lmchatterbox
“NTA, seriously, you could make a case that having to say you are staying elsewhere is somewhat controlling, but if you agree to it, then you do.”
“The shower thing is just mechanical. I’ve lived in lots of places where you couldn’t do anything else while someone is in the shower (and flushing the toilet often resulted in all the COLD water being used up and you being scalded), that’s just common sense.” ~ shelwood46
“NTA. Mary doesn’t understand common courtesy.”
“The next time she gets in the shower, wait a minute or two, then hop in yourself.” ~ plm56
“NTA. It’s not at all unreasonable to want to have hot water for a shower, especially once cold weather comes.”
“I could understand forgetting maybe once or twice after just moving in, but she should have remembered it by now.”
“You’re not asking them to always let you shower first; it’s more a matter of first-come, first-served.” ~ WolfGoddess77
“You established rules, as the primary owner/leaseholder, and the roommates are your tenants.”
“They agreed to the rules to move in, so they must follow the rules.”
“Further, your rules aren’t unreasonable. NTA.” ~ imnvs_runvs
“NTA. Tell Mary if she can’t follow the rule, you’ll find someone who can.”
“I’m just petty enough to turn on the other shower every time she gets in, to show her the reason for the rule.” ~ Stephreads
“NTA. Sit her down to talk or in text, remind her of the rules, specifically the shower rule.”
“If she doesn’t follow the rule, she can find a new place to live.”
“She needs to see how serious you are about this.”
“As for being controlling, I can see why she thinks that.”
“She’s an adult, and you’re asking your tenant to message others if they won’t be home.”
“She’s not your responsibility, and she probably resents being treated like a child by constantly having to check in with you.”
“But that’s the only one of the rules I can see being ‘controlling.'”
“The shower makes sense because old plumbing and quiet hours are pretty standard.”
“She may not be the best fit as a roommate for you.” ~ Exciting-Peanut-1526
OP came back with an update.
“Mary came home a while ago and we sat down to talk about the whole thing.”
“She really apologized and listened, and it was honestly great.”
“She told me many things, the first one being that she was in a very bad mood yesterday and this morning for personal reasons, and she apologized for that.”
“She said that she would try to really be a better roommate from now on.”
“We also talked about the rules and what we thought was appropriate (with Haley), and now have a whole system.”
“And lastly, she told me that she was feeling a bit excluded because Haley and I get along really well, while she’s less social and has been struggling a bit more, so we’ve really talked and tried to get to know each other.”
“In other words, all’s well that ends well, thankfully, and I think I might’ve even gotten a new friend because of this whole thing.”
“I’d also like to thank everyone who was nice and gave constructive advice!”
It’s so nice to hear that this all worked out for you, OP.
Communication can work wonders.
Buildings with old plumbing can cause a lot of problems.
It’s great that you ladies could be adults about this and talk it out.
Keep calm and let the hot water stay on. 🚿