When planning a wedding, a lot of opinions and wants can be thrown at the couple by their families.
Deciding which requests—if any—to incorporate into their plans can lead to unwanted conflict for the couple. While compromise can alleviate that, at some point a line needs to be drawn or the wedding risks becoming about everyone but the couple getting married.
A soon-to-be bride is struggling with her future mother-in-law's plans for her wedding. So she turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit to pose a hypothetical "Would I Be The A**hole" (WIBTA) scenario.
BrainBerry1 asked:
"WIBTA for refusing to get married in a Catholic Church?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My fiancé (27, male) and I (27, female) have a happy, respectful 3-year relationship and have cohabited harmoniously for 2 years. My fiancé was raised as a Catholic and was an active member of the Church until he went to university."
"I was baptised a Christian and attended Church of England schools; however, as an adult, I have been atheist. When we met, we joked about how we were both raised religious but no longer believed in God."
"I've always said I didn't want a big wedding; I just want a relaxed, intimate day and for us to throw a party once we are married. To this, he would say 'yeah, we don't need a big day' or 'whatever makes you happy' and we would lightheartedly discuss eloping."
"My mum supports these wishes but my fiancé's mother has suggested a reception venue and discussed coaches for guests to get from the ceremony to the reception (i.e. has planned the whole day out already)."
"Since we last visited his family, my fiancé now says he's always wanted to get married in the church where his parents and grandparents got married."
"He says this is the only thing he's ever asked of me and has made some (uncharacteristically) sarcastic remarks about getting married elsewhere: 'yeah, let's get married in an office that has no sentimental value to either of us'."
"From my understanding, I'd have to attend a course, we'd have to attend that church (it's in Wales and we live in London), and we'd have to vow to raise our children in the Church."
"I have my own feelings about the Catholic Church as I don't agree with their views on abortion, I'm not homophobic, I don't believe cohabitation is a sin, and I find them outdated (e.g. no women in the clergy)."
"I raised these feelings with my fiancé privately and expressed that it didn't feel right to me to be dishonest on our wedding day, vowing to raise my children in the Church, and our service being all about God."
"He fed my concerns back to his mother who apparently said 'it doesn't need to be a lie, I'll take the children to Church every Sunday!'."
"I feel I'm sacrificing a lot as it would inevitably become the white wedding I never wanted. I would feel awkward/embarrassed all day and would have to stand in front of friends, family, and my fiancé, (and God, apparently) and lie on a day that is meant to be special."
"I'd silently resigned myself to going through with it, because I understand the pressure my fiancé feels to please his family, and became upset one night. My fiancé came to comfort me and I told him I'd decided we could get married in his church."
"We fell asleep, and when I tried to raise the conversation with him again he said 'I don't want to talk about our wedding, it makes me feel sad'."
"In my heart, I'm against the idea of getting married there and it feels like a wedding for his family rather than for us."
"WIBTA for refusing to get married there, or should I suck it up and focus on the marriage part, which is much more important?"
The OP added:
"The money for the wedding will mainly be coming from myself. My fiancé has begun to put some money aside each month towards it."
"His parents have said they will contribute, which I tried to politely decline but his mother said that she understands that I want to be independent but that they will, of course, be contributing."
"My mother has also offered to contribute... not sure how as she has no money, but the offer is there!"
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors unanimously decided the OP would not be the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA. But the bigger concern is your fiance. Sounds like he's letting his family control him."
"Give in to this and they'll be controling you. They've already got plans for YOUR children."
"Do you want that life? Do you want it for your children?"
"Stand firm now or get out." ~ MerlinBiggs
"Do you really think it'll stop at just the wedding?"
"If you give in here, his family will feel they can dictate all your decisions throughout your life, and your fiancé has shown you that he will consider his family's wishes over yours."
"He needs to stand up for you, and the fact he's not is a giant red flag."
"Absolutely NTA." ~ ed_lv
"100% this. He needs to stand up to his family now, about this, for the sake of the success of your marriage. It is not just about the wedding. It is about his mother having too much influence over things that are important between the two of you."
"If this were just about the wedding—adhering to a family tradition of having the reception at a particular place, for example, I would have a different answer. But getting married in the Catholic Church when you and your future husband aren't Catholic is about so much more than that."
"I have been married for many years to a man who was raised Catholic. He made it a point to tell his parents before the wedding that he was no longer Catholic and to refuse to marry in the church, because he did not want his parents to have any false hopes about how their future grandchildren would be raised."
"He felt it was important to stand up for us and our relationship at the beginning of our marriage and to be clear that his primary loyalty now lay to his own family rather than his family of origin."
"His mother was deeply upset, but she came to understand that this was her problem to deal with rather than a relationship problem between us. She is still sad today about her son and her grandchildren not being Catholic, but that has not prevented us from having a great relationship."
"So no, YWNBTA. Your fiancé should stand up for himself and for your family unit. It will save you endless grief in the future if he does it now." ~ DeeplyCommitted
"You fiancé needs to pick a side now because this is just the opening salvo in your MIL being a never-ending partner in your future marriage. She wins on this. She will expect to have meaningful input in every major decision that you make."
"You need more talk with him about his relationship with his parents. Talk about boundaries and dealbreakers."
"YWNBTA to refuse. This is your time. This is your lives." ~ Some_Range_9037
"And the lives of any kids they have. If OP folds on the wedding, she can expect MIL to arrange to get the kids baptised, go to church and/or Sunday school, and to get a good Christian education indoctrination." ~ RamblingManUK
"You should definitely focus on the marriage part. What's your marriage going to be like? This guy is willing to walk all over you to have the wedding of his mother's dreams."
"He's eager to please his family even in ways that directly affect you and make you profoundly uncomfortable. And his mom wants to take your future children to Mass every week."
"Focus on the marriage part. Think long and hard about that. NTA." ~ AfterSevenYears
"It is a wedding for his family!!!"
"He was happy with your previous ideas until mommy dearest started whispering in his ear. He is not marrying his mother he is marrying you."
"Your wants and needs come first. You don't feel comfortable getting married under a lie, which it is no matter how they try sugar-coating it."
"Then for her to jump on the pony of taking your kids to church with her every Sunday? She is already trying to take over."
"Your fiancé can either stand by you or behind you. He needs to tell his mother a simple no and leave it at that."
"Stand your ground OP and don't even give them an inch of space to protest. NTA at all." ~ PlantainVisible3444
"NTA. And either your soon to be husband is still holding value to organized religion or he has the same views as you. Which is it?"
"He needs to decide that and talk to his parents about it if he is on your side. You need to be happy and confident marrying your person."
"If marrying him in a church makes you uncomfortable, and it pleases his family, who are you marrying?" ~ GardenSafe8519
"NTA, if the possibility of it had been discussed when the subject had been brought up through the course of your relationship then I would say otherwise, but he has brought this up out of the blue and you have very genuine concerns."
"Nevermind the fact that the wedding day is about BOTH of your love, not what outside influences want, especially family. Do you really want to spend your special day together feeling like you've given up a large chunk of your morals and opinions?"
"His sarcastic and demeaning remarks to bully you into this also rings alarm bells for me. Is this a regular occurrence, or is this out of character for him to behave during a disagreement?"
"Either way I'd say put off plans to get wed until you come to some form of compromise, or worst case scenario accept the lack of compatibility and go your separate ways." ~ spookobsessedscot
It sounds like this couple needs to have some serious conversations before any wedding takes place.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.