Divorce is further complicated when there are children involved.
After all, a parent still wants what is best for their children despite the dissolution of marriage.
One man who identifies as an atheist noticed a significant change in appearance from his kids, whom he shares custody with his ex-wife.
When he later learned the truth behind his young daughter’s new manner of dress under a religion he was not familiar with, his next move incurred major frustration from his former wife.
So he visited the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit to seek judgment from strangers online.
There, Redditor concerned_parent1000 asked:
“AITA for letting my daughter wear whatever she is comfortable in, in my house?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“Okay, this requires some important details. First, I am a (37 M[ale]). My ex wife, ‘Deanna’ (36 F[female]) and I have 2 kids, our daughter ‘Jane (12 F[female]) and our son ‘Eddie’ (10 M[ale]). We got married semi young at 23 and 24, we divorced amicably five years ago.”
“Deanna recently married a man she has been seeing for a few years, who I will call ‘A.’ Something I need to bring up here is that I am half Mexican, Deanna is a white woman, and A is of Middle Eastern descent.”
“While I wouldn’t say A and I are friends, I do think he’s a pretty nice guy, and seems like a really good match for Deanna. The kids also like him, so that’s another bonus in my book.”
The OP continued:
“Deanna and I split custody of the kids. HOWEVER. Deanna and A got married two months ago. Since then, Deanna has chosen to wear a covering, which I am sorry but the name slips my mind.”
“She converted to A’s religion as well. Which, I’m very happy about if that’s what she wants. But last week, when she dropped off the kids, I was surprised to see that Jane was wearing one as well.”
“But, I assumed she must have wanted to wear it and was maybe deciding to convert her faith as well, so I didn’t bring it up. I feel that she’s old enough to decide for herself, and as an atheist myself, I’m all for my children choosing what they believe.”
The OP’s mindset changed after the following incident.
“A few days ago, I was going to go see a movie with my kids but told them I had to finish some paperwork in my office first, which took about half an hour. When I walked back into the living room, Jane was wearing one of Eddie’s t shirts and a pair of shorts. We had a conversation which kind of went like this:”
“Me: what’s going on? Jane, are you supposed to take off your covering? (I don’t really know how any of it works, sorry if that offends anyone)”
“Eddie: she hates wearing that stuff. So I let her borrow some of my clothes.”
“Jane: yeah dad, I hate it. Mom makes me wear it. She says I have to wear it all the time, even at your house.”
“Me: so, you aren’t choosing to wear it?”
“Jane: no. I never want to wear it again.”
“I checked her bag, and sure enough, it contained tank tops underwear, and the coverings (which cover the hair and body, but not the face.) I took the kids on a quick target trip before the movie to get Jane some clothes of her liking.”
“Two days ago, when Deanna came by to pick up the kids, she flipped out on Jane for not wearing the traditional clothing. Deanna and I got into a heated argument, and I told her that Jane shouldn’t HAVE TO wear the covering if she doesn’t want to, especially because it’s very hot in our city.”
“Deanna argued that she and the kids are now different and follow a stricter religion, I might be the a-hole because I argued back that it is stupid that the religion would force young girls to cover up so much all the time and be so strict about it.”
“Deanna took offense, and left with the kids. I feel bad because I don’t want to insult a while country or countries but I don’t think my daughter should have to wear anything she doesn’t want to. AITA?”
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
Many Redditors thought the OP was not the a**hole (NTA) here.
“NTA.”
“So the covering is called a hijab, but Islam does NOT require women to cover. Plenty of Muslim women are not hijabi. The decision to cover, ideally, should be a personal one. One that you feel personally called/lead to. Plenty of Muslim women adopt the hijab well into adulthood and/or also go through times of covering and not covering for this reason.”
“What I’m saying is: you’re not wrong, but you’re blaming the wrong thing.”
“It’s Deanna and A’s decision to make her cover like this. They are the ones who have this requirement for her, and they are blaming religion so that they don’t personally look like the bad guys for instituting modesty rules. Tell them that their modesty rules are for their house only.”
“And you may even find allies within their religious community who would vehemently oppose a girl being forced to cover against her will, especially when her father opposes this. Perhaps even their Imam.” – CrewelSummer
“I see this rather more suspiciously.”
“Converting to another religion (of any kind) is a long process which involves instruction from leaders of the new religion and usually involving smaller induction rites before you are a full member of that religion. It doesn’t sound as though this has happened in Deanna’s case.”
“Also, the previous commenter is correct that the coverings are not mandated in the Muslim religion and only implemented if a woman feels a personal calling to do so in adulthood.”
“I do not believe that forcing a child (who is not Muslim) to cover up is part of the religion, therefore, feel that A is a controlling person who maybe forcing this onto your daughter and possibly even Deanna.”
“Such controlling behaviour leads to other DV actions.”
“You as your daughter’s parent are required to protect and advocate for your children and to assist them if they are not in a safe, healthy environment.” – Boring-Article7511
“You are correct. I have a cousin who married a Persian Muslim. They just wear American styles (just more modest versions. No prairie dresses for example.) If you didn’t know, you would not guess. They are quite devout. It is a more a cultural thing than a religious thing, I think.” – ANoisyCrow
“I’d definitely look into getting a court to revisit the custody agreement. If your daughter would rather be at your house more often because of this, I feel like at age 12 a judge would likely take her wishes into consideration, especially given this new forced religion debacle.”
“It’d be different if it was you and your wife under one roof and she’s always been brought up this way, but it’s not and you both have very different ideas of how this should go. The fact that this is being sprung on her now, as a preteen, is even more concerning and, I’m sure, very confusing for her.”
“This impacts her at home as well as school, and if she was of the faith I’d say tally ho but since she’s not if could lead to exacerbated bullying. She could already get bullied just for wearing hijab (whole other can of worms) but if she believed in it at least she’d have that solace.”
“Here she’s being forced into doing something against her will out of nowhere it’s gonna cause problems. It could also have lasting effects on her outlook, relationships, and self confidence going forward.”
“Even if you daughter chose to spend the same amount of time with your ex, at least she’d have the option and therefore more freedom with a backup of being able to only see the ex on weekends or whatever arrangement is made.” – JupiterSkyFalls
“OP you need to go back to court NOW!! This is only going to get worse your exes new guy is gonna force your children into the religion and then God forbid try to force a marriage on her. You need an attorney like yesterday. YWBTA if you don’t do something now.” – Thesexyone-698
“You REALLY need to get more informed about this religion OP. What if you ex-wife asks if she can take your daughter to visit her new husband’s family? You give permission and never see your daughter again. I know some great Muslims.”
“But there are many, many stories on line about females taken to meet relatives only to be forced to marry before they have opportunity to date and ‘sin’. The fact that this couple is making your daughter dress in accordance with a religion she does not follow is VERY worrisome.”
“Protect your daughter OP.Ask her if she wants to continue to got to her mother’s home if they are going to force hero dress this way. If not –then step up and ask for full time.A child should never be coerced into any religion.” – FireBallXLV
“A Muslim friend told me that one of the biggest sins in Islam is interfering with other ppls relationship with Allah which is exactly what your ex and new husband is doing. I’d really be studying hard on the topic of social control and consider how much of a say your daughter should have from now on and fight for it.”
“I’m not antiislam but I am staunchly against pushing any religious agenda on kids, especially when they’re not interested.” – Thedonkeyforcer
While a strong majority of Redditors sided with the OP as not being in the wrong, they expressed deep concern for the well-being of the daughter.
Many believed that A was using his religion to be controlling and manipulative of the OP’s ex-wife, and they strongly encouraged him to consider options that would protect their daughter’s future.