Baby names must be up there with weddings when it comes to unnecessary drama. That’s probably why I’ve avoided both like the plague.
People can get weird about “sharing” a name. I happen to share my own first name with multiple members of my family—both the women before me that I got the name from and my maternal second and third cousins who were named after the same women as I was.
My first name is neither common nor unusual. During my childhood, it was a name that was dying out and aside from relatives, I didn’t know anyone with my name.
But by the time I was in my 20s, “old-fashioned” names like mine were making a comeback.
My first name is part of my family heritage, but most of the children I meet now with the same name were named for some famous person or beloved fictional character or their parents picked it out of a baby name book because they liked how it sounds.
Either way, just because it’s my first name and I may have had it longer than anyone I meet who shares my name, I don’t have any ownership over it.
But some people flip out over someone else “stealing” their baby’s name and feel like they have a say in who gets to use “their” name. Unless it’s a company or product name you copyrighted, that’s not true.
A mom-to-be turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback after someone objected to her baby name choice.
Fluffy-Permit8507 asked:
“AITA for refusing to change my unborn daughter’s name?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“For context my brother (34, male) and his girlfriend (28, female) have been together for 8 months and my brother has admitted it’s already getting a bit rocky and he’s debating leaving her.”
“After a few months of trying, me (27, female) and my husband (28, male) are pregnant with our first baby. I am 20 weeks along and have been very unsure about a name for our baby girl until 2 weeks ago.”
“At first we were hesitant about being public about the name as I know disagreements can occur. I won’t lie, it’s a pretty basic name, but it’s his late grandmother’s name and a name I had always liked, so we went with it.”
“Just a bit more context—my husband lost his mum at 8 years old and his father was never really present, so his grandmother became his caregiver and a massive part of his life.”
“We started dating at 14 & 15 and from the start I was open about my home life not being the best and she welcomed me in her home whenever i needed. She was also a massive part of my life and helped me get through my abusive parents—we’re now on better terms—and bullying, so we always had a good relationship.”
So this wasn’t just a name I was going with for my husband. We both loved the idea of our baby girl taking the name of her great-grandmother and wearing it in honour of her.”
“After we announced the name, my brother’s girlfriend flipped. She stated that was her late daughter’s name—from a different man, not my brother.”
“So I had no idea that was her name. My brother just informed us her daughter had passed last year and to be careful on those sorts of topics around her, but the name was never brought up.”
“She immediately demanded we change the name and said the baby wouldn’t care.”
“I explained it was in honour of my husband’s late grandmother and it had real meaning to us and we didn’t want to change it. But she insisted she couldn’t hear her daughters name, especially not on another child.”
“I understand it must be so hard, but the name has meaning to us and, if I’m being honest, if she was genuinely a part of my family, I may have considered it. But my brother wasn’t sure if they were forever.”
“I offered for them to come up with a nickname we use around her if she desperately didn’t want to hear the name, but she refused and said she doesn’t care about who’s grandmother is dead, she had it coming as an old person, but her daughter still had her whole life ahead of her and called me an inconsiderate cow.”
“My brother broke up with her on the spot and now my three friends are saying I took it too far, but I really don’t see how.”
“So AITA?”
The OP later added:
“About me including my friend’s randomly at the end, these 3 girls are my closest friends and we have very similar opinions and have always told each other everything.”
“My brother’s girlfriend had gone and told them—and other people apparently, but no one else has contacted me—that I knew the name was her daughter’s and picked it in spite of her.”
“Obviously, that’s not true.”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I refuse to change my baby’s name and admittedly I got a bit rude and defensive. I understand losing a loved one cannot be easy, but I just want her to respect my feelings, too.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“NTA. I get why she is upset, but she can’t demand that of you. If you’re not even close enough to her to know the name of her late daughter, then that’s far enough of a separation that she can’t tell you what to do.”
“It would be a different story if her daughter’s name was a unique name, and that you only decided on it after hearing it from her. But that’s completely not the case here.” ~ svenson_26
“She had no obligation to change the name. Brother’s now ex-girlfriend is definitely still grieving, but didn’t need to call her a cow and expect people to change their baby name because of her loss. NTA.” ~ karjeda
“NTA. I lost my first child when she was 7 months old. I was sensitive about family using her name… But never demanded anything.”
“Nobody owns a name. I have a cousin that gave her daughter my child’s name as a middle name and asked me. Of course I gave my blessing.”
“You didn’t know her daughter… Y’all aren’t family… I personally don’t think you did anything wrong.” ~ GoreGoddezz
“NTA. The choice of name is a beautiful way for you and your husband to honor the woman who raised him. There’s nothing wrong with that.”
“As for your brother’s ex-girlfriend, she lost whatever sympathy I had when she said your husband’s grandmother ‘had it coming’.” ~ New-Number-7810
“NTA. The name has nothing to do with her except coincidentally being her dead daughter’s name. The name has another meaning for you, so keep it. The burden is for her to bear. And in 8 months, she may be no longer around even your friends.” ~ messageinthebox
“NTA—you recognized that she was a short-timer in your life. You do not plan long term decisions around people who are temporarily passing through your life.” ~ ZombieHealthy2616
“NTA. I actually would have said N A H because you’re entitled to name your baby what you want, and she’s entitled to be upset hearing the name of her late daughter… but she completely lost me when she said, ‘I don’t care who’s grandmother is dead, she had it coming’.”
“No, that’s just nasty. If you wanted to be an AH you could have made a similar comment about her daughter, but you didn’t. You’ve done nothing wrong, so don’t feel guilty.”
“It’s also not your fault that they broke up. Your brother was already considering breaking up, but even if he hadn’t been, you aren’t responsible for your brother’s decisions.”
“I would reconsider if the people saying you’re wrong are actually your friends, because they don’t sound like it!” ~ Proud_Fee_1542
“NTA. It is a name with a special meaning to you and your husband. From the sounds of it, your brother’s ex-girlfriend might need some therapy if she’s that upset about someone else using that name for their child.”
“Nobody ‘owns’ a name and for her to demand that nobody in the family of her significant other use that name for their currently unborn child isn’t right, especially when you take the fact that it has special meaning for you and your husband.”
“What happens if your daughter had already been born when she found out you were using that name?” ~ Efficient_Wheel_6333
“Absolutely NTA. Feel free to share the following information with her:”
“First of all, who the f*ck is she to demand that from you.”
“Second of all, her feelings as the brother’s girlfriend (not even SIL) doesn’t take priority over yours, the parents.”
“Third of all, you don’t have to explain anything, you’re the parents. You can name her Chalupa Batman if you want to. Her feelings as your sibling’s temporary love interest don’t mean d*ck.”
“Fourth of all, the world doesn’t revolve around her. She’s gonna be in for a surprise when she finds out there’s plenty of other children with the same name.”
“Fifth of all, calling you an inconsiderate cow is not a great way to get you to see her perspective.” ~ Mrbuckshots
As many pointed out, no one owns a name. The OP and her husband chose a name that meant something to them.
Whatever it means to anyone else isn’t their concern.