Most of us want to help out our friends whenever we can, but sometimes our friends can cross a line into just using us.
A woman on Reddit who is a former bartender found herself in this situation when it turned out her friend invited her to a birthday party solely so that she can make everyone cocktails.
She wasn't sure about how she handled the situation, so the went to the AITA (Am I The A**hole) subReddit for perspective.
The Original Poster (OP), who goes by the username MissAnthropyy on the site, asked:
"AITA for refusing to tend bar at my friend's birthday BBQ and then ignoring her texts?"
She explained:
"A good friend of mine's birthday is on May 30 so she has a birthday/Memorial Day BBQ every year. This year, she decided that she wanted a big margarita bar at the party."
"I used to be a bartender so she texted me ahead of time if I'd help her decide what kinds of tequila, mixers, garnishes, etc. to buy, and to help her set it up."
"I agreed to help and sent her a shopping list. Then, I came to her house an hour early to help her set up the bar, cut limes, set out cups, etc."
"Everything was set up on a folding table out in her backyard, where the BBQ was going to happen."
"As I was cutting limes, she came over with a chair, set it behind the table, and said, 'This is for you to sit in when you're not making everyone's drinks.'"
"I was like 'Hold on a sec - you're expecting me to actually work at this party?'"
"She looked at me and said 'Yeah, you agreed to help?' and I said that while I agreed to help her out, she'd never asked me to work her party for free, and if she had asked, I'd have said no."
"She got really upset so I ended up writing the instructions on a little chalkboard she had and propped it up on the table."
"She seemed begrudgingly okay with it, it looked cute and everyone at the party had a lot of fun making their own margaritas."
"But the day after the party she texted me to say how hurt she was that I didn't keep my promise to bartend the party."
"I screenshotted our conversation where she'd asked me for help and said 'I helped you shop for what you needed and came early to help set up. But please show me where in this conversation I promised to work your entire party for free because I never said that.'"
"She responded that there was no need to get sarcastic and snippy with her, and then I stopped responding."
"She texted me a few more times, things like 'Hello.....?' and 'So you're just ignoring me now?'"
"I'm going to give it a few days and then see what happens, but in the meantime, AITA?"
People on Reddit were then asked to judge who was in the wrong in this situation based on the following categories:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
As you might guess, they were firmly on OP's side, and felt her friend was way out of line.
"NTA. I am into a mixology and am not a professional by any means."
"But for my parents anniversary+mom's birthday (a double party) I volunteered to set up a bar station."
"I thought not many will drink bc its not custom in my country to have alcohol ready."
"Let me tell you how crowded it gets when people realize there is free booze AND it gets concocted into a cocktail."
"I think I grew 50 muscles that day, my arms were so sore."
"She: a. took your expertise, skills, muscle memory for granted; b. tricked you into thinking you were gonna have fun when bartending at a party is a full time job."
"She's an AH. PLUS seems like she has no self awareness to reflect days later" --diosmiotio18
"It sounds to me like OP attends this party every year, and it was only this year that she was asked to bartend"
"So, less inviting someone only so they will be your bartender, and more just detailing a party guest to be an unpaid employee all night. I'm not sure which is more rude" --mdaniel018
"And what further answer did she expect after OP showed her that their was no promise of working at the party? An excuse?"
"She got the help she asked for. To bad that she couldn't lure a free barkeeper in."
"NTA" --EvilFinch
"NTA and the audacity of your friend is astounding to me."
"In what world is 'help out' the same as 'work my party for free'? She's not entitled to your labour. I'd demand an apology or else go LC/NC." --alokasia
"NTA. You helped. A lot! For free."
"If she wanted to hire you to work as a bartender at an event, she should have made that clear so you could either tell her no, or negotiate a fee commensurate with your level of expertise." --TemptingPenguin369
"NTA"
"She was in the wrong, you proved it, and her only defense left was 'no need to get snippy.'"
"Once she got to that point, the correct move for her was to apologize for the presumption and move on."
"My guess is she made promises that there was going to be a bartender working the party, and she was embarrassed to find out she screwed up." --N8HPL
"NTA. She was trying to use you for free labor: I think you went above and beyond to help her set up and also give her an alternative for the party instead of leave her hanging. She sounds pretty ungrateful." --astandre1
"NTA"
"And I would respond with, 'yes. I am ignoring you. Your behavior is appallingly entitled.'"
"'You attempted to manipulate my memory and state I agreed to do something that I did not. When o showed you EVIDENCE that you were lying you again made me out to be an aggressor staying was being sarcastic.'"
"'That's unhinged from reality. You then later take it further saying I promised. This is unacceptable.'"
"'I will not continue to engage with someone who is lying and unwilling to admit their lying. Wrong and unwilling to admit that they are wrong.'"
"'And completing unwilling to apologize and expecting that be the one to do so. I have no interest in having a conversation with someone so manipulative and I am reconsidering continuing this friendship.'"
"There's probably a nicer way to say that, but I'm rarely gentle with entitled liars." --TashiaNicole1
"Ah, this brings back memories of a co-worker who asked, 'Can you help me with this project?' I replied, 'What do you need help with?' and he dumped the entire project on my desk and said, 'Thank you' and started to walk away."
"I told him 'a) I never said I WOULD help him, and b) helping means 'some of' not 'all of' the work so he could get his butt right back over here and take this back.'"
"And he went crying to our boss that I was mean (literally) and not a 'team player' and since I'd already done a 'can you believe this MFer?' to my boss - got shut down and told 'do your own work'."
"And he tried it several more times. I started warning people that to him, 'help me' means 'do it for me'."
"So there are some people who literally think they have asked you do do a thing when a reasonable person would not have that understanding."
"Those people are a-holes and generally narcissists. Wry." --The1Eileen
"NTA. No one works for free. She was not clear upfront about her requirements and frankly seems entitled."
"Whether you respond or not is up to you but it's also a question of how much you value your relationship with her." --may2march
"NTA. She can't even claim it was a misunderstanding because even after the party was over, she texted you to complain AGAIN that you didn't bartend. What on earth?! Keep ignoring her, she was trying to take advantage of you." --JuniorFix3344
"NTA, so rude that she expected you to work for free! I think it was a great compromise to write the instructions and let people make their own."
"I'm sure literally no one was upset about it besides the host. I mean who tf has a bartender for a party in their home?!"
"I've only been to one party like that ever bc I was working at it, it was for super rich people and they hired a bartender and 2 waitresses (I was one of them.)"
"But we were paid well and got tips. And that's definitely not normal for the average backyard BBQ! This friend tried to take advantage and pressure you into doing it." --peach_xanax
"NTA"
"Agreeing to help and agreeing to bartend aren't the same thing."
"Of course when you so conveniently pointed that out instead of apologizing for accusing you of not upholding a promise she instead decided to deflect with 'no need to be snippy'."
"You did more than enough and it wasn't fair of her to try and make you feel guilty for not doing something that you never agreed to do in the first place."
"Truthfully I'd avoid talking to her until she apologized. Not the most adult or reasonable way to handle the conflict but 🤷♀️" --picturebook-graduate
Hopefully OP's friend can learn from this.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.