We should all be able to agree that the most important thing about a wedding is two people celebrating their love for one another and coming together to start their own family.
But sometimes a member of the wedding party gets too swept up in the aesthetics of the wedding instead of the ceremony itself, cringed the people in the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit, and the problem isn’t always the bride.
Redditor Glittering-Test-3763 was excited to get married, but she was becoming nervous because of all the comments her new family-in-law was making about her “intense” gray-blue eye color.
When they went so far as to suggest that she wear color eye contacts the day of the wedding to make the event more “inviting” for guests, the Original Poster (OP) was hurt and wasn’t sure how to feel about the family’s acceptance of her.
She asked the sub:
“AITAH for refusing to wear colored contacts for my wedding because my fiancé’s family thinks my natural eye color is ‘too intense’?”
The OP had a very striking and unique eye color.
“I (28 Female) have naturally very light gray-blue eyes.”
“It’s something people have commented on my whole life. Some say they look striking, and others say they’re a little ‘unnerving.'”
“I never thought much of it until I got engaged to my fiancé (30 Male).”
She was surprised by how her fiancé’s perceived her appearance.
“His family is very traditional, and recently his mom pulled me aside and kindly suggested that I wear colored contacts on my wedding day because my ‘icy’ eyes might look ‘too intense’ in the photos and that ‘soft brown would be more elegant.'”
“I laughed it off, thinking it was a weird joke.”
“But then my fiancé brought it up too, saying his family thinks it would look better if I went with a more ‘warm and inviting’ look for our wedding day.”
“I told him absolutely not. I argued this is my natural eye color, and I’m not going to alter my appearance just to please his family.”
The bride was surprised by how the family took her refusal.
“He said it’s not a big deal and that he doesn’t personally care, but he thinks I should do it just to ‘keep the peace.'”
“Now his family is acting like I’m being difficult over something small, and my fiancé is frustrated that I’m turning this into an argument.”
“But to me, it is a big deal. Why should I have to change something important about myself just because they don’t like it?”
“AITAH for refusing?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that her fiancé and future family should love her as she is.
“NTA. If he isn’t accepting of your eye color, then he’s not accepting all of you, which is what a spouse is supposed to do.” – Embersolaris
“That’s an insane ask. What’s even crazier is that your fiancé went along with it. That’s a gigantic red flag, OP…” – OceanBlueRose
“The OP wrote that her future husband ‘said it’s not a big deal and that he doesn’t personally care.’ But if that were true, he would have shut down his family, because this is just beyond ridiculous. Clearly, he DOES care, and he DOES think it’s a big deal.”
“Major red flags are being flown. NTA.” – HarveySnake
“Your issue is less the in-laws and more the fiancé. Of anyone, he should be telling his family to back off. But instead, he wants you to change your actual eye color. What the f**k?!”
“NTA. But it’s time to seriously reconsider marrying someone who doesn’t support you and who wants to change your literal eye color, which is a key part of a person’s identity, whether they’re ‘into appearances’ or not. Huge red flag.” – Beck2010
“‘Sorry, I like who I am’ or ‘Sorry, I can’t wear contacts.'”
“I cannot for the life of me wear them, so if anyone suggested I do so, especially for an asinine reason, I would have some very choice words and question who I was marrying.”
“Your beau has no spine. Is this how you want your marriage to go? Where he doesn’t have your back? NTA.” – SteampunkHarley
“I’ve never heard of such an asinine request in my whole life, and I’m 70, lol (laughing out loud). The fact your fiance is agreeing is very disrespectful, as well.”
“I would stick to my guns here, and if he doesn’t like it, maybe the wedding should be postponed at the very least.”
“I’m wondering if he acts like this about other things so disrespectfully.”
“Good luck with this nonsense. NTA.” – Chuck60s
Others pointed out other compromises the family would likely not be willing to make.
“Ask them (especially your spineless fiancé) if your future children are going to have to wear contacts their entire lives so as not to unnerve anyone?” – Sunshinerincess21
“NTA NTA NTA. Maybe your fiancé should look for a future wife with brown eyes and as s**tty of a personality as your future mother-in-law, since that seems to be what your fiancé desires (cringe). You deserve better. Please run.” – Quiet-Application374
“If you even DARE think about getting color contacts, I demand that you get bright red ones! NTA.” – bettesue
“No. Just No. Your partner is not defending you. This is a ridiculous ask.”
“How about you inform your in-laws that the ugly sister has to wear a mask; the fat uncle has to stay out of pictures or get in the very back row, and the one with cancer has to wear a wig? These would be just as insane and heartless of asks.”
“Although, I am not sure how you are going to disguise your MIL’s nasty, entitled attitude.”
“Why would she have any say whatsoever in your wedding? Your fiancé sucks. He needs to get a backbone and shut it down now. Why would you want to marry him; marry into this family? Is this the first time fiancé has behaved like this?” – ramc5
“I think you should tell your future MIL she needs to lose at least 20 pounds and color her hair to something more age-appropriate (like grey because she’s old)… you know, for the wedding pictures.”
“Honestly, you should rethink this relationship. If your eye color doesn’t bother him, then he’s a p**sy for being a momma’s boy and taking her side in something totally stupid. And if your eye color does bother him you should dump him for being dishonest and an idiot. Either way is this really something you want?” – Whereswolf
Some agreed and urged the OP to rethink her relationship before getting married.
“Oh my God, are you really going to marry into this family of imbeciles? NTA.” – BeachinLife1
“NTA. Your eye color is a part of who you are, and you shouldn’t have to change it to appease your fiancé’s family. It’s disrespectful for them to suggest that your natural appearance is somehow ‘unacceptable’ for their wedding.”
“Your fiancé should be supporting you and standing up for you instead of pressuring you to conform to his family’s expectations. What will he expect you to conform to in the future?” – Willowstardream
“Ask them if they’d want their husbands to look into a different set of eyes and say, ‘I do.'”
“Also, your fiancé is a coward if he’s siding with them. Your future husband should be standing up for you and not backing down at a seriously critical moment in your relationship. NTA.” – the_donk_god
“This is bonkers. Your fiance needs to start backing you up or I’d cut him loose.”
“I have a friend who had a head of long wavy beautiful auburn hair. Her future MIL demanded that she put her hair in a very tight bun, color/cut her hair, or wear a brown wig! MIL was all about her golden child with brown hair and that GC was super jealous that (1) her brother was getting married before she did, (2) that my friend was very successful (and she wasn’t), and (3) of my friend’s attractiveness and striking hair.”
“For some reason, the fiance’s family focused on friends’s hair and looks. Thankfully, her now long-term hubby told his mom and sister to pound sand. You deserve that, too, OP.” – Catfish1960
“Honestly, life’s too long to deal with this bulls**t. The fiancé doesn’t understand his job is to shut. it. down. every. single. time.”
“Unfortunately, you can’t teach a guy to draw boundaries with an overbearing family. Clearly, he never has said no and OP will be expected to ALWAYS be the one caving to ‘keep the peace.'”
“If the OP goes through with the marriage it’ll be a lifetime of stupidity that will only get worse, especially if/when they have kids. Seriously, the constant stress and attempt to get mamma-boy to maintain some small bit of appropriate boundaries will shorten your life span.”
“Give back the ring and walk away. He’s not ready to grow up and be a competent spouse.” – Lucky_Platypus341
While it’s nice for everything on a wedding day to be beautiful and for the photos to turn out perfectly, it’s no reason to sacrifice something like a person’s true appearance.
If two people are marrying each other because they truly love each other, that should include how the other person looks, and that should remain apparent on their wedding day, not disguised. A wedding dress and tuxedo are not costumes, after all.