When it comes to relationships, everyone has a different limit regarding what they’re comfortable with and what they’re willing to put up with in a partner.
The most important thing is that they deserve to be able to choose for themselves what they’re comfortable with, pointed out the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit, not be “okay with it” by simply not knowing about it.
Redditor Upper-Gear9664 had been in a relationship for the past six months and thought everything was going really well.
But when she found out her boyfriend was also making adult films for extra money and was unapologetic about not telling her about it, the Original Poster (OP) knew this wasn’t something she could be comfortable with.
She asked the sub:
“AITAH for breaking up with my boyfriend after finding out he’s in adult films?”
The OP thought she was in an amazing relationship.
“I (23 Female) broke up with my boyfriend (24 Male), and now I’m stuck questioning if I went too far.”
“We’d been together for six months, and everything felt great. He’s funny, sweet, and we had this amazing chemistry.”
“He works as a mechanic (or at least that’s what I thought), and I’ve always admired how hardworking he seemed.”
But then one of the OP’s friends revealed something to her.
“A few days ago, though, my friend sent me a link that changed everything. She somehow came across a clip of him in an adult film.”
“At first, I thought she was crazy, but curiosity got the better of me, and I watched it (don’t judge me, I needed to confirm). And yeah, it was definitely him his face, his tattoos, everything.”
“I felt like the ground had been ripped out from under me.”
The OP’s boyfriend didn’t seem apologetic about keeping this information from her.
“When I confronted him, he didn’t even try to deny it. He admitted that while he works full-time as a mechanic, he’s been doing adult films on the side for extra money.”
“He claimed it’s ‘just work’ and insisted it’s not a big deal, but I felt completely betrayed.”
“He never once mentioned it to me, and the fact that he kept it hidden for six months made me wonder what else he might be hiding.”
“Then, he turned it around on me, saying I was being judgmental and hypocritical.”
The OP realized this wasn’t something she could make herself feel comfortable with.
“We argued for hours. He said I’m close-minded and that I don’t understand the industry, but I couldn’t get over the fact that he lied (or, okay, omitted such a massive part of his life).”
“I ended things, telling him I couldn’t be in a relationship where I felt like this kind of trust was missing.”
“Now, I’m overthinking everything. Was I being too harsh? Should I have been more understanding? Or was it fair for me to feel blindsided and betrayed?”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that her boyfriend should have told her a long time ago.
“Love, don’t let this a**hole gaslight you. He was dishonest AND he put YOUR HEALTH at risk by participating in sex outside of your relationship. Thank God you found out this early. Allow yourself to grieve the relationship, you get to leave with no babies or STDs.” – nabilahbee92
“He didn’t let you know he was having sex with other people. That is a huge deal in most relationships. He is definitely the a**hole here. NTA.” – muphasta
“NTA. You didn’t break up with him because he does porn. You broke up because he lied about it.”
“If it wasn’t a big deal, he would have been upfront with you. The way your post is worded makes it seem like he was doing this even while you guys were together, which is definitely cheating on top of everything else if he did.”
“You didn’t overreact. It was a complete breach of trust.” – Maka_cheese553
“He’s like, ‘It’s no big deal, babe, what’s the matter with you? I just lied about repeatedly having unprotected sex with people on camera so we could have a better life! I mean, most of them are on birth control and I get tested periodically (likely not for herpes or HPV, but who cares?).”
“I hope when framed that way you have your answer. I’m honestly surprised it’s a question.” – RichCreamiery
“What kind of adult films? Is he sleeping with other people? Or is it solo stuff? I’d be more understanding if it’s only solo stuff, but to not disclose that he is sleeping with others (even for work) would be enough for me to end things. That’s something that needs to be disclosed in a relationship.”
“And is he still doing it? If it was in the past I’d be more understanding. But if it is during the relationship, this would be enough for me to end the relationship.”
“A lie and a big hit on trust. And I would not be happy if my boyfriend was having sex with porn stars without telling me and letting me decide if that was something I’d be ok with.” – janet_snakeholex
“Dishonesty aside, he’s still doing it. If this were me, two things are concerning with that.”
“The first is the most obvious. STIs and STDs aren’t some minor unlikelihood. Depending on the porn, there could be a SIGNIFICANT chance of infection since a lot of adult actors are paid extra not to use protection.”
“The second is that ‘it’s for work’ doesn’t change that he’s having sex with other people regularly. I don’t know your stance on monogamy/non-monogamy, but you can only make an informed opinion about the situation if you know about it. Now that you DO know…how do you feel about him f**king other people?”
“For someone like me, who considers heavy flirting cheating, I wouldn’t be cool knowing he was sleeping with others, even professionally. He’s going to a set where people have gathered to intentionally f**k each other.”
“There’s no way to guarantee it’s 100 percent always professional; I mean, actors fall for each other all the time because they had to play lovers on screen. You’re telling me being naked and sexually aroused around other naked, sexually aroused people isn’t going to lead to some extracurricular hanky panky? Of course it does.”
“There’s nothing wrong with the work itself, but there are other complications to consider.” – Thin-Policy8127
Others agreed and said it was okay for the OP to have this boundary.
“There’s absolutely nothing wrong with you not feeling comfortable sharing your partner with other sex partners. To be clear, there’s nothing wrong with you if you are okay with it either. What matters is open communication and clear boundaries in any relationship.”
“Not only were you not comfortable with him f**king other people, you also were upset because he seemingly wasn’t going to tell you anyway. He’s being a bit dishonest at best and manipulative at worst.”
“You can tell him very clearly, ‘I do not want an open relationship.’ End of story. And then you break up with him and find yourself a partner who doesn’t get paid to have sex with other people on camera.” – Low-Way557
“Reading this and thinking about every woman with an Only Fans that moans about men not wanting to have anything to do with them.”
“Look, I think he concealed it because he knew he would get this reaction. If it’s too much for you to take that’s fine, be honest about it to yourself and move on.”
“You don’t have to judge it by his standard for your opinion to be valid. I’d say that concealing that he’s an Adult Film actor is significant, and potentially embarrassing for you (particularly as your friends were the ones to break the news to you).”
“Dump him and move on.” – OwnCarpet717
“NTA. He should have been honest with you about it. If he had been, you could have made an informed decision. Though I’m fairly sure this was his big secret, so why waste time worrying about what other things he might be hiding. If he ended this career before he met you, then the judgment might be different.”
“There ought to be no shame in being a sex worker, but the existence of such shame does not excuse his failure to disclose.” – Curious-One4595
“Someone working in adult films (unless it’s solo performances…and even then okay to have concerns) without their partner knowing is cheating with whatever men or women they’re working with.”
“It may be work, there may be no emotional content, but there’s still engaging in sexual activities with other people while in an exclusive non-open relationship which is cheating. It’s fine to have that relationship, but there has to be honesty so that there’s a choice.”
“Also, how is OP being ‘hypocritical’? Unless she’s doing explicit videos online for money, what hypocrisy is there? Or did he stop doing the films once he was in the relationship with you (doesn’t sound like he did, from your description) and it’s past pre-relationship behavior just like yours?” – epeelist42
“NTA. Being in the sex industry is something you need to tell your partner fairly early on in the relationship. I’m going to say before month one of the relationship but for sure before you have sex with them.”
“Being a sex worker is hard and will affect your relationships, especially romantic ones. That’s the bed you made. You really don’t get to have your cake and eat it too on this one.”
“And I’m confused by the hypocrite comment. Are you also hiding the fact that you have a secret job? If not, not a hypocrite.” – SockMaster9273
No one in the comments was there to judge the boyfriend for the work he was doing, but what they were judging him for was not being honest with his romantic partner about what he was doing.
Some people would immediately see this as a deal breaker, while others might try to make the relationship work. The difference is that they deserve the information they need to make the decision themselves, which the OP’s ex-boyfriend was withholding from her.