There’s such a hurtful and empty feeling that fills the pit of our stomachs when we realize that we have a loved one, whether a friend or a family member, who will never be happy for us, whether it’s our birthday or a major milestone moment in our lives.
But this hurt is even worse when the disinterest comes from a romantic partner, cringed the members of the “Am I Overreacting?” (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Ok_Environment9440 had been dating a guy for a long time, and for their last few birthdays, they had terrible experiences with their boyfriend, who ruined the experience for them.
When he ruined yet another birthday for them, the Original Poster (OP) realized it might be time to move on and have their celebrations as a single person.
They asked the sub:
“Am I overreacting for wanting to leave my boyfriend after he ruined my birthday again?”
The OP’s boyfriend was developing a terrible habit of ruining their birthdays every year.
“My boyfriend has ruined my birthday two years in a row, and I honestly don’t know if I’m overreacting by thinking about leaving. Or if I’m acting selfish.”
“Last year, we got into a big fight on my birthday. It ended with him telling me I was selfish for wanting the day to be about me, that I couldn’t stand when attention wasn’t on me, and that it was my fault my birthday was ruined.”
“I had only told him he was starting to act a little too drunk and was embarrassing himself, but the situation escalated quickly.”
“We were both drinking, so I apologized, tried to move past it, and chalked the whole thing up to alcohol.”
This year, the OP tried to plan a birthday celebration that they would both enjoy.
“This year, I planned something I thought we’d both enjoy. I booked a three-story arcade with go karts, axe-throwing, an indoor adventure park, and mini golf.”
“I stayed away from bars or clubs because he often says he’s not a fun guy or party person when I suggest he go to those places with me, and I didn’t want him to feel out of place.”
“I wanted it to be something lighthearted and enjoyable for both of us. He had been in a great mood all day, even bought himself something earlier that day for an early Black Friday deal, but the second I finished getting ready, everything changed.”
“He barely said anything, mumbled a ‘you look nice,’ and his mood just shifted.”
“At the arcade, he barely talked or participated, and I kept trying to keep things fun, but he just wasn’t into it. While we were waiting for the go-karts, he told me he didn’t want to ruin my day, but he wasn’t having fun, wasn’t enjoying himself, and was hungry. He also had that other places we went to were better than this.”
“I started feeling anxious and told him I didn’t know what to do, which he pointed out wasn’t his fault if I felt like that. We ended up leaving early.”
“I offered to go to another place that had food and looked like it could be a mix of what we both liked, but he said if we went there, he wouldn’t talk because it wasn’t somewhere he would enjoy. So we just went home. He didn’t even end up getting the food he said he wanted so badly.”
The OP realized there was no winning with their boyfriend.
“When we got home, things just escalated in the worst way. I asked again why he hadn’t enjoyed himself.”
“He said, ‘I’m not a fun person. I’m not a party person like you,’ as if I had taken him to a club instead of an arcade.”
“That really hurt, because I had planned this night specifically so he wouldn’t say that. I wanted something lowkey that we could both enjoy.”
“I told him it didn’t make sense, and that’s when he said the real reason was that he wasn’t happy with his life. He was sad and couldn’t fake it at the arcade.”
“I know it might sound selfish, but it felt like I was being punished for trying. No matter what I did to make things enjoyable for both of us, he just wouldn’t be happy. He couldn’t even try to act happy for one night for my sake. And what makes it more confusing is that he’d been in such a good mood all day before this happened.”
“I do understand depression. I’ve dealt with it myself for a long time, and I know how overwhelming it can feel. But in that moment, it felt like he was using it to shift the focus away from how the night actually went.”
“Every explanation he gave somehow turned the situation back onto me. I told him that I understood what he was going through and that his feelings were valid, but I was still hurt by how he acted throughout the night because he didn’t show up when I needed him to.”
“I said I needed to go downstairs for some space, and that we could talk about his feelings the next day when things had calmed down. Instead of just letting me go downstairs, he followed me downstairs and started yelling.”
“He said that I was acting spoiled, that I was acting like a 15-year-old child, and that I was making everything about me that most people don’t even get to celebrate birthdays, and then he stormed out of the house and drove off.”
The OP’s boyfriend spun the problem back on them.
“The next day, when I brought it up again and gave him a chance to apologize for storming out of the house and not telling me where he was going, it turned into a conversation about how I don’t understand his feelings and how I don’t validate them.”
“Before I could speak, he even said that if I told him I understood his feelings, he might leave me. He did apologize, but then turned it back on me in the same breath, saying I make him feel like he can’t talk to me.”
“It left me feeling confused and guilty, like maybe I really don’t understand him, even though I’ve tried so hard to get him to open up to me. I’ve begged him before to talk to me about what’s going on in his life, especially when I could tell something was happening at work. But every time I asked, he’d shut me down immediately.”
“The conversation then turned into him again calling me selfish and spoiled because one out of the three times I was celebrating (with family and friends the next weekend) turned out bad, even though it turned out bad because of him. So it just felt like I couldn’t win either way. Like I wasn’t doing anything right. I just left the whole conversation feeling awful.”
The OP felt perplexed and divided over what to do next.
“I want to emphasize he isn’t an awful guy. He did try to make it up to me a couple of days later with dinner and gifts, but I can’t shake how everything played out. I know that his feelings are important and valid too.”
“But I just wanted one day to feel special without being made to feel selfish. I work two jobs while I’m in college, and my birthday is one of the only days all year when I can dress up, feel pretty, and actually enjoy myself.”
“Now I don’t even want to celebrate my birthday anymore with family or friends. And I feel bad that I don’t really care about the gifts he got me. I honestly don’t think I’ve ever been this confused about a relationship before, and I really need help understanding what’s going on.”
“Am I overreacting or an a**hole for thinking about leaving him? Was I acting selfish? I’m open to honest criticism.”
“AIO?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You’re Overreacting
Some sympathized with the OP and shared their similar experiences.
“I had a partner who found a way to ruin every special occasion. He wasn’t battling depression. And the next partner, who was battling depression, did not ruin my special days.”
“It’s not the depression. This guy doesn’t really like you, I hate to say it. It’s him that can’t stand not being the center of attention on other people’s special days.” – motherofachimp99
“NOR. I married a man like this. Every occasion was a letdown because of his attitude. Eventually, we didn’t celebrate almost anything because he did stuff your boyfriend did.”
“Get out. He will ruin everything and make you feel like it’s on you.” – Final_Onion_5919
“My ex would hype me up the night before my birthdays and ruin it at the crack of dawn, THEN try to make it up, and THEN would be mad because I wasn’t fawning over his lame attempts to make it up.”
“My husband, who has battled depression his whole life, has NEVER ruined a single good achievement/birthday/milestone in my life.”
“My ex went on to do the same to his new wife.”
“And by the way, OP, you ARE worthy of being celebrated.” – Alarming_Pen_7657
“I married a man like this, and it only got worse year after year.”
“He made the holidays brutal. He was unhappy, so we all had to be unhappy. I got sooo tired of spending every Christmas trying to make magic for our kids, while he sat like a sullen gray cloud just raining on us for daring to try to have fun.”
“During our last year, I had nothing. I couldn’t even find it in myself to put the Christmas tree up or wrap presents. I just lay in bed, sad. Four days later, I told him I wanted a divorce and haven’t looked back since.” – Awkwardblerd
“He keeps saying that she doesn’t understand him, and that that is the problem. But why does she need to cater to his feelings on her birthday, instead of him catering to hers?”
“It sounds like he is the one who feels like everything needs to be about him, not her, when she just wants one day a year to feel special, to do something nice with her partner, or for him to be nice to her.”
“That’s just sad. And yes, I have been exactly there.” – My_Lovely_Me
Others reassured the OP that they were NOR and encouraged them to leave ASAP.
“The giveaway is that he blew up and started yelling, blamed OP, called her selfish, said she was acting like a 15-year-old, and stomped off, saying most people don’t even get to celebrate birthdays (and where the h**l did he get that idea, anyway?).”
“Projection at its finest. He just can’t stand for a day to be about her instead of him.”
“OP, he’s a narcissistic jerk. You’re not the selfish one; HE IS. Someone ruining your birthday once could be unintentional, but ruining a special occasion for you every time it comes up is a pattern.”
“Ruining a special occasion, getting mad, blaming it all on you, and name-calling? Those are the actions of an abuser who thinks it should be All About Him, All the Time.” – TheRealCarpeFelis
“It’s clear as day that this guy is a narcissist, trying to tear her down and doesn’t give a f**k about her feelings, only his matter. Only the fact that she did blah blah blah when she never did a d**n thing, and he knows it.”
“He’s projecting big time, only says that she’s the one that needs all the attention because he knows that it’s him. He also knows it’s her birthday. It’s supposed to be about her, and he’s just a jacka**.”
“Honestly, I wonder how old he is because he’s acting like he’s 15 when he’s probably in his 30s, but no woman his age would actually want him because of his a**hole behavior. He acts worse than most of the senior citizens. I have to deal with on a daily basis, and some of them are entitled pieces of s**t.” – Particular_Cycle9667
“Classic Narcissist. Has to ruin your occasion because he’s not the center of attention. Run!!” – KindnessRule
“OP, he’s sabotaging your every special occasion, because it’s not about him. Ruining it because he doesn’t want her to have her day. It’s 100% purposeful.”
“My ex did this, too. He ruined every birthday, every holiday. Made me and the kids miserable. He hated seeing me happy. I had a little radio in the kitchen that I would turn on when I would cook or clean. He would come and turn my music off or just down so low I couldn’t hear it. In the car, he would change the channel if I liked the song that was playing.”
“I started the divorce process after he made me cry two years in a row on my birthday. Total narcissist behavior.” – DizzyLeadership2317
“NOR. The fact that you plan your birthday to do something he would enjoy is proof that you are not selfish. He should be the one who makes things about you on your birthday.”
“I had a partner with depression, too, and never ruined my special days, he never made big plans or anything big, but he put all the effort to make me happy in his capacity at the moment, and I don’t think your boyfriend would do that for you.”
“Maybe this is not the relationship for you if you feel this confused and your feelings are not taken into account.” – unic48484
After receiving feedback, the OP edited the post to include a brief update.
“Wow, I wasn’t expecting this much engagement on my post, and I really appreciate everyone who took the time to comment. Reading all of your perspectives has been overwhelming but also very eye-opening.”
“I genuinely hoped I was just being selfish or misreading the situation, but hearing so many consistent experiences and warnings has given me a lot to think about.”
“We do live together, so it makes everything more complicated, but leaving is something I know I need to do, and I’m going to take the steps I need to in order to protect my peace.”
“Thank you to everyone who shared advice, experiences, and support. It truly means more than you know.”
Then the OP shared a full update in the comments section.
“Here is the update for those who are asking: I haven’t told him I’m leaving yet because I need to make arrangements, get my things out, and find a new place to stay.”
“I also don’t want him to react badly or try to pressure me into staying. I want to make sure I’m in a stable and safe position to leave before saying anything. Everything is still really new, and I’m taking things one step at a time.”
“I am celebrating my birthday with my friends this weekend. We are going out for karaoke, and he is not invited.”
“He wouldn’t want to come even if he was invited, unfortunately, as it’s not something he’d be interested in. He’s also not the type to show up, but he is the type to start a fight. So I’m getting ready at a friend’s place and staying the night there to prevent that from happening and to make sure he doesn’t get the chance.”
“He does not get another opportunity to ruin this for me.”
“I will also be looking into the books and websites you guys have sent me.”
“That is all the update I can give for now. Thank you again.”
It was clear to the subReddit that the OP was not in a relationship with someone who would be happy for her, whether it was her birthday or some other special occasion that deserves to be celebrated.
If the OP wanted to be with someone who would show her love and celebrate her, she seemed to be making the right move by making plans to move on.