Content Warning: Sexual Abuse, Victim Blaming
Countless tasks and decisions go into planning a wedding, and some of them can be really difficult to decide.
But one of the worst ones is deciding whether or not to invite a family member because of their history of bad behavior and boundary-breaking, cringed the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor JumpyThrowRA had been abused since she was a child by her cousin, who had a developmental disability because her family always excused his behavior.
But when he refused to accept that she was marrying anyone besides him, the Original Poster (OP) considered not inviting him to her wedding.
She asked the sub:
“AITAH for not wanting my disabled cousin at my wedding?”
The OP had felt uncomfortable around her cousin for years.
“I (26 Female) am getting married soon to my amazing fiancé, Liam (30 Male).”
“I’m struggling with whether or not to invite my cousin, Tom (29 Male). Tom has a developmental disability, and while he’s almost 30, he has the intellectual capacity of about a seven-year-old.”
“I’ve always tried to be patient and understanding, but he has consistently crossed physical boundaries with me in ways that make me really uncomfortable.”
“I have always been an early bloomer, and I have a much larger-than-average chest, and because of all the sports I did in high school, and that I continue to do to this day, I would like to say I look good. I only say this because it’s the main reason my family uses to justify Tom’s behavior.”
“Over the years, Tom has touched my chest and butt quite a few times. He’s also hugged me tight and tried to kiss me, and even though I immediately told him to stop each time, it never seems to stick.”
“He also tells all of his caretakers, nurses, and live-in caregivers that I’m his girlfriend. He also doesn’t like Liam because he insists Liam isn’t my fiancé or boyfriend because HE, Tom, is my boyfriend. Tom also talks about how he will marry me. It kind of feels like when a little kid tells their parent they’re going to marry them, but it’s still very uncomfortable.”
The OP’s family insisted that she was being overly sensitive about Tom’s behavior.
“I’ve brought it up with my family, but they always downplay it, saying Tom ‘doesn’t understand’ and that he’s just ‘showing affection.'”
“The excuse used most often is, ‘He’s a little boy in a man’s body, and you’re a conventionally attractive woman.'”
“When I told my mom how uncomfortable it makes me, she said I probably ‘entertained’ his behavior too much and that he’s harmless.”
“She insists I should just be firm, but any time I’ve tried, the family accuses me of being mean to him.”
“Mean” or not, the OP didn’t want to worry about Tom on her wedding day.
“With my wedding coming up, I want the day to be relaxed and special without constantly worrying about Tom overstepping boundaries. I especially don’t want him touching me, trying to kiss me, or potentially throwing a fit over ‘marrying someone else.'”
“When I told my family that I was considering not inviting him, they were outraged.”
“They said I was being unfair, cruel, and that he’d be devastated not to come.”
“My mom even said it would ‘ruin his day’ and make it obvious that he’s different, which she thinks is heartless.”
The OP felt conflicted.
“I get that Tom can’t help certain behaviors, but I feel like my family has completely ignored my feelings in this. They always brush off my discomfort and say it’s my responsibility to manage it or that he ‘doesn’t know any better,’ but it’s my wedding, and I don’t want to be on edge the whole time.”
“Liam says I have every right not to invite him, especially because of how he treats both of us like our relationship isn’t real.”
“Still, I wonder if I’m being too harsh or unkind since Tom isn’t fully aware of boundaries and doesn’t really know what he’s doing is bad or harmful, especially because his parents and other family members encourage it.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some were grossed out by how the family enabled Tom’s behavior.
“It’s interesting that your mum thinks you ‘entertained’ his behavior. It sounds like the family are justifying allowing his impropriety by suggesting that you actually like it.”
“Refusing to have him at your wedding would go a long way to making it clear that you don’t like it or appreciate it and will publicly remove that excuse for their lack of action.”
“Any chance you’re having a child-free wedding? Because their excuse that he’s basically just a child would mesh nicely with that.” – Historical_Heron4801
“I also want to make clear that seven-year-olds are very much expected to understand that touching others without consent is wrong and has consequences.”
“Your family is very much in the wrong for enabling this bulls**t. Does Tom have a social worker? Someone outside your family needs to know he had this pattern of behavior so there is a record of when he does it to someone else.”
“There is no need to have contact with an abuser again.” – Puzzleheaded-Ad7606
“NTA. If he is ‘a little boy in a man’s body,’ there should be no problem finding someone to look after him. The fact they say you probably ‘entertain’ him and that this would ‘ruin his day’ is a hill I would die on. It’s not ‘his day,’ and they have been enabling this behavior for too long.”
“If he can’t help his behavior because of his disability, he should have a caretaker that looks after him, and he shouldn’t be allowed anywhere near you.” – Rude-Conclusion-2995
“I can very easily see this person causing a scene. He’s old enough to know what a wedding is. I can see him getting violent and physical trying to get into the groom’s place because he now thinks it’s ‘his wedding’ with (cringe) ‘his bride.'”
“Just because OP wasn’t allowed to set boundaries before, doesn’t mean she can’t start now.”
– Andravisia
“Your family only ‘doesn’t like’ your fiancé because he protected you, what they failed to do.”
“Your cousin’s behavior is absolutely inappropriate. Even with disability, you don’t let someone do those things to someone. And not a little girl!”
“Your parents failed to protect you! Time to go low contact with anyone who could consider that your cousin must be part of your life. What would they let him do to your own children?”
“At this point, I wouldn’t invite your family, and I’d go low or no contact with the lot of them. They’ve enabled your cousin and they got mad at your fiancé for preventing it. Throw the whole family away.” – Lyzab77
Others reassured the OP that she shouldn’t invite Tom to her wedding, for many reasons.
“I would say, ‘He’s either an adult who can understand inappropriate touching is wrong, or he’s a child in a man’s body and is cognitively too young to be included in a child-free wedding. Either way, he’s not invited.'” – CanadaHaz
“OP might want to point out that subjecting Tom to see them getting married might provoke an outburst because in his mind he should be the one marrying her. You don’t want to hurt his feelings or ruin your wedding.” – Che2ncs
“Either he’s an adult man and a sicko you don’t want around your special day, or he’s a little boy who isn’t invited like the rest of the kids! They are welcome to choose whatever reason they like best, but either way, he’s not invited.”
“Please hire security and provide them with a photo of him specifically. If you get bullied into letting him attend (please don’t), you should ask for someone to watch him specifically and remove him at the first sign of disturbance.” – Bulky-Row-9313
“If it’s really important to have these people there may I suggest spinning this as being for Tom’s benefit? There’s no way he would be comfortable at the wedding of ‘his girlfriend marrying another man.’ Being there would ‘ruin his day,’ and if they love him, they’d never ask him to sit there and ‘watch the woman he loves’ marry another man.”
“And then deal with the real problem after the wedding, which may very well involve going low contact.”
“Again, only a suggestion if having everyone else at your wedding is important to you. If it’s not and you would be happy to cut them out go. for. it. I’m not trying to convince you one way or the other, this isn’t a one-size-fits-all situation.”
“I HATE when people talk about how cruel it is to exclude individuals like OP’s cousin. It rarely is about the person. It’s always some bulls**t because nine times out of ten, it would be H**L for that individual to be included.”
“Stimming, screaming, tantrums, and crying do not happen because they are enjoying themselves. Everyone is so focused on ‘inclusivity’ that they can’t be f**ked to ask if it’s actually in the best interest of the person they’re ‘fighting for.’ Spoiler Alert: It rarely is.” – llamadramalover
“Given that your family never taught him boundaries, the possibility your cousin will attack you at the wedding is very high. It’s obvious he feels entitled to acting on his impulses (and let’s be real, those are sexual impulses!), and seeing you kiss your husband could trigger him with disastrous results.”
“In fact, he could attack you whenever your husband shows you affection, or when you’re pregnant, or even when you’re holding your baby… all because he’s never been taught what he’s doing is wrong.”
“Congratulations on your upcoming marriage!” – FlexAfterDark69
The subReddit was disturbed on the OP’s behalf, and they not only understood why she wouldn’t want her cousin at her wedding, but they even entertained the idea of not inviting her family at all.
After a lifetime of supporting an abuser over a victim, the last thing anyone would want is for the same dynamic to play out on their wedding day.