We’ve all heard stories of how wedding planning can change a person or reveal the person they’ve really been all along.
This seems to be especially true of brides, side-eyed the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor VioletsAndLily had shrugged it off when her friend wanted to get a professional photographer instead of her, a hobbyist, to take photos at her wedding.
But when the bride later gave her the ultimatum of taking photos for the day or not attending at all, the Original Poster (OP) had some serious questions about their friendship.
She asked the sub:
“AITA for taking back my offer to help with my friend’s wedding?”
The OP was excited about her friend’s engagement.
“Last year, my friend Jess (35 Female) finally got engaged to the man she’s been dating for the past 15 years.”
“We live in a high-cost-of-living city, and Jess’ finances have always been very tight. Her wedding budget was $5000.”
“It was workable since she worked in catering and has connections, and her fiancé’s family had a house with a big yard.”
The OP tried to help Jess out.
“I offered to take pictures for free. I’m an amateur photographer with the basic gear and a background in photojournalism.”
“I’m not going to be hired to shoot for Martha Stewart Weddings, but I would have provided some nice pictures.”
“Jess turned me down, citing my lack of a wedding portfolio.”
“I thought that maybe she or her fiancé had access to someone with more experience, and I ignored her unusually snotty tone when she said thanks but no thanks.”
But then Jess tried to change her tune.
“Fast-forward to last Thursday. Jess called me in tears because she did not have a photographer.”
“Neither she nor her fiancé knew anyone else, and she didn’t want to count on guests’ camera photos.”
“She asked if I can take pictures.”
Then Jess really showed off her true feelings.
“I was more than happy to do so at the wedding and reception, but she wanted me to shoot the whole day: her getting ready, traveling to the venue, the wedding ceremony, and her and her fiancé leaving the reception.”
“I said I had other commitments that morning, but reiterated that I could show up an hour before the wedding to get some before shots and take photos at the ceremony and reception, including the usual posed photos (family, wedding party, etc).”
“She said I could either take photos for the entire day or not bother even coming to the wedding as a guest.”
“She got married this past Saturday. I wasn’t there.”
“AITA?”
The OP also mentioned her friendship in a comment.
“This is honestly the one moment of a**holery in all of our years of friendship.”
“You know how stuff like this usually happens, and when you think back you realize, ‘Oh, yeah: there was also that time… and that time, too.’ There isn’t any of that in our history.”
“Until now, she’s been a thoughtful, kind, and good friend, so it’s easy to think the stress might have gotten to her.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some thought the bride was incredibly inconsiderate and rude.
“NTA. She just wanted to use you as a last resort. She didn’t consider your feelings or life at all. I don’t think Jess is a friend to you.” – ahdrielle
“I don’t think there even was another photographer, the bride probably planned on doing this all along to get free ’emergency’ photography from someone who had spent time and money investing in it.”
“Reddit may have skewed my viewpoint, though. NTA.” – opinionswelcomehere
“My hubby told me 3 months prior to our wedding date that he wanted a wedding and not to elope. He also picked the wedding date so his family from out of state could be there. We planned an amazing low-key informal wedding in 3 months.”
“The photographer, the invitations, and my dress were the first 3 things we did for the wedding. And we completed that within 48 hours of him asking if we could please have a wedding.”
“I’d already had a wedding. I didn’t want one at all. I didn’t want to be the center of attention. I didn’t want the stress. I did it for him. And I am so glad I did because I would have regretted not giving him that day for the rest of our marriage.”
“My photographer was more expensive than pretty much anything… but we booked her way in advance. And she was a friend. And we paid her more than she asked. Because you support friends’ art.”
“This bridezilla needs a reality check.” – serpents_and_sass
“Let me see if I understand this correctly. So you offered to do her whole wedding for free and she said no, only to call last minute and demand you come and work a full day.”
“Worst yet when you offer to do your best, she rescinds the invitation to the wedding because your insanely FREE offer isn’t good enough?”
“Yeah, this isn’t an AITA question, this is a ‘Why the f**k was this person considered a friend to begin with’ question. NTA and please get better friends, you seem like you deserve some great ones.” – themillfloss
“You’re the only one who can decide how important it is to keep her in your life.”
“If it were me and we were really good friends, I’d give her a couple of weeks and reach out for lunch. Talk about what happened and how it hurt you, and what’s worse is that because of it, you didn’t get to share that day with her. See how she responds.”
“But she owes you a huge apology. She might come to her senses and reach out and she might not. Or she might be too ashamed to reach out.”
“But again, it’s really up to you how much you want to put into salvaging the friendship. You’re certainly NTA and you’re the one who’s been wronged here.” – dougan25
Others were glad that the OP stood up for herself.
“NTA. You know now where you stand. Do the whole day for free or not at all. Wow.”
“Congratulations for standing up for yourself. Just think of the lack of gratitude and criticism of the pictures you would have taken. You dodged a bullet. I’m so sorry.” – This_Cauliflower1986
“Huge bullet dodged. Sounds like this was a pretty poorly organized event given that the bride was scrambling for something as important as a photographer last minute.”
“Bet there were similar problems with the food and drinks given the low budget and poor planning.”
“OP saved herself time and gift money by not going to this miserable wedding!” – starchy2ber
“NTA. She is not a friend to you. You deserve to surround yourself with people who treat you better.” – EntertainmentDue2240
“‘Spend the entire day bending over backward for me, or you can’t spend only part of the day bending over backward for me!'”
“This was no friend at all. OP offered a great kindness to Jess. She turned her nose up at the offer and then came back to OP at the last minute when she realized that a professional wedding photographer would eat up most of her $5k budget.”
“Jess treated OP like ‘the help’ and clearly didn’t value her friendship or having OP celebrate the day with her. I am almost certain that had OP done the photos, this would not have been a fun experience.” – Electrical-Date-3951
“OP, the rudeness of the bride knows no bounds. She is the only graceless person I see in this post. She is a user extraordinaire!”
“First, let’s insult a friend’s offer, then when lack of planning on bridezilla’s part leads to a crisis she Is baaaack. When told there were parameters, but photos would be taken, the BRIDEZILLA doubles down with …. My way or don’t even come as a guest.”
“OP, move on. This woman is not really your friend. Your relationship with her might seem different when examined in a new light.”
“BEST OF IT ALL, OP.” – No-Net8938
“Yeah, um, where is the ‘friend’ part of this friendship? She called as a last-minute substitution and then when she couldn’t have everything her way, she told OP not to even come.”
“That part that blasted me was, ‘She said I could either take photos for the entire day or not bother even coming to the wedding as a guest.’ She was acting like she was doing OP a favor or something. This isn’t a friendship.”
“Here’s betting she calls and blames OP for not having photos or good photos now too.” – IgnotusPeverill
The subReddit was collectively shaking its head at the friend who not only could have worked with the OP from the beginning, whether or not she was a professional photographer, but who also treated her friend of five years like she was totally disposable and not worth inviting to her wedding.
Hopefully, the bride would wake up from the fever dream that was wedding planning, and she’d realize that she had thrown a friendship away with the thrown out wedding decorations.