Content Warning: Grief, Parent Death
Grieving is an incredibly messy process, and it can cause people to do some strange, unexplainable things they would usually never do.
But grieving would not excuse them from their bad behavior, pointed out the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
The Redditor, who has since deleted her account, was excitedly preparing for her wedding day when her future sister-in-law asked if she could attend her wedding while wearing the sister-in-law’s late mother’s wedding dress.
When the family sided against the Original Poster (OP) and expected her to respect her sister-in-law’s grieving process, she wasn’t sure what to do.
She asked the sub:
“AITAH for refusing to let my brother’s fiancée wear her late mother’s wedding dress at my wedding?”
The OP’s future sister-in-law (SIL) recently experienced a terrible loss.
“I (28 Female) am getting married in two months, and I’ve planned every detail down to the last flower petal. It’s my dream wedding, and I’ve been saving and planning for years.”
“Here’s where things get tricky. My younger brother (26 Male) is engaged to his fiancée, Emma (24 Female), and she recently lost her mom in a tragic accident.”
“Emma and I have always gotten along fine, but we’re not super close.”
“Her mom had a very beautiful, expensive wedding dress that Emma inherited, and it means a lot to her.”
The OP was surprised by a request her sister-in-law (SIL) made of her.
“A few days ago, Emma came to me in tears asking if she could wear her late mom’s wedding dress to my wedding as a guest.”
“I was shocked because this felt… off? I totally understand that she wants to honor her mom, but I just feel like a wedding dress at someone else’s wedding is not the time or place, especially since she knows I have a very specific theme, color palette, and vibe for my day.”
“I told her gently that I didn’t think it was appropriate, and she started crying, saying it was the only way she felt her mom could be with her during a major family event.”
“She said she’d never get to see her mom at her own wedding, and wearing the dress felt like a way to keep that connection.”
“I felt for her, but I held firm that my wedding wasn’t the right time for that.”
The family was against the OP’s set boundaries.
“Well, now my brother is furious with me, saying I’m heartless and selfish, and a bunch of family members have started to take sides.”
“Some say Emma’s request is deeply sentimental and that I’m being too rigid about ‘wedding rules,’ while others agree that it’s weird for a guest to wear a wedding dress at someone else’s wedding.”
“Emma hasn’t spoken to me since, and my brother says they’re considering not coming to the wedding at all unless I change my mind.”
“My fiancé is supportive of me, but I’m starting to feel guilty because I know this is tied to grief, and I don’t want to be the bad guy.”
“AITAH for refusing to let her wear her late mother’s wedding dress to my wedding?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some felt the obvious solution was for the SIL to wear the dress at her own wedding.
“I don’t understand why she doesn’t wear it to her own wedding. Why would she wear it as a guest to someone else’s wedding?” – Flashy_Confusion0226
“She should wear the dress in the most significant event where her mother won’t be, her wedding.”
“Would Emma’s mother even have been invited to OP’s wedding? And even if she was, would she have worn a wedding dress there? Of course not.”
“OP is NTA. No one should wear a wedding dress to a wedding except the bride (or unless the bride specifically asks you to).” – RitalinNZ
“I don’t think it’s super common for the in-laws of a sibling to be invited to weddings, unless they’re already close family friends.”
“But if Emma wants some sort of reminder of her mother there, then is there not a piece of jewelry she could wear? Or failing that carry a small photo.”
“Really, Emma is the only one who needs to know that her mother is with her in some way and that can be accomplished with something small. Wearing the wedding dress just seems performative grief rather than genuine.” – Duhallower
“Emma has somewhat lost the plot as to WHEN wearing a wedding gown is appropriate and WHY she should want to save it for her wedding day.”
“Please let your brother know how much you genuinely care about Emma and how much you want them both at your wedding.”
“She hasn’t processed her mom’s death at this point. She’s still so raw and unsteady that grief is coming out as an overreaction to a situation that isn’t even about her. Your brother is the best person to gently guide her to a therapist or counselor who can help her sort through all the emotions she’s experiencing. With a bit of help, she’ll realize she wasn’t thinking clearly about the gown and your wedding.”
“Wishing you and Emma all the best.” – GreenEyedPhotographer
“That’s not trauma! Trauma would look more like getting into a fight with her fiance and bridal party because they suggested that she maybe try on more modern dresses when she’s committed to wearing HER mom’s wedding dress to her wedding. Or wearing the dress everywhere like to work.”
“It’s not as if she doesn’t have a place coming up to wear it.”
“It’s so interesting how her trauma is selective and can decide it only switches on for OP’s wedding.”
“If I ran around telling people “I feel really sad and I’m grieving and the only thing that will soothe me is to ruin something of yours or take something from you” then weeping and wailing I’d be 51/50’d.” – cakivalue
Others empathized with the SIL but felt she needed help beyond the OP’s wedding day.
“I understand how she feels. I lost my best friend of 40 years this month. It is so painful, it’s hard to imagine anyone else has ever felt like this. But it’s not unique to me or the the sister-in-law. My friend had a large aneurysm for years; she was 72, and they couldn’t operate, but it was a horrible shock. I keep thinking, she can’t be gone, it’s not possible…”
“But if there were a special event right now, I know I couldn’t impose my grief onto that event. My friend wouldn’t want that anyway; she’d want everyone to be happy. I’m sure SIL’s mom would want the same. SIL just needs a way to process her grief, and attending the OP’s wedding isn’t it.” – Bluefoot44
“I totally get her pain and understand grief can be weird, but she’s also 24 and OP’s brother is 26 and they’re (him especially!) just not thinking very clearly about what is appropriate.”
“I don’t know exactly how I would try to get through to her about it, but I would definitely have a word with my brother about not supporting his fiancée properly. She needs more support than a handful of unsuspecting wedding guests are prepared to provide.”
“Maybe a gentle reminder to the brother that some well-meaning but uninformed vigilante might try to ruin the dress would be good food for thought.” – theFCCgavemeHPV
“OP, use this exact post as your guide.”
“Talk to your brother and gently point out that his fiancee needs grief counseling because her thinking is disordered if she thinks this is appropriate.”
“What does she do to feel close to her mother in her day-to-day life? Carry a picture with her? Wear a piece of her jewelry? Wear her mother’s favorite perfume? I’m sure she doesn’t wear her mother’s wedding gown to work every day or to the supermarket. She needs to understand that wearing it to someone else’s wedding is grossly inappropriate, regardless of her grief.”
“Ask your brother how they would feel if you wore your gown to their wedding.”
“As sorry as I am for her losing her mother, this does feel like performative/weaponized grief.” – SamiHami24
“I lost a step-parent in a horrible accident as a young adult/late adolescent (old enough to vote, too young to drink), and the grief and trauma is too big to hold, and your brain isn’t done cooking.”
“Every day that normal life happened afterward felt like a slap. Milestone events felt like someone screaming in your face that they were gone. Everything hurts, and everything’s wrong, and there’s a compulsion to broadcast that pain and wrongness to the world.”
“How does nobody else understand that time stopped the day they died and that everything since has been a vulgar parody of existence?”
“This young woman needs a lot of therapy and grief support. If she gets to a place where she’s processed her loss, I think she’ll look back on this with relief that someone stopped her from behaving erratically during the acute phases of her loss.” – HangryIntrovert
“OP, I like the idea of her wearing a sentimental piece of jewelry. They make bouquet and boutonniere charms (Etsy maybe) that you can put a picture in. You can get one and put it on a necklace or bracelet for her so she can have it with her. The bonus being when she marries your brother, she’ll have it to add to her bouquet.”
“You need to call a family meeting and demand your brother help his fiancé rather than cater to her. She needs therapy and grief counseling, at least. Her request is odd and that he doesn’t or won’t see that for fear of hurting her is not helping her but hindering her.” – shellabell70
The subReddit was deeply puzzled by the sister-in-law’s desire to wear her late mother’s wedding dress to the OP’s wedding instead of keeping it for her own special day.
Perhaps it was displaced grief, performative grief, or a desire to be the center of attention during someone else’s special moment. Either way, wearing a wedding dress at someone else’s wedding would not be a good look.