Are siblings responsible for each other’s happiness and well-being, or is that something only parents are required to prioritize?
What if one of the siblings is disabled? Does that change the level of responsibility?
A teen turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback over her discomfort being responsible for her brother’s recreation.
FunMammoth6910 asked:
“AITA for not playing video games for my brother who has a nerve disorder and not playing games in front of him at all anymore?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“My brother (16, male) has a nerve disorder that’s gotten worse.”
“He used to like playing video games a lot, but now he can’t play video games anymore. He’s tried a bunch of adaptive controllers and assistive settings, but they don’t really work anymore.”
“So a few times he’s had me play video games for him. Basically, it’s me controlling the character, but my brother makes all the decisions for things like skill points, customization, any in game decisions, which direction to go, what quest/mission to do, and stuff like that.”
“He tried doing it with our parents too, but our mom doesn’t like violence at all, so she won’t, and our dad isn’t very good with tech stuff and every single time he needs every little thing re-explained even a lot of the times during the same game session. Then he just keeps on dying, so it doesn’t really work.”
“He enjoys it and keeps asking me to play for him more, but I (17, female) said no because it’s a very unenjoyable activity for me. There’s nothing fun about basically just being a verbal input machine for him.”
“Plus, if it’s a game I’ve played before it’s so boring and if it’s a game I haven’t played before it ruins the experience for me.”
“Also, it takes up a lot of time and makes me not like playing video games so much. I do like playing video games by myself, but I also don’t always want to be in front of a screen.”
“So, if I play games for him it takes up my mental capacity for screen time and I don’t get to play games for myself.”
“Still, he wants me to play for him because it’s his only way he sort of gets to play and feel like he is involved in the game. I kept refusing though so he started bothering me whenever I was playing video games.”
“He will come in the room and sort of back seat game by telling me what I should do or should have done which is very annoying and also ruins it for me because it’s distracting.”
“Even if he is quiet for like a minute its annoying having someone silently judge everything you do and makes me second guess everything I’m doing. Kind of like in school and a teacher just stops and stands over you and looks at what you’re writing.”
“So now I’ve started only playing games on my Steam deck or Switch, because then I can play in my bed or right against a wall so my brother can’t look over my shoulder or I can at least move away if he tries to.”
“He gets mad at me when I do this, because he said he just wants to watch me play and it’s not fair that I won’t let him when he can’t even play anymore. I told him he should just watch streamers play then, but he says it’s not the same because he doesn’t get to feel involved because they never read his comments.”
“We never really spent much time together before. I usually actually have to do a lot of stuff for him already.”
“It’s not things like dressing/bathing/and toilet stuff. It’s just like a lot of extra chore stuff.”
“Sometimes I do really just wish I could leave.”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I am refusing to play video games for my brother who physically cannot play anymore because of his disability.”
“I am also blocking him from watching me play video games even though he just wants to watch so he can feel involved in playing video games.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided there were no a**holes here (NAH).
“NAH! Hi, I work in game accessibility and I just wanted to point the way to a few charities which help people like your brother find solutions to issues like these, for free!”
“If you’re UK based, Special Effect are wonderful. If you’re in the US or Canada, AbleGamers are it. Other countries also have organisations like these, but those two are the ones I’ve encountered most often.”
“As a disabled player myself, you’re not the a**hole in the least. Backseating is irritating as hell.”
“But spending time with your sibling—who currently is cut off from a thing he loves and struggling with that isolation—is important. So maybe an hour or two a week together could work?” ~ medievalqueer
“NAH, you are perfectly fine not being comfortable with what’s being asked. Your brother is in a tough spot but it’s not your fault and if you can’t, you can’t. That’s all there is to it.”
“There are SO MANY new accessibility options and more are being created through working towards people’s particular needs all the time! From adaptive to controllers to ones you play with your mouth (quadstick) to actual actions done by voice commands, there are options.”
“It takes time and it takes patience, but these amazing charities mentioned above are SPECTACULAR. Very much worth your brother or your parents reaching out to them.” ~ Additional-Dirt4203
“I’d be willing to bet that if OP’s parents were willing to fund it, they could find another teenager who would be willing to spend a couple hours a week playing video games with OP’s brother calling the shots for minimum wage.”
“The problem is that the brother is expecting the people in his family to do what he wants, the way he wants them to do it, for free, even if they aren’t getting anything out of it. NTA.” ~ Wynfleue
“NTA, twitch has loads of streamers with 0-5 viewers, I’m sure someone would love a dedicated backseat driver.” ~ MidiReader
“I’m sure there’s plenty of people he could find on Twitch who would love someone active in their chat, and then he could maybe make new friends.” ~ Purple-Ad541
“Right? Don’t join those 2k streams if you want your messages read. There are plenty of streamers with 100-200 viewers that read and respond to EVERY. SINGLE. COMMENT. NAH.” ~ BuHoGPaD
“I was going to make this same suggestion. Follow the small streamers, not the large ones.” ~ PwnBr0k3r
“Definitely do NOT do this without asking the streamer’s permission. Most of us absolutely hate backseat gaming as it ruins the experience for us and for other viewers.” ~ nicolebandit
“NAH. I think some boundaries are needed here. I’d strongly urge you to play for him occasionally—I don’t think you’ll regret that later. Perhaps make a schedule where you play once a week for an hour.”
“That seems like a reasonable amount of family time even if you’re a little bored. Then the rest of the time you can decline without feeling bad.” ~ Disastrous-Energy-79
“NAH, but if I were you I’d look for games you guys can play together. Try to have a conversation with him about sharing the game together. Your brother is probably hurting a lot and this controlling behavior is just one way this pain is coming out.”
“Given how severe your brother’s disorder is, I think it’s worth accommodating him and trying your best to spend time with him. I know it feels annoying now, but in life you will look back wishing you could’ve had more grace.”
“Personally, I have a lot of related experience to this and can empathize with your plight because my husband and I play a lot of first person games together. And yeah it’s inevitable when I get irritated at him for missing opening a crate or picking a skill point I would never pick.”
“But spending time together playing the game is way more important than those minor things and I promise you can get there with your brother if you try.” ~ Exact_Soft61
“I agree with most of what you said. But can we please refrain from comments like ‘you’ll look back and regret this’? It’s not helpful, it’s just guilt trippy and vaguely threatening.”
“You also don’t know that. You don’t know how OP will feel in the future. Every time someone has ever said that to me, they’ve been wrong.” ~ lordmwahaha
“I come from a family where I have been guilt tripped my entire life to give in to my brother because ‘you know how he is’ and ‘can’t you just be the bigger person?’. Literal decades where everything was about him and what he wanted.”
“Holidays, family vacations, even my own birthday and wedding somehow had to be about him. When I finally set down boundaries to not be the family doormat anymore my brother stopped talking to me.”
“The only regret I have is not standing up for myself sooner, I gave everything, I made everyone happy and did what everyone else wanted and the second I needed the tiniest bit of support they turned on me because doormats give for everyone else, they don’t ask for anything.” ~ blue_pirate_flamingo
“See if your parents can find him a Community-Based Rehabilitation Services (CBRS) Worker—that kind of thing is literally their job and is paid for by most insurence.” ~ Killbillydelux
OP is in a very awkward position, but their brother’s health and welfare is her parent’s responsibility, not hers.
She’s still a 17-year-old girl.