Giving gifts often makes the giver feel just as great as the recipient.
When a person gives a special gift for a special life event it usually has a great deal of meaning.
And those gifts are often the most remembered.
What is also remembered are the times certain people get slighted by receiving nothing at all during special times.
That is a sting that sticks.
Redditor SetLongjumping5521 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
“AITA for only getting a college graduation gift for my 28 M[ale] son and not my D[aughter]-I[n]-L[aw] 28 F[emale]?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“So I’m a 55F and my son who I raised as a single mother recently graduated from grad school.”
“His wife my DIL also graduated at the same time and I gave a special gift of a bit of cash just to my son because I’m proud of him as his mother and I feel a sense of pride since I raised him as a single mom.”
“I figured my DIL had her own parents to give a gift to her.”
“Well my DIL texted me saying she was very hurt that I only acknowledged my son (her husband’s grad) and not hers as she thought she was a part of the family as my DIL and they had been together for a while.”
“She said she didn’t expect the same amount of money of course but just a card or something.”
“She said she felt like I overlooked all her hard work and only saw my son’s.”
“However, I don’t feel like I need to apologize or justify my choice in wanting to reward my son individually.”
“I could be the AH for overlooking my DIL’s accomplishment and only acknowledging my son’s.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“So AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP WAS the A**hole.
“YTA. You couldn’t get her a card and flowers?”
“That’s all of $20.” ~ Sad_Strain7978
“YTA. She’s 100% right that it’s more about the gesture and thought.”
“A card would have sufficed.”
“When my husband graduated his parents bought him a car.”
“When I finished graduate school (not at the same time as him and long before we were married) they got me a grocery store orchid.”
“I was incredibly touched by them considering me.”
“Your choice to reward your son individually with money is not what’s in question here.”
“It’s your choice not to celebrate your daughter-in-law’s accomplishment that is the issue.”
‘So the fact that you typed this sentence is telling, ‘I don’t feel like I need to apologize or justify my choice in wanting to reward my son individually.'”
“It makes it clear you don’t even respect her enough to listen to her about what she’s actually getting upset about.”
“This is the equivalent of getting your son an elaborate gift for Christmas and nothing at all for your daughter-in-law and then saying ‘I don’t think I need to apologize or explain why I wanted to get my son a gift.'”
“She’s asking you to apologize and/or explain why you completely ignored her accomplishment.”
“Not to get defensive about your right to celebrate your son’s accomplishment.”
“No one is questioning you getting your son an individual gift, she’s simply pointing out that it was thoughtless and a bit rude to do nothing to acknowledge her accomplishments too.”
“You clearly saw graduation as something to honor and celebrate and trying to justify it by saying you were a single mom and she has her own parents is problematic especially if her parents have been welcoming to your son (which they potentially have).”
“Neither of their graduations from graduate school are primarily about you.’
“Both of them put in the hard work.”
“Both of them are your family.’
“Obviously, you might do more for a son than a daughter-in-law, but celebrating one and completely ignoring the accomplishments of the other is not great.”
“And it’s a little worrisome that you tried to imply the reason you want to honor your son’s accomplishments more is because you see them as an extension of your own, it’s giving the main character energy.”
“This is one of those situations where you’re telling your daughter-in-law that you don’t actually consider her family at all, which may seem small, but has some longer-term impacts if she and your son do stay married for many years.”
“Even if you’re purely as selfish as you came across here with this one post, there will probably come a point where she won’t consider you to be family either after smaller incidents like this happen repeatedly and, if they have children or you ever need elder care, expect to lose out.” ~ KelpieMane
“This. And there’s a poster that summed it up perfectly.”
“This is your son’s wife.”
“She achieved the same goal as he did, at the same time he did, and you can’t even say ‘Congratulations I’m so proud of you?'”
“It would have been fine to give her a card, or (as I might have done) a small gift.”
“But this nothingness is hurtful.”
“YTA. Do better Mom.” ~ Princess-She-ra
“Plus the gift was cash.”
“OP could have just said, ‘You both should treat yourselves to something nice.’”
“It’s not like she bought him a thoughtful unique personal gift.
“In that case, a card or any acknowledgment would have sufficed. YTA.” ~ ndiasSF
“YTA. A card, a bouquet of flowers, or a letter acknowledging how hard she worked would have been a minimal effort on your part and been special to her.”
“She is being honest with you, perhaps validating her feelings might be a great way to have a deeper relationship with her.” ~ Electrical_Ad7675
“YTA. You didn’t even get her a card? Harsh.”
“Well congratulations, you just bought yourself less time with your son.”
“If he’s smart, he won’t hang around often with people who don’t treat his wife right.”
“Now to be fair, you did say you were single for most of your life so you aren’t used to thinking about others.” ~ 24601moamo
“It sounds like you didn’t acknowledge her at all, not that you didn’t get her a gift.”
“If she’s been around for a few years and you’ve got an OK relationship, YTA.” ~ REDDIT
“YTA. I think it sends a message that you don’t consider your DIL as part of your family.”
“You didn’t have to get her anything expensive, even some flowers and a card.”
“But, you chose to exclude her.”
“My M[other]-I[n]-L[aw] treats me as if I’m her daughter, she doesn’t say in-law, she says daughter.”
“I’m treated the same way her sons are because to her we’re family.”
“My mum isn’t the same way, and it’s noticeable.” ~ AkraStar
“When she gifts you a grandchild, I suspect you expect to be treated as family.”
“You exclude her and see her as belonging to her family.”
“You are unapologetic and cold regardless of the fact she was honest and let you know she felt hurt.”
“You need to sit with yourself and get honest.”
“You raised him by yourself: Do you view him as yours and she is just the side piece from another family? YTA.” ~ IndependentAd2419
“YTA. ‘Having pride as a single mother for your son’s achievement’ is a very piss poor excuse to not get your DIL a card and flowers as an acknowledgment of her achievement too.”
“Honestly, you should be just as proud of her as you are of your son because she’s family too.” ~ SweetAshori
“YTA. It sounds like she’s well aware she’s not entitled to money and isn’t asking for any.”
“She’s married into your family and graduated at the exact same time as your son and you didn’t bother congratulating her.”
“You don’t have to feel bad for not giving her money but you honestly she’s not wrong for being hurt by your complete ignorance of her success as well.” ~ c0nn0rmurphy1
“YTA: And the sad part is that you’re going to be the one who ‘doesn’t understand’ when she distances herself from you in the future.”
“She’s done you a great favor by telling you why she’s upset.”
“She will be the mother of your grandchildren and your son’s wife. His family.”
“You are no longer his first priority, she is.”
“Which is why I’m sure your son is as upset by that as she is.”
“Try including her rather than excluding her if you want to maintain the relationship you say you have with your son.” ~ o2low
“Your son picked her.”
“So if you want to honor him, you’ll honor her too.”
‘Choosing to not include her is a slight she noticed and your son.”
“Whether or not he said it out loud I guarantee they talked about it.”
“You don’t come out of this with a good relationship with either of them in the long run.”
“Going to really suck if they have kids.”
“I suggest you build a much stronger relationship with your son’s wife. YTA.” ~ November-8485
“You don’t owe her anything.”
“But remember that she also doesn’t owe you anything.”
“No Mother’s Day… no Christmas or holidays with you.”
“She can spend them with her family.”
“The family that does show their support.”
‘So no, you didn’t have to give her cash… but you could have gotten her SOMETHING. YTA.” ~ Aggressive_Cup8452
“Yes, you are the AH.”
“My DIL gets the same gift that my son gets for birthdays, holidays, etc.”
“Same as my son’s boyfriend as they have been together over 4 years (although it wasn’t that way at the beginning of the relationship).”
“I consider them my kids, too.”
“I think you do need to apologize and get her a gift.”
“Don’t be one of THOSE mother-in-laws.”
“It won’t end well for you.” ~ CatsAreTheBest68
“YTA, big time!!!”
“She didn’t ask for money or a gift, she’s hurt you didn’t even acknowledge her accomplishment, but probably made a big deal about your son’s (which she probably had a big hand in by means of support, encouragement, etc, by the way).”
“Did you even congratulate her or did you just act like she sat next to you witnessing his greatness?” ~ throwhp0222
“YTA. and you are one of ‘those’ moms.”
“Next you will be whining why won’t they talk to me.”
“Yes, a card to acknowledge her hard work would’ve been the MIL thing to do but clearly you don’t like her or think of her and she got the hint.”
“Hope you don’t expect extra grandma privileges if they ever have a baby because you won’t be her first second or even 5th call trust me.” ~ CarryOk3080
“YTA. Do you not like her or something?”
“Are you jealous of her that she took your son away from you?”
“Because this is not some random fling of a girlfriend; it’s your son’s wife.”
“She is part of the family now, like it or not.”
“To only acknowledge your son’s graduation when she too graduated comes off so catty and shit stirring.”
“It’s hard to NOT see it as a deliberate hateful act against her.”
“Even if you have limited funds, an inexpensive bouquet or even just a card would have been better than what you gave her (nothing).”
“I get you are particularly happy and proud of your son, and he’s your flesh and blood that you raised so you want to reward him for his accomplishment, but good lord I don’t think he would appreciate you snubbing his own wife to do so.” ~ Stranger0nReddit
“YTA. She’s not demanding cash, just stating that she’s hurt you didn’t acknowledge her graduation as well.”
“I’m sure her parents probably acknowledged your son.”
“Your comments make it sound like you kind of don’t like your DIL.” ~ swoopingturtle
“I will gently say that that was an AH move on your part.”
“Please, I’m not yelling at you.”
“By virtue of marriage, your DIL is as much family as your son is.”
“They’re a matched pair.”
“While it’s understandable that you are immensely proud of your son and his accomplishments, you get to — yes, get to — be equally proud of her and her accomplishments.”
“And you should have shown that maternal pride to her in some way.”
“Treating her like a second-class citizen is not… well, it’s simply not right.”
“So, reluctantly and gently, I say… YTA.” ~ zyzmog
“YTA and I’d be surprised if your son isn’t hurt by this.” ~ Expensive_Run8390
OP returned with an Update…
“So my son called me over the phone and made it VERY clear that this was 100% coming from him and not my DIL.”
“He stated that he was genuinely confused as to why I didn’t just address the cash gift to both of them.”
“They have been married for a while and been together for years, and they stood by each other through their whole schooling career.”
“He said that his wife is family and she worked just as hard so he isn’t sure why she is getting overlooked in the cash gift.”
“He said,’ I figured you had something of similar value for my wife and given your close relationship with her I was very confused by that.'”
“He plans on splitting the money in half and giving half to his wife since it wasn’t just his accomplishment alone.”
Well OP, Reddit and your SON have spoken.
Hopefully, you can rectify this situation.
Everyone understands that you didn’t seem to have malicious intent, but it was a hurtful action.
It would be nice if you gave your DIL a congratulations card and an “I’m Sorry” card.
Don’t let this get out of control.
Good luck.