Education is an essential part of life.
And sometimes one has to choose between education and a whole litany of other things to be doing.
Education and studying take time.
More often than not studying will cause people to miss a few events here and there.
It’s not everybody’s ideal choice but it is a reality.
Redditor throwaway197430 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
“AITA for not attending my boyfriend’s college graduation?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“My (20 F[emale]) B[oy]F[riend] (21 M[ale]) is graduating college this Friday.”
“However, his college is over 1000 miles away from mine, and I have a final the morning of his graduation.”
“He’s really upset that I won’t be there.”
“For context on our relationship, he and I met over a year and a half ago and instantly had a connection.”
“We couldn’t stay away from each other even with the distance.”
“Over time, we’ve supported each other through a lot, including some really difficult situations on his end involving death and an injury.”
“While I always wanted to make things official, I knew he needed time to heal.”
“Over the summer we would talk all night about what he was going through then I’d get up early and go to work.”
“Eventually, he did ask me to be his G[irl]F[riend] in a really sweet way when we saw each other in person.”
“So, this situation.”
“I’m double majoring in two types of engineering, and this semester has been especially tough.”
“I should be spending the weekend studying as I need to do really well.”
“I have 5 finals total all in really difficult subjects.”
“The first one is not during finals week though.”
“It’s this Friday morning from 9–10 AM.”
“His graduation is at 2 PM.”
“All available flights take around 16 hours of total travel time.”
“There are some that are a bit less but nothing even close to only 4 hours.”
“Plus, all are upwards of $700.”
“Last night, I saw he sent me a message about how he really wanted me at his graduation.”
“I FaceTimed him hoping to talk but when he answered he looked like something was really wrong.”
“On the outside, he was telling me he knew why I couldn’t go but was still very aggressive about it and acting like it was not ok.”
“I asked if he expects me to just skip my final and he said no but kept repeating ‘that’s just reality.’”
“After going in circles with that for a while he mentioned how people at his graduation will ask where I am.”
“He said people he’s rejected will be there and will think, ‘How great can this girl be if she can’t even make the effort to go to his graduation?’”
“He also pointed out how others are going out of their way to make the drive or get on a plane to be there for him.”
“I kept saying I felt incredibly guilty and would make it up to him somehow plus watch the livestream.”
“Then he said he doesn’t care if I watch the livestream as it doesn’t mean anything because I won’t be there.”
“He said he was looking forward to sharing all the graduation traditions with me the day before and after and for me to meet everyone that’s important to him.”
“I said again I really wished I could be there and in a super annoyed tone he said ‘That’s reality but if you really wanted to be there I believe you could.’”
“I can see myself spending my life with him and really want to find a solution or a way to make it up to him.”
“We truly have had some amazing memories and share a lot of special things.”
“But he makes me feel like it’s all my fault when I can’t change anything.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“So, AITA for not attending my boyfriend’s graduation?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“Girl RUN, he is his priority, NOT YOU, and it will continue to be that way always.”
“He’s what I call a gaslighting narcissist.” ~ nerdygirl1968
“Maybe- He’s the one not being supportive.”
“You’re taking finals and he’s partying?!”
“With girls that like him?!”
“What a betrayal.”
“He should skip all of those fun things out of solidarity with you for your finals, to prove how committed he is, and how serious about the relationship he actually is.”
“You can’t make it, and he’s seriously going to do all those things anyways?! NTA.” ~ Abject_Director7626
“He very clearly thinks his education and academic achievements are more important than yours.”
“This is not an ‘If you wanted to you would’ situation.”
“You can’t just miss or reschedule an exam and as a student himself he damn well knows that isn’t a reasonable expectation.”
“Please pay close attention to his behavior now because it’s going to give you a huge glimpse into a future with him.”
“Will his career always be more important than yours?”
“Will holidays with his family be more important than holidays with yours?”
“Will you always be expected to be the one making sacrifices of compromises because he deems his priorities more important than yours? NTA.”
“Focus on prepping for your exam.”
“On a side note, double majors in 2 kinds of engineering is HUGE, so while I know you still have exams to take, congratulations on all the hard work you’ve put into this.”
“This internet stranger is proud of you.” ~ mrsprinkles3
“You are definitely NTA.”
“I would argue HE is TA, saying it’s your choice to not come, you have a final!”
‘And if he is doing this now, it will probably get worse.” ~ cerealkillah1978
“NTA. The first 2 sentences are all you need.”
“Stop twisting yourself in knots over this boy.” ~ WaterWitch009
“NTA. Look at his behavior now.”
“It’s all about him.”
“He just doesn’t care that it would severely damage your education to miss a final.”
“HE DOESN’T CARE ABOUT THE DAMAGE TO YOU!!”
“He expects you to miss your final and travel 16 hours and spend at least $700 to go to his graduation to appease people you’ve never met.”
“It’s all about why won’t you do this for him and why you would do it if you loved him.”
“This is pure manipulation.”
“You go to his grad and you’ll probably never have your own because something he wants will be more important.”
“Your career means nothing to him, you mean nothing to him other than how you reflect on him.”
“Re-reading what you wrote, it’s all about how you supported him, how you waited for him, and how you stayed up all night talking about him.”
“There is nothing there about what he has ever done for you except for exist.”
“You have great memories of what?”
“Keep the memories and lose this guy or this will be your future.”
“Everything will revolve around him and what he wants.”
“You are at best an afterthought.”
“Make the right choice for you and go to your final.” ~ squirrelsareevil2479
“This is a guy you see spending your life with?”
“Someone who emotionally blackmails you?”
“He knows you have finals, yet keeps pushing you to drop everything, fly for 16 hours, just so you can be there with him for a f**king ceremony?”
“Look at how little value he puts on your needs.”
“This is a f**king test he is subjecting you to, yet he is the one failing it.”
“NTA by a mile!” ~ El_Culero_Magnifico
“NTA. This guy is being really immature about this.”
“He is asking you to waste tons of hard work and risk your own future to see him graduate in person.”
“I can’t even think of the idea that he could ask you this.”
“He seems not to realize this is a huge ask for something that isn’t going to impact his future in any way but would severely impact yours.” ~ NoRazzmatazz564
“OP, be very very wary about this situation.”
“You, your final exams, your grades, and your degree are being DISMISSED and INVALIDATED by his unreasonable demands for your in-person attendance at a 4-hour event over 1,000 miles away on the same day as your final exam.”
“The laws of physical reality say you can’t do both.”
“He is giving you zero support for your college responsibilities.”
“Indeed, he is messing with your mind to the point it may affect your studying and your performance on your difficult final exams.”
“Is this his idea of ‘love?'”
“When people show you who they are, believe them.”
“Stay home and take care of YOUR responsibilities. NTA.” ~ AKaCountAnt
“NTA. He’s guilt-tripping you for attending your finals and studying for the rest of your finals.”
“If one of your friends told you this story, what would you think about that boyfriend and how carelessly he’s treating her education and future?”
“You obviously cannot go to his graduation.”
“Honestly ask yourself, is he going to guilt-trip you about this for the rest of your relationship?”
“Because from what you’re saying, it sounds like he thinks you should drop everything in your life to support his milestones, and if you don’t he’s going to hold it over your head forever.”
“I fully understand wanting you to be there.”
“But a loving caring relationship means that support goes both ways.”
“It’s not like you’re blowing off a milestone event for no good reason, and a caring partner would, sure, be disappointed, but also recognize and support that you have important events going on in your life as well that you can’t skip or reschedule.”
“I’d think long and hard about how much he respects your choices and your pursuit of education.” ~ hidinginthepantry
“He is allowed to be upset but an appropriate response from him would have been him stating he was upset by the situation and not you and he just needed some time to get over it.”
“That is not what he did.”
“He tried to make you feel guilty over something not within your control.”
“He tried to make you feel unworthy of him and that you should feel grateful because he has oh so many women in his life who he turned down for you (as if being loyal to your girlfriend isn’t just what people are supposed to do because they are your fricken girlfriend).”
“He is making comments that suggest you don’t care about him or love him because you’re unwilling to throw away your college career.”
“AND… I mean he really just sounds like a whiny little baby.”
“You’re 20.”
“Don’t settle for a whiny little baby.” ~ Spare-Yam5783
“NTA and why are you even CONSIDERING this?”
“As a sometimes-college professor: DO NOT skip your final, kid.”
“Your brain is worth a hell of a lot more than this dude’s boring-a** graduation and, frankly, so is your time.”
“The fact that he can’t see this is likely because he’s 21.”
“Move on with your life.”
“Any dude whose attitude is ‘Yeah, your future, but also: can you travel 1000 miles to sit and look at me for hours while boring people bloviate about whatever?’ is not long-term partner material.”
“There’s no ‘solution’ for you to find, he’s just being a child.” ~ TheAngerMonkey
“Straight talk, OP. This relationship isn’t going to work.”
“What he’s asking of you is wrong, and unfair, and he knows it, and is weaseling around just coming out and saying it.”
“This is just the beginning.”
“It’s a sign of things to come.”
“He wants you to make unfair and unrealistic sacrifices for the sake of his image.”
“End it. NTA.” ~ epichuntarz
“So NTA.”
“How can someone be graduating college but isn’t able to simply tell people that you have finals for your double majors?”
“Sounds like he wants his ‘trophy’ girlfriend on his arm for appearances.”
“Seems like he is more worried about what others think of him than what is actually best for you.”
“I have a feeling that if this relationship lasts, he will hold this over your head.” ~ KYGamerDude
“NTA. This guy f**king sucks.”
“I’ve broken up with someone for less.” ~ runrunpuppets
“NTA. You have a final that morning.”
“What are you supposed to do, jeopardize your grades to attend his graduation?”
“He’s acting like a brat.” ~ lihzee
OP responded…
“I would like to clarify- I never was considering it.”
“My education is too important to me and I was trying to explain that to him.”
“From the way he kept talking about it though it made me feel like I was doing something wrong.”
“Also, the main reasons he wanted me there was for other celebrations the day before he graduates such as getting his name engraved on a part of campus as an honor for his achievements, not just to sit and watch him walk.”
“But I see your point that I need to have a talk with him about how ridiculous this is, thank you.”
It sounds like you will have this under control OP.
Education first… always.
Your BF will need to come around.
If you could be there, you would be.
Good luck with your studies.