The term “trad wife” is showing up more and more on social media. For some, the term just refers to a wife who choose to be a stay-at-home mom.
But for others, it means a misogynistic belief that a “traditional wife” is required to be subservient to her husband, wait on him hand and foot, and be responsible for all childcare, cooking and cleaning with no help from her husband.
A woman whose father-in-law believes that’s the life purpose of a wife turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
One_Radish7127 asked:
“AITA for not cooking and cleaning for my father-in-law (FIL)?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“My FIL Paul has never cooked, cleaned, or done anything for himself. When his wife, who he married as a teen, died, he became helpless.”
“It has been six months, and my other two sister-in-laws (SILs) make him every meal and bring it to him. My husband and his father have a rocky relationship due to many things, but they were never close, so I was never close to Paul.”
“My MIL still cooked and cleaned while dying of cancer, so that is part of why my husband and I really don’t care for him. Paul is also extremely verbally abusive to everyone.”
“My SIL and his older daughter Lizzy have asked me to help with meal prep for her father because it has added stress to everyone. He has become ungrateful and complains about the food they offer or not helping him clean his house often enough.”
“The situation has stressed my husband, who called his father pathetic for yelling at him for not having us help out more. Lizzy called me again, saying she is going on vacation and desperately needs me to help with the meal train for her father while she is gone.”
“I told her to buy him a cookbook and show him how to turn on the stove. Lizzy called me a b*tch, saying Paul is a traditionalist and has never cooked for himself.”
“I told Lizzy this would be an excellent time for Paul to learn to be a big boy. My husband took the phone from my hand and hung up on his sister.”
“Lizzy took to Facebook (another family member showed me this) and complained about how awful some people treated their elders. She enlisted a church group to make Paul dinners and help him clean while Lizzy and her family vacation.”
“My husband and I think his father is ridiculous because, besides being in his 70s, Paul is not disabled in any way.”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I might be the a**hole because I understand Paul is a recent widow and might be having trouble adjusting to his life.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors unanimously declared the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“NTA. I have a similar FIL. I don’t live in the same town as him, but I get to hear about all the coercion he’s tried on the one daughter who does.”
“Sky-high expectations about her cleaning and cooking for him, zero gratitude. He used to treat my MIL terribly too, but still uses her passing for pity points.”
“Similar to you, my FIL also enlists other family members in his f*ckery, so they’re desperately trying to solve all his problems while he sits back. No doubt your FIL will put on just enough of a frail old dude act to fool the church group.”
“Some people are just 100% rotten and learn nothing as they get older. Good for you and your husband for not buying into this.” ~ skaev0la
“I don’t see what’s so macho about being so inept you would starve sitting in your own filth before being able to man up and take care of yourself. NTA.” ~ HighLadyOfTheMeta
“Maybe not so much macho as controlling, thinking the cooking and cleaning is beneath him. Typical misogynist.” ~ itsmeagain42664
“My father, 82, is much like OP’s FIL, without the hateful misogyny. My mother does everything, and he is mostly helpless.”
“When she broke her arm, he didn’t even know which machine was the washing machine and which was the dryer.”
“To his credit, he learned. They never asked for meals or help house cleaning.”
“Growing up in a household like this, I never understood it. Why would anyone want to be helpless?”
“My mother raised me to believe that people cleaned up after themselves, did laundry, cooked, etc… Yet demonstrably, my father did none of those things.”
“I think she raised me to believe that men are pets, fun to have around, but need constant care and attention. Once I got to college, I decided I wanted a partner, not a pet.”
“I have never had a long-term relationship with a man who couldn’t cook and do basic tasks.” ~ BombayAbyss
“Being able to take care of oneself shouldn’t be a gender issue. Every human needs to eat and thus feed themself and learn a few basic housekeeping tasks.”
“Even if you live in a cave, you have to learn how to make a good fire and hunt unless you want to starve to death.”
“Being so reliant on someone else to put food on a plate or flush a toilet will cause these kinds of problems if the maid suddenly dies or becomes unavailable for any reason.” ~ Sirena_Amazonica
“NTA. You’re not his daughter. You owe him nothing. If his daughters want to cook for him like he’s a helpless child, that’s their choice and their business.”
“It’s their business if they want to continue this sexist way of life. Why aren’t they asking your husband to help cook?”
“He’s FIL’S son? He’s already ungrateful. This isn’t your problem or responsibility to fix. I feel for those church ladies.” ~ Vandreeson
“NTA. Lizzy found a church group to help, problem solved. SHE agreed to take on this thankless task, shame on her for demanding you fill in for a commitment you didn’t make.”
“For what it’s worth, I’ve been part of church groups providing meals. They’re thrilled that Lizzy has asked them to help.”
“This is a win-win all around. Lizzy gets vacation, FIL gets meals, you aren’t roped into a task you didn’t ask for, and the church group is giving back to their community.” ~ RedHair_WhiteWine
“NTA. It simply is not your responsibility to feed and clean for a grown man who’s physically capable. Doesn’t matter what any enabling family member says, it simply is not an obligation that you actually have.”
“Honestly I think they’re gross for babying him like this, and accepting his snide ungrateful comments. They should all learn from you.” ~ Still-Measurement-90
“‘Paul is a traditionalist…’ Meaningless gibberish. Absolute gibberish. F*ck that noise. NTA.”
“Jar of peanut butter, jelly, loaf of bread, case of ramen. If you’re feeling generous, 2 dozen eggs. He WILL figure it out.” ~ Plasticity93
“This 100% would have been my father if my mother would have passed away before he did. He would have bitched about the food, acted like this was my job, and I should be grateful to cook and clean for him.”
“NTA. He’s in his 70s and he can learn to cook or subscribe to a meal service. I’m actually surprised that church members would take this on because he’s not disabled.”
“My church has a meal train thing and I’ve signed up a few times to bring meals to people, but it’s for people recovering from surgery, being suddenly disabled, and things like that.”
“Not just because someone was unwilling to care for themselves.” ~ LowBalance4404
“NTA. My parents had a traditional marriage. He looked after things on the farm (livestock & crops) & she took care of the house & garden.”
“When Mom had surgery for a brain tumour, Dad took over all the housework. When she passed away, he made a point of keeping the home the same way she would have.”
“Cleaned, cooked full meals for himself, took care of the garden & processed it for the freezer. He even started making jam & canning fruit.”
“He was 69 when she died & 86 when he died. He continued to take care of his home until a couple of weeks before he died.” ~ PrairieFlower999
“My dad died 23 years ago, at age 80. He would have been fully capable. He knew how to cook, bake, grill, run a vacuum and make a bed. He would have figured out laundry.”
“It’s called BEING AN ADULT. NTA.” ~ ElmLane62
“NTA. My dad was exactly like this when he was alive.”
“One summer my mom and I went to Asia to visit her relatives and it turns out the entire month we were gone, he went to a restaurant owned by my aunt, ordered dinner, didn’t pay, and didn’t leave a tip.”
“He got away with it because he had enablers, just as OP’s FIL does. OP, don’t feel guilty for even a second if you don’t want to be one of them.”
“If SIL calls you out again, point out how sexist it is that only the women are being asked to help!” ~ that_was_way_harsh
“NTA. This has nothing to do with age. Why is your SIL calling you and not your husband? Because she thinks it’s your job to do this and not your husband’s.”
“Maybe FIL can order food every day if he doesn’t want to cook? As a man, he should be able to provide, so he can provide himself with a nice takeout every night.”
“Good for you for standing up for yourself, and good for your husband for not letting his family bully you into cooking for his father.” ~ SeaExplorer1711
Basic life skills should be something everyone needs to learn. Relying entirely on others to keep you fed and your clothes and surroundings clean isn’t a smart way to live.
Enabling that behavior does no one any favors.