Balancing a co-parenting relationship with an ex while also being in a relationship full time that you’re having to work on is tricky.
It’s going to be impossible to make everybody happy all of the time, but you are also dealing with a lot of feelings that are often just occupational hazards of your situation, such as jealousy.
So Redditor aitafoodforu faced this when he accidentally overlooked giving his current girlfriend some dessert at a family event, but did accidentally offer some to his ex-wife.
After his current girlfriend had a not-so-favorable reaction, he wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Needing objective feedback from strangers, he went to the popular subReddit “Am I The A**hole?” or “AITA” for input:
“AITA for going out of my way to give my ex dessert instead of my girlfriend?”
Our original poster, or OP, was at a party with his ex for a family event.
“It was my dad’s birthday a few days ago and my parents had a party to celebrate. My ex was invited because she is the mother of our son and has a good relationship with my family.”
“When it came time for everyone to have dessert, my ex was entertaining our son a little away from the main party.”
“From past experience, my ex doesn’t really prioritise feeding herself when she is caring for our son and she’s shy so if she missed dessert being served, she wouldn’t ask for it after.”
“Another thing is that our son isn’t allowed to eat much sweet stuff, but I know she would give him some from her own plate because he has a habit of liking food more when it’s hers.”
“For those reasons, I quickly went to get some for her and took it to her, so they didn’t miss out.”
But despite the kind gesture, OP’s girlfriend was none too pleased.
“When I got back to where my girlfriend was sitting, she was angry at me.”
“She wanted to know why I hadn’t gotten her some first because she kept mentioning how nice it looked to me and she wanted to know why my first instinct was to run after my ex.”
“I tried to explain what I wrote above and offered to go get her some but she is still angry at me. AITA?”
OP was then forced to make a couple clarifying points, both about dessert and about his ex.
“Because everyone seemed to see that one comment but not the 5 others clarifying…”
“I dated my girlfriend for 3 years. We broke up.”
“I then dated someone else, we also broke up. I then had a fling with the mother of my child for 3 weeks.”
“We ended things and then found out she was pregnant but agreed not to date because we didn’t want to risk it ending badly and adding unnecessary baggage to our co-parenting relationship.”
“When my son was 2, my gf asked me for a second chance. There was about a 4 year gap between our last breakup and when we started dating again.”
“Also going to add this because everyone seems to be ignoring my comments…”
“It was not cake, it was some hot pudding dish. My intention was to give it to my ex and then get some for us.”
“I noticed she was angry so I approached her to ask her about it and then she didn’t want it. I had every intention of getting her some too and I asked her repeatedly after but she didn’t want it anymore.”
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
Ultimately Redditors actually could not decide where OP stood, because the circumstances did not feel clear enough for them to make a judgement.
“NTA. Why can’t the girlfriend get her own *dessert? She doesn’t have her hands full with a child. OP made a thoughtful gesture and it blows up in his face because his gf is jealous.”
“Anybody who says Y T A clearly doesn’t know how to healthily maintain a relationship to coparent a child. Just because he got her cake doesn’t automatically mean he wants his ex back.”-superledge
“Um i feel like if you get into a relationship with someone who has a kid, and coparents well with their ex.”
“Its kinda a given that they will look out for that person considering its their kids other parent?… you’re allowed to have a healthy relationship with your Baby Mama/Baby Daddy WITHOUT it meaning anything more.”
“If you can’t handle the thought of your SO still caring about what happens to BM/BD then you probably shouldn’t date someone who has a kid.”
“And part of being adult is using your big kid voices and saying you want something not ‘dropping hints’ good god some of you guys need to get a grip. NTA op.”
“And before anyone comes for my throat I’m a chick and think these comments are very bizarre”-ArcticR1245
“It is….sus. That he was that considerate for the ex… who didn’t say anything about the dessert… and yet would forget to get his current gf a plate.”
“I think her being mad about it is justified, but simultaneously I wouldn’t call you the a**hole.”
“I would question why ya did that and not a) grab two plates or b) take care of the son so that the ex could eat dessert without the son spoiling his diet. ( since it doesn’t really consist of sweets like you said)”-TheRecklesss
“Still sounds hung up over her, at least in this description. This description of his ex sounds tender, especially when you compare it to how he describes his current GFs actions.”
“The conclusion of this will actually become an r/Ask Me Anything post called « my AITA post helped me realize I was still I love with my baby mama. Ask me anything.» YTA sorryyyyyy”-bpbb420
People just could not agree on who was wrong.
Some people took OP’s side, some people took the girlfriend’s side and some took nobody’s.
“ESH. I think your girlfriend overreacted. But, I think you also screwed up. Your girlfriend made several comments about wanting the dessert.”
“When dessert was served, your first thought was to get a piece to your ex, who wasn’t around. She’s not wrong to point that out.”-mzpljc
“The child does not come first in all things – that is an unhealthy way to parent any child and a sure way to ensure OP never has any other romantic relationship.”
“Child’s need > Partner’s needs > Partner’s wants/kid’s wants with partner wants sometimes more important than kid wants and other times kids wants are more important.”
“In this case – it’s damn dessert – the kid doesn’t need to be the first person getting dessert. This is an easy win for OP – give your partner whose been eying the dessert first and make her feel appreciated and important.”
“Serve your ex/kid next – his needs/wants are not being neglected by having him wait. Verdict is YTA.”-Serenity413
“No, let’s normalize having good, loving co-parenting relationships. People don’t only experience romantic love and total hate.”
“He can – and maybe should – love the woman who had his kid, not because he wants to bang her, but because she is an awesome mom to the awesome kid they share.”
“I’d actually prefer that to someone with a sh*t ton of baby mama drama and an acrimonious relationship.”
“What OP ALSO showed was what a great partner he would be to gf when and if they have their own kids. He makes sure his partner and his kid are getting to eat and not being forgotten because they’re on ‘kid duty,’ which A LOT of dudes do.”
“Even better if he would have taken the lions share of the child care, but a) it’s his family’s event, b) it may have been a little awkward for ex to be by herself with his gf and family around, and c) I bet gf would have been salty that he ‘ignored’ her to give baby mama a break.”
“Baby mama was doing him a solid taking care of the kid off in the other room and ALLOWING OP to sit with his gf where she could repeatedly remark to him how much she wanted dessert. And she has 2 unoccupied hands to grab it herself.”
“I could MAYBE see being miffed, but when OP explains that it was both for his kid and a kindness because baby mama was doing all the child minding alone, gf needs to chill.”-biscuitboi967
“NTA. It doesn’t sound as though you’re in love with your ex, as you’ve explained that you never actually had an emotionally committed relationship.”
“To me, it sounds more like a considerate gesture for your son’s other parent who might be more present in her time with him than she is with the ongoing party.”
“My judgment also takes into consideration the fact that the food wasn’t solely for her but was also meant to be shared with your son, who you stated is more inclined to eat off of her plate than he is his own. It’s a pretty common situation among kids.”
“I understand that your girlfriend wanted you to serve her, but I don’t think it was entirely fair for her to assume that you would.”
“Your gesture was never meant to purposely ignore her. The miscommunication lies mostly with her because she never explicitly told you that she wanted to be served.”
“Hints are not the same as direct requests. Anyone giving a hint automatically accepts the risk that it might go over someone’s head.”
“People aren’t equally perceptive and many (such as yourself) can be oblivious, to no one’s fault.”
“You need to discuss this with her because while it’s not a common dealbreaker, it could be in the long run for her.”
“Putting in the effort is great, but you can’t always fine-tune an ability to take hints. Seeing as how she was pretty angry with you and now has gotten it into her head that she’s not a priority, it could shape the way she perceives your relationship moving forward.”
“Edited To Add: In all fairness, some people need to consider that it wasn’t entirely possible to serve both his child’s mother and his girlfriend at the same time.”
“OP mentioned that it wasn’t cake that was being served, but a pudding-like dessert. Its consistency meant that it was unstable on a plate and needed to be balanced with two hands.”
“Not to be insensitive to the situation, but the real culprit here is the ding dong that opted to serve the ‘pudding’ on a plate instead of in a bowl.”-agustd2yaaaaas
But what some people did point to was a serious lack of communication caused this situation.
“YTA. You jumped up and grabbed your ex some dessert bc you’re worried she doesn’t think of feeding herself……”
“Do you know how that looks to others? Catering to your ex and completely ignoring your gf is a bad move.”
“There is such a thing as being too thoughtful…..Why in the world wouldn’t you have grabbed your gf (or soon to be ex gf) some dessert too? You can’t possibly think this was smart.”-Historical-Piglet-86
“YTA- and a shite boyfriend. You gave all the reasons in the world why your ex needed your attention (even though ‘for your son’ who can’t have sweets anyway is really dumb IMO).”
“But you can’t understand why your girlfriend would be at all upset that you not only prioritized another woman over her (especially when you knew she was excited about the thing?)”
“But also didn’t even bother to extend her the same courtesy of getting it for her at all? You couldn’t be telling your girlfriend any louder that you don’t care about her.”-WookiewiththeCookie
“ESH. There seems to be some basic communication missing here. ‘Hey gf, I’m going to bring ex some cake to share with kiddo.'”
“Then gf can either get her own, or ask you to bring her a piece, too. Or heck, bring two pieces back so one is waiting for you when your get there.”
“I’m going to go out on a limb and assume that communication could be improved overall.”-Thnks-Fr-The-Mmrs
“I’m going to probably get criticism here but I am going to say ESH in this situation.”
“You- for showing your current girlfriend that she will never be your priority as your ex is the first person you consider as opposed to her.”
“Your girlfriend- for making a scene at the party. Your ex- for thinking it is OK to still attend family events when you are in a new relationship, making it awkward for your current girlfriend.”
“Your parents- for thinking it was a good idea to invite your current AND ex girlfriends to the party, where it is likely that tension might happen.”
“You don’t need to feed your ex. She is a grown woman. If she misses dessert- as the saying goes… ‘you snooze you lose’- she needs to be more proactive in gaining food at parties.”-majesticjewnicorn
Even if there isn’t a clear answer on who was right and who was wrong in this situation, there are still things to be done to address the state of OP’s and his girlfriend’s relationship.
Hopefully OP will see to it those things are addressed.