There are few things children want to hear less than being told their parents are getting a divorce.
Devastating as this news is, some children are at least lucky that even though their parents no longer share a home, they are still showered with love and support from both parents.
Some children don’t take the news as easily and find their emotions getting the better of them.
Particularly when they feel like one of their parents is no longer an active part of their life.
The daughter of Redditor Afraid-Parsnip-3754 started on a downward spiral after learning her parents were getting divorced.
Not helping matters was the fact that the original poster (OP) and his ex-wife had very different views on parenting and discipline post-divorce, eventually resulting in the OP’s daughter all but completely cutting off contact with him.
Eventually leading to the OP to feel the need to cut-off his daughter and ex-wife in a manner of speaking as well.
Wondering if he was wrong for doing so, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**Hole” (AITA), where he asked fellow Redditors:
“AITAH for cutting my daughter off completely when she was 18?”
The OP explained why he felt changes needed to be made regarding his arrangement with his daughter and ex-wife following his daughter’s 18th birthday.
“I (44 M[ale]) have a daughter, Jess (18 F[emale]), with my ex-wife, Mary (44 F).”
“Mary and I had a tumultuous relationship.”
“Six years ago, when Jess was 12, we came to the mutual decision to get a divorce after Mary had an emotional (and most likely physical, although she never admitted to it) affair with her co-worker.”
“Some of the fault for the divorce probably lay with me, but in all honestly, I would call it at least 90% Mary’s fault.”
“I believe that she suffers from BPD, but she never made any effort to get treated, despite my urging her and promising to pay for therapy.”
“After our divorce, Jess more or less became something of a problem child, which I totally understood.”
“I did everything in my power to create strict boundaries and reasonable rules within our house, but the second that she went back to her mother’s house, Mary would let her do whatever she wanted.”
“I paid child support during this period, which amounted to about $800/month.”
“When Jess was 14, she got caught with drugs at school.”
“On our way home, I explained to her that she should be thanking her lucky stars she wasn’t expelled and that her punishment would involve no devices.”
“The return of said devices would be contingent on her behavior and grades improving.”
“That was the last time Jess came to my house.”
“When she went back to her mother’s, she henceforth refused to even get in the car when I went to pick her up.”
“The reason was clear: Mary let her do whatever she wanted without repercussion, while I would hold her accountable.”
“Mary got quasi-full custody, despite it not being court-mandated.”
“I upped child support payments in response because I wanted to take care of my daughter.”
“In December, Jess turned 18. I haven’t spoken to her in a year.”
“Mary texted me frantically a few days ago about child support, and I simply responded that Jess was 18.”
“She then tore into me about ‘abandoning’ my child.”
“Jess made a TikTok about having a ‘deadbeat dad’ the next day, probably with Mary’s encouragement, as she knows I check her social media.”
“There were a lot of fabricated details in the story, but I wonder if I was an a**hole for just leaving them high and dry there.”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
NTA – Not The A**hole
YTA – You’re The A**hole
NAH – No A**holes Here
ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community generally agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for cutting off child support payments.
Most felt the OP did the right thing in cutting off his financial support, even if some urged him to double-check that this aligned legally with his divorce agreement and that he should still make every effort to be an active presence in Jess’s life:
“NTA for no longer paying child support because she’s 18; however, check with your lawyer or that court order to make sure you are in the clear.”
“You should send your daughter a text or email explaining why her mother no longer gets the money, how your door is always open to her to talk and rebuild the relationship, but given her actions and that she’s an adult now it’s on her to reach out to you if she wants a relationship.”- WinEquivalent4069
“NTA for cutting them off financially.”
“But as a daughter with an actual ‘deadbeat dad’, I would encourage you to keep reaching out a hand to your daughter.”
“Emotionally.”
“I’d also recommend therapy.”
“I was just tossed back and forth between my parents, never knowing who was telling the truth and who was doing what was good for me.”
“So I think as she’s an adult, she’s going to be able to decipher this much better now in the next few years.”- CakeBurglar93
“She is 18.”
“Her mother doesn’t get child support for an adult child.”
“She hasn’t spoken to you for over a year, has refused to even come to your home.”
“She is the one who cut you off and not you.”
“You have nothing to feel bad or guilty about.”
“Her social media histrionic and tantrums are just that, tantrums. Ignore them and don’t feed into the drama, it will get old really quickly when reality kicks in.”
“This is her come to Jesus moment, that the freeloading undisciplined BS she has been allowed to do by her mother is going to bite her in the a**.”
“She needs to get a job and fend for herself.”
“She is an adult.”
“NTA.”- Mother_Search3350
“Hi!”
“Child of divorce here who cut off my dad for 10 years after asking him to continue $110/month child support for my first year of college and send it to me.”
“He said no unless I would spend my holidays with him.”
“I told him to kick rocks.”
“Now, at 36, I have a great relationship with my dad.”
“Please Don’t give up on your daughter completely – she may see the situation more clearly as she gets older and sees how her mother tainted her image of you or how she was being an unreasonable teenager.”
“I’m so grateful my dad continued to reach out to me to check in/see how I was, as it eventually led to a beautiful friendship.”
“You’re definitely NTA but I hope you read this and don’t give up all hope for your future relationship there.”- Accomplished-Kale-25
“NTA.”
“But I would double check with child support services that you really are done.”
“Get some kind of writing and keep documentation of all your payments.”
“They can say what they want, you can’t stop them, but if you’re ready to really cut her off, then you have to cut everything, including social media off.”- Warm_Willingness2432
“NTA but I think you f*cked up letting Mary raise Jess.”
“You allowed yourself, the only responsible adult, to be removed from the picture.”
“I’m a dad myself, and I did something similar on my own.”
“It did not go well for my brothers.”
“You took the easy way out.”
“Your daughter has dabbled in drugs, and you allowed her to be raised by someone that you know is unstable and doesn’t set boundaries.”
“What do you think is going to happen?”
“Jess is an adult now and the only card you have left to play is your money.”
“Don’t be an idiot.”
“Use it and set conditions if they want continued financial support.”
“Jess needs a job or education for continued support and, if needed, therapy.”
“Also insist that she spend more time with you to ensure that she knows you care and that there is progress.”
“Or at the very least away from her mum, who is probably a bad influence.”- UseObjectiveEvidence
“You’re NTA for stopping financial support.”
“However.”
“You are the adult in this situation.”
“Who knows what the mom was saying, but you still have the responsibility to try and have a relationship with your child.”- imokaybutareyou
“She wants to run her own life.”
“She’s an adult and has basically gone NC with you. Why would you send her money?”
“Definitely NTA, and she needs to find out how the world really works.”
“Since now she needs to really work.”- Lay-ZFair
There comes a point where Jess will need to learn that actions have consequences and her parents can’t always bail her out.
However, it is important that the OP makes sure that he is only cutting Jess and Mary off financially.
As there seem to be deeper, bigger issues going on with both of them requiring his help.
No matter how much the two of them resist and try to push him away, he needs to let them know that deep down, he will always be there for them.