It’s often said that it takes a village to raise children.
Parents need all of the help they can get.
But some parents can rely on others a little too often and a little too much.
This doesn’t always sit well with the villagers.
Redditor DominicDonkey88 wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback, so naturally, he came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
He asked:
“WIBTA If I tell my S[ister]-I[n]-L[aw] I prefer to look after my own kids, not hers?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I’m (40 M[ale]) a father of 3.”
“My SIL (27 F[emale]) and her husband (27 M) had their first kid 2 years ago.”
“She’s my wife’s sister, and we tend to see each other at least once a month for family events.”
“For my wife and me, we manage our kids ourselves.”
“If we go somewhere, one of us is always keeping an eye on them, making sure they’re not getting into trouble – especially making sure the youngest (a toddler) is safe – changing her if necessary, refilling her sippy cup, stuff like that.”
“It’s our job.”
“If something happens, one of us pops up and takes care of it.”
“SIL and her husband take a different approach and are frequently asking for help.”
“If we’re all eating dinner and their kid has a poopy diaper, they’ll sometimes get it, sometimes turn to one of us and ask, ‘Would you mind?'”
“The other day, I’m at a party and just came back inside after getting something for my kids, ready to sit down to eat, and SIL asks, ‘[Baby] left her sippy cup upstairs – would you mind getting it?'”
“She and her husband are both sitting down and perfectly capable.”
“It’s not like they’ve asked a few times when they’re overwhelmed or there’s only one of them – there’s been times one of them is lying on a couch reading a book and asks me for something.”
“It’s not like what they ask for anything I’d consider a huge inconvenience, so I feel petty saying something – but part of me just wants to say ‘Look, my wife and I are responsible for our kids – you’re responsible for yours. I don’t ask you to change our kids’ diapers or grab their sippy cups from the next room, don’t ask me.'”
The OP was left to wonder:
“WIBTA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
“NTA. In my family, we’d be asking, ‘Are your legs broken?'” ~ Salty-Initiative-242
“YWNBTA – But you don’t need to qualify your statement.”
“Chances are it would make everyone awkward due to the shock factor of them being told no, and them later victimizing themselves and painting you as the bad guy.”
“Try this instead…”
“Them: Can you go upstairs and get X’s sippy cup?”
“You: No thanks, I’m so ready to eat. (Sits down, and looks at wife, and ends the convo with SIL by starting one with wife). “
“‘Insert random question, comment, or statement here.'”
“No fuss, no drama, no way for them to use it against you.” ~ Reasonable-Bad-769
“NTA. People like that get very comfortable allowing others to do for them, and then it becomes an expectation and a bad habit down the line.”
“Little things start to become very big things with entitled behavior.”
“It would be one thing if she reciprocated that energy when it came to your children, but clearly that’s not the issue.’
“I would’ve said, ‘No, sorry, I’m actually getting ready to eat.'”
“I might have told the B[rother]-I[n]-L[aw], ‘Hey, your wife needs you to go grab the sippy cup, ‘ or not said anything at all and went and ate.”
“Nip that behavior in the bud now, so they can actually parent their children even when they’re around other people.” ~ Fickle-Cabinet3956
“NTA. I cannot imagine asking someone to change my child or get something for him when his dad and I are both present and available.” ~ Thegetupkids678
“Your wife should be the one pushing back on her sibling because she can be ruder without the same level of consequences.”
“Because she can say, ‘Are your legs broken?’”
“And she won’t get the same reaction as you saying it.”
“I have no problem being viewed as petty, and I have a well-known hard rule about dirty diapers.”
“Nope. I don’t do that.”
“I’d never ask someone to do stuff I can do for myself, but clearly she thinks she’s a manager, not a parent.”
“Push back, who cares if they don’t like it?” ~ o2low
“You need to talk to your wife about this.”
“Her family might be an ‘everyone chips in/it takes a village’ family.”
“How does your wife react when little favors are asked of her?”
“Do your M[other]-I[n]-[aw]L/F[ather]-I[n]-L[aw] also get asked?”
“If anything gets said, your wife needs to take it on.”
“There is NO way that you don’t come off as an AH if you say something.” ~ No_Bed_2437
“NTA. When you’re a parent, you know taking care of your own kids is just part of the job.”
“You’re not your SIL’s or her husband’s personal assistant or babysitter.”
“Asking you to grab stuff or change diapers when they’re perfectly capable is over the line.”
“Setting boundaries might be what they need to start stepping up.” ~ No-Performance5432
“I had been dating my now-husband for about a year, and his family (parents, siblings, and spouses, and SIL’s toddlers) went to Vegas, and they invited me.”
“After dinner, we were all strolling the Strip, and the SIL (only one with kids at the time) said to me, ‘Hey, want to push the stroller?’”
“She already had a history of pushing evvvvveerrryyyyything to her mom, and while I was new, it rubbed me the wrong way.”
“So without thinking, I blurted, ‘They’re not my kids.”’
“Entire family lost their sh*t laughing.”
“Pretty sure that’s the day they decided to keep me, and we never got asked to babysit or do other s**t.”
“Not our fault, she stupidly had kids too young.”
“Oh, YWNBTA.” ~ MyCatSpellsBetter
“YWNBTA… If you don’t set a boundary now, they’ll continue behaving like this until their child (or children by then) are adults.”
“How it’s received will depend on the tone used.”
“Try saying it in a more jovial way and hope they take the hint.” ~ RoyallyOakie
“Talk to your wife first… this is HER sister.”
“Consider the historical family dynamics.”
“Has your wife always been the ‘Cinderella’ sister?”
“You know, the one who is expected to do everything for her siblings?”
“Honestly, this sounds like SIL is the baby of the family who never had to do anything because an older sibling was there to do it for her.”
“If your wife wants to serve her sister, then every time SIL asks you to do something, say ‘ask your sister.'”
“If your wife is tired of this (and I certainly would be), then work with your wife on how to handle it.”
“If you just suddenly come out with ‘Raise your own kid, ‘ then your wife may be upset.”
“NTA, figure out a way to handle it without putting your wife in the middle of the resulting drama.” ~ ArreniaQ
“NTA. I know some people seem to have a disconnect when it comes to kids, but in fact, it is not the child asking you for a favor; it is your SIL.”
“If you were babysitting her kid, of course, you would change the diaper or get their cup.”
“Adult me always wants to be a good host, so I will jump up and get people stuff. “
“I might grab the diaper bag for them, but I don’t change diapers anymore.”
“I grew up in a big family.”
“Younger me would have said, ‘Are your legs broken?’ ‘No.’ – ‘Then, no.'” ~ 1962MichaelYou would
“NBTA at all.”
“I would say, instead of being confrontational about it, why don’t you use the same tactics that they use?”
“You have 3 kids, you’d be asking them, ‘Do you mind?'”
“Often enough to get the message across!”
“You could even use it on their kid – ‘Oh, SIL, do you mind taking care of your kid’s sippy cup?'” ~ uTop-Artichoke5020
“NTA, asking someone else to clean your baby’s poop during dinner is just plain WRONG!”
“My bro would’ve laughed at me and told me he’s not responsible for my self-inflicted problems.”
“Talk to her and explain the problem.”
“People with 1st babies can be really needy and obnoxious.” ~ Calm_Negotiation_225
“NTA for not wanting to do it. Wording is important, though.”
“You don’t need to be rude when delivering the message that they can do these simple tasks themselves.”
“I could be wrong or off base, but maybe they don’t get many breaks from their kid, and this is the only time they have other ppl around that may help a bit?”
“Or maybe they’re just lazy.” ~ QuirkyFunUsername
“NTA, but is this just a repost reworded?”
“There was a post nearly IDENTICAL a few weeks ago, and the only detail that was different was that instead of SIL asking for a sippy cup, it was to change the baby’s diaper.” ~ immadriftersbody
“NTA. I’m not saying people should never help parents, certainly not if they actually need it, but go**amn, I hate when parents act like their kids are everyone’s responsibility.”
“I don’t have kids by choice, don’t inflict your on me.” ~5PeeBeejay5
“NTA. You simply reply, yes, in fact, I would mind.”
“I’m about to (insert activity here).”
“Say it politely and move on.”
“Rinse and repeat.”
“Sounds like they don’t want to be inconvenienced, so they would rather inconvenience someone else.”
“If you just keep doing it, they will eventually get the message.” ~ bmw5986
“I’m going to go with NAH – they can ASK anything they want, you have the right to REFUSE.”
“You don’t need to blow up the relationship by confronting them, just say No.” ~ Formal_Cap_1324
Reddit has you back, OP.
You’re not a butler or a babysitter.
Your SIL and BIL are taking advantage.
You have every right to speak up.
Good Luck.