Parents want to give their kids anything they need when possible.
But sometimes when it comes to money, some things gotta give.
Who gets what, how much and why?
Case in point…
A deleted Redditor wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback. So naturally, he came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
He asked:
“AITA for not wanting to give my younger daughter’s future wedding fund to my older daughter’s house deposit?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“Me (M[ale] 59) and my wife (F[emale] 53) have two daughters let’s call them Rose (F 27) and Lily (F 24) who both earn roughly the same amount of money (quite a lot for their ages).”
“Rose has a two-year-old and a husband who earns a fair bit less than her and Lily has a boyfriend who earns a bit more than her.”
“They both inherited a big chunk of money from my mother, enough for a 10%-15% deposit on a house they could realistically buy.”
“Rose has always lived beyond her means and certainly her husband’s.”
“They’ve alluded to using some of their house savings when their daughter (Poppy) was born despite my wife looking after Poppy full time whilst my daughter worked.”
“Her husband has recently confessed he hasn’t saved a penny in the almost ten years they’ve been together.”
“On the other hand, Lily and her boyfriend have almost doubled the original amount saved and never seem to have any issues with money whilst we constantly seem to be helping out Rose.”
“Both girls are looking at buying houses.”
“Lily and her boyfriend have been approved for a lovely house with a 25% deposit.”
“Rose also had an offer accepted but as it turned out due to commuting costs and childcare from moving away adding up to almost the cost of another mortgage they will only be able to get a mortgage for roughly half they thought and only have 5%.”
“Rose told Lily this and asked how on Earth she had been accepted on a bigger house as a younger couple.”
“Lily was honest and told her how much she made as a couple and how much they were putting down and Rose broke down a little.”
“She asked how much we had given Lily and we told her nothing extra.”
“That night my wife and I were talking and she said she didn’t realize how badly Rose was financially and how well Lily was doing.”
“We’d paid for Rose’s wedding and planned to do so for Lily too but so far she’s insisted she doesn’t want/need it.”
“I want to keep the money so we can still offer it when the time comes even if Lily still won’t accept.”
“But my wife wants to give the money to Rose as she’s saying having a child makes it a lot harder for Rose and she doesn’t want the money to go to waste when her only grandchild doesn’t have a home.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“So AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“NTA. Taking the money earmarked for Lily’s wedding and giving it to Rose is literally ‘throwing the good money after the bad.'”
“The difference between the two sisters is not how much they earned but how well they manage what they have.”
“Lily and her partner are financially savvy and responsible, and Rose and her husband are not.”
“No matter how much money you give Rose, it will go to waste.”
“Having a child your wife’s been watching for free = no childcare expenses, so ‘Ahh, having a child is harder’ is just an excuse your wife has made up to guilt you.”
“The child is also not homeless; they have a roof over their heads.”
“You would not be the first set of parents who enable the less competent child at the expense of the more competent one, and this inequality and favoritism rarely if ever do any favors to the parent’s relationship with the more capable (but less favored) child or the relationship between the siblings.”
“Favoring the child who has a child of their own over the child who doesn’t (at least not yet), same.”
“What’s fair is fair.”
“Unfair doesn’t become okay just because Rose spends all the money she gets her hands on.” ~ Content-Plenty-268
“The overriding principle must be fairness.”
“If Rose gets additional money, then this should be made up for Lily somehow.”
“That could be done through inheritance, for instance.”
“But it all needs to be transparent to everyone. No surprises.”
“But Rose need not get any additional.”
“This isn’t a case of anyone being homeless, just how comfortable is Rose’s lifestyle.” ~ Boeing367-80
“This is just enabling Rose to just continue to live beyond her means and almost encouraging it since she will think that Mommy and Daddy will continuously bail her out. NTA.” ~ RogeeSmith12
“So true, I won’t call out names but there is a very wealthy celebrity widow in the news who is constantly having to bail out her daughter’s poor financial decisions.”
“The girl was given a modest inheritance and blew right through it.”
“The public is more sympathetic towards the daughter because the mother has an enormous fortune.”
“I feel like if the daughter had access to a huge sum such as $400 million she would blow right through that too.”
“Some people are just financially irresponsible.” ~ Chateaudelait
“My suggestion would be to give the money to Lilly now.”
“If she truly doesn’t want the money and thinks it would serve Rose better, let Lilly be the one who gives the gift.”
“Parents have then been perfectly fair.”
“Lilly can’t be mad if her circumstances change because she was the one who has the money away (if she chooses to) and if she chooses not to, Rose hasn’t been favored or slighted.”
“Take some delicate wording to make sure that Lilly doesn’t feel obligated to give the money, but I imagine she’s aware of Roses’s situation.” ~ funklab
“I wouldn’t give any money to people who are so irresponsible about saving up.”
“My friend was with her ex for 10 years.”
“They had 2 kids and while she saved for a down payment working 3 part-time jobs, he saved exactly zero even though he had a higher paying full-time one.”
“That plus many other things caused the breakdown of their relationship.” ~ ravynwave
“NTA: But you even if Lily turns down the money you aren’t doing Rose any favors.”
“This is the case of someone losing their job and struggling, or someone getting in debt after an injury or illness.”
“This is someone who lived outside of the means and never saved a dime in a decade.”
“I wouldn’t be surprised if you continue having to bail her out if she doesn’t learn how to be a fiscally responsible adult.” ~ thea**holethrowawa
“My mom is exactly like this.”
“Lived outside of her means, never saved a dime.”
“She’s now 76 and I, her only child, am stuck footing the bill for her life. $2k/mo!!!”
“OP, if you want to do Rose a favor, don’t bail her out this time or in the future.”
“If someone in my mom’s life had forced her to figure things out and save, we might not be in this situation now.”
“It will only get worse.” ~ Crlady
“Absolutely this.”
“It seems like both girls/partners earn enough that they’re above the poverty line.”
“Assuming both couples are middle-class earners, both have had similar opportunities to save.”
“I work with finances for a living and I always tell clients you can afford what you WANT to afford.”
“Some people want a new car every couple of years, their kids wear designer clothes, wife likes designer bags.”
“Another family of similar demographics may prefer to spend their money on traveling while driving older cars and dressing more inexpensively.”
“A third family may care most about saving for retirement and forego a lot of luxuries in their middle age years.”
“None of them are necessarily right or wrong (although I have personal opinions on each) but none are the same. That’s fine!”
“But the couple who had new cars and luxury items can’t then be jealous of the couple who lives the high life during retirement.”
“Financial choices always have consequences and it looks like Rose is gonna be learning that the hard way.” ~ Commercial-Place6793
“Your wife is the AH.”
“She is actively enabling your oldest in her bad decisions.”
“The child does not suffer from homelessness.”
“She is almost 30.”
“It’s time to put some boundaries down.”
“Stop helping her living over her means.”
“Teach her the reality of life.”
“Your eldest is clearly the golden child of your wife. You go, Sir.”
“Keep things equal.”
“If your youngest doesn’t want the money put it in a trust fund FOR HER FUTURE (children or not).”
“If the eldest can’t budget it’s not the youngest duty to sacrifice non-stop for her.” ~ Unwanted88
“NTA. Your grandchild isn’t living on the streets.”
“She has a home, just not the house Rose wants.”
“Your wife hasn’t figured out that Rose will go through that money like water and have her hand out for more before the ink is dry on the mortgage.”
“Nothing is making things harder on Rose except Rose and her husband.” ~ FuzzyMom2005
“Agreed, unfortunately, there’s a fine and blurry line between helping someone and enabling them.”
“Rose does not want to change, continually bailing her out ensures she never needs to change. NTA OP.” ~ Amazing_Cabinet1404
Well, OP, Reddit is with you.
In the end, it’s your money, well yours and your wife’s of course.
So a serious discussion is necessary.
Rose may need a financial advisor.
You can only do so much.