Successful parenting requires an equal amount of input from each spouse in order to ensure they can come up with the right solutions together for the betterment of their children.
But that’s easier said than done.
A husband was conflicted when his wife mentioned their daughter’s complaint about no longer wishing to continue with a physical activity she’s actively been engaged in.
After struggling against what his gut had to say about the conflict, the husband turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for moral judgment on a hypothetical “Would I Be The A**hole” (WIBTA) scenario.
There, Redditor Business_Bat_4962 asked:
“WIBTA if I withdrew my daughter from sports against my wife’s wishes.”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“My daughter (15 f[female]) is a competitive gymnast. Her team travels all over the country to compete.”
“She is a sophomore in High school and wants to stop competing because her body hurts, she is at the gym 14 hours a week, she lacks the drive and passion for the sport and she wants to do more high school things and concentrate on her studies.”
“She is a honor roll student and takes AP classes in sophomore year.”
The OP continued:
“My wife (43 f[female]) is against it because my daughter’s season just started and she made a commitment to the team and she should see it through. We also spent $1,800 this summer on camps and sessions to help her get better.”
“She thinks my daughter will become lazy and want to hang out with friends and her chores and school work will suffer.”
The OP tried to be diplomatic.
“I (43 m[ale]) understand my wife’s point about the commitment to the team and the money. I also understand my daughters point about being sore as I used to be weightlifter and wanting to be more active in high school.”
Alas, it all boiled down to this.
“I am trying to find middle ground but I don’t think it exists. My gut is to protect my daughter and withdraw her but I know it will put me in the dog house big time. I feel stuck between a rock and hard place.”
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
Many Redditors thought the OP would not be the a**hole (NTA) in the scenario.
“NTA.”
“Your daughter no longer has a passion for gymnastics and wants to prepare for her future through education.”
“Your wife’s forcing your daughter to stay in gymnastics is going to hurt their relationship. Is there any reason why your wife believes your daughter will start slacking on chores and school work?”
“Trust your gut – your wife probably has good intentions, but your daughter’s wishes need to come into play. 15 is old enough to have input on what sports/activities she does. Sorry about what will probably be an extended stay in the dog house.” – Comfortable-Sea-2454
“NTA.”
“Also, listen to your daughter. Her reasons for wanting to stop the sport are valid. Forget about the money, that’s gone. And about her behaviour, I’m kind of shocked that your wife doesn’t believe in her own daughter – really, an honor roll AP student isn’t going to change overnight.”
“It sounds like your wife is one of those dance moms, only for gymnastics.”
“Just reread – logically, at the start of the season is the second best time to pull out of the team ( the best time would be at the end of the previous one).”
“Also, your wife says daughter made a commitment to the team? So she cares more about the team than her own daughter? Wow.” – Lisbei
“This. Please listen to your daughter. And do NOT let your wife dismiss the ‘her body hurts’ complaint. Our Eldest stuck it out too long. Turned out they have EDS and pushing through the pain has permanently damaged their joints.” – Irishwol
“Agreed. A complaint about everything hurting should never be ignored.”
“A kid who’s done the same thing since they were little is going to be pretty damn used to the normal aches and tiredness of healthy exercise – and they aren’t going to complain about that sort of thing because they will consider it normal.”
“So if they are starting to complain, something’s changed, either in their body or the training. And as a parent you owe it to them to believe them and investigate when they say ‘it hurts.’ “ – Normal-Height-8577
“Exactly this. If it’s not a new activity or a new level of activity then she shouldn’t be in pain all the time. Gymnastics, football, wrestling, competitive cheerleading, heck even sports like lacrosse, baseball and tennis, are all sports with the potential to cause long term if not lifelong damage.”
“It’s better to allow kids to drop years too early then a second too late.” – GeekySkittle
“That’s what I immediately worried. I was “encouraged” to be in cheer, dance, gymnastics for at least a decade as a kid. I regularly got sprains and injuries.”
“It took my regularly life to figure out why- I was just officially diagnosed last week. If I had known early I could have mitigated some of the damage. NTA/WNBTA” – LeNerdmom
“Yeah, ‘her body hurts’ was an immediate red flag to me. I know tons of people with EDS who were very active as kids and either had to quit sports because of pain or are seriously disabled from it now.”
“(Obviously EDS is not the only condition that can cause chronic pain in teenagers but it’s the one I’m most familiar with. And plenty of hypermobile people get into gymnastics because they think their mobility is helping them…)” – sootfire
“NTA.”
“The $1800 is gone, no matter what. It’s not coming back. So you can be out $1800 and have a miserable, resentful child or you can be out $1800 and have a happy, balanced child.”
“As for the commitment to the team, it happens. Yes, it’s important to honor your obligations but it’s also important to learn that you don’t have to sacrifice yourself for others. If your daughter is no longer on this team, are we talking about girls that won’t be able to make it to the Olympics because of it? Most likely not. No one is irreplaceable, and someone will take her place.”
“Maybe consider giving her a thinking-about-it period. Tell her to remain on the team for X amount of time, and then if she’s firm in her desire to want to quit she can.” – Wishyouamerry
“NTA.”
“Her body hurts. At 16.”
“Let me repeat, louder, for your wife: your child’s, 16 year old body is hurting. Do you, as a parent, willingly accept your child’s hurts when they’re due to something not needed nor wanted?”
“That’s reason enough to justify retiring, I’m sorry. I know it comes hand in hand with competitive sports, but it’s her body and her peace of mind. Both need to last for at least 60 more years.”
“Let her be a normal teenager for once in her life.” – notdancingQueen
“I was like your daughter back in middle school. I wanted to quit gymnastics to focus on school and have more free time, my body was in pain with severe tendinitis, I lacked the drive etc. My mom don’t want me to quit but eventually she let me and I’ve never really regretted it.”
“After quitting I did other sports like cheerleading and diving. Edited to add: NTA. Your daughter should be able to make this decision herself and she is old enough to know what she wants. She is also getting to the age where most people I know ended up quitting gymnastics anyways, if you don’t desire to pursue it in college then it’s a lot harder to continue with the sport after 18.” – mochimmy3
“NTA – If her body hurts it is trying to warn her something is wrong. Your wife is the AH, as it seems only to do with money. If your daughter continues, and injures herself, or worse permanently has health issues because of not stopping it will cost a LOT more money and pain.”
“If being lazy is a concern, then a talk about what she will do instead is in order.”
“My eldest daughter did ballet from age 3 to 16. Just before her 17th she said, she was tired, her joints hurt, her feet were jacked from pointe, and she knew she would never be a prima ballerina, and it was not worth destroying her body.”
“Okay, then focus on school. She did, and now as a married woman, she is currently going for her PhD, and is happy and healthy.” – PoppysWorkshop
“NTA. I was a competitive gymnast until 14 when I tore my Achilles. Surgery and six weeks on crutches, two months off from the gym. I discovered a whole new world out there while I was off and my body felt healthy for once.”
“I could actually go to sleep overs because I didn’t have to be at the gym at 7am on Saturdays! I never went back. When raising my kids, I always let them dictate their limits with extra curriculars but wanted them well balanced- play an instrument, play a sport, learn a different language.”
“They managed their activities with good grades and social lives.” – RespectMyAuthority74
Redditors continued to agree that the OP would not be the a**hole if he pulled his daughter out from competing to let her focus more on her social life and academics.
In this case, commenters thought addressing the daughter’s physical and mental well-being was more important than continuing to allow her to subject herself to physical risk, especially if she’s already experienced major fatigue and pain from the grueling training.