We all know that there’s certain etiquette when it comes to dating, particularly who it’s appropriate or inappropriate to date.
Family members and best friends tend to be very high on the list, pointed out the members of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit, but as goes with anything, sometimes there are exceptions.
Redditor myheartispainfree had been shocked when his ex-wife told him she was unhappy with their life together and wanted to get a divorce. In the process of pushing him away, she also pushed other people away, including her very best friend.
Trying to comfort each other, the Original Poster (OP) and his ex-wife’s best friend became better friends, and eventually started dating, much to his ex-wife’s chagrin.
He asked the sub:
“AITAH for dating my ex-wife’s best friend after my ex-wife left me?”
The OP was totally shocked when his ex-wife told him that she wanted a divorce.
“My wife (47 Female) and I (45 Male) are getting a divorce.”
“She was apparently thinking about divorce for two years and didn’t bother to tell me that she was not happy. She never asked for therapy and never did anything to reconnect.”
“She did talk to her friends, and her best friend (40 Female), was the only one who told her she was going about this the wrong way. Many of her friends who are divorced themselves kept egging her on about leaving me.”
“She one day told me that she wasn’t happy, and that she was done living for me and the kids, and she wanted to live for herself instead.”
“So we are getting a divorce. What was I even supposed to do?”
The OP wasn’t the only person that his ex-wife pushed away.
“She also cut off her best friend because she wasn’t supportive of her choices.”
“For context, her best friend is a widow. So she tried to tell her that she is throwing away something that was taken away from her.”
“She told me everything and apologized for not telling me sooner, so my wife and I could have fixed things before it was too late.”
The OP and his ex-wife’s former best friend grew closer in the aftermath.
“I felt terrible that she was essentially blaming herself for me losing something she’d never had. From that point, we got closer and closer. Now we are dating each other.”
“My wife went ballistic on me when she found out, and I just told her that she left a vacancy. Why does she care who fills it when she herself doesn’t want it?”
“She is still seething at me.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some pointed out that the ex-wife pushed everyone away first.
“NTA, especially because the wife cut off her best friend beforehand. Good luck to you and your new ladyfriend!” – HOUS2000IAN
“NTA. She made her choice and pushed everyone away. Can’t be mad now that someone filled the space she left.” – AraManYen51
“NTA. Good luck to you and your ladyfriend! You’re handling things respectfully and thoughtfully, which is way more mature than causing drama over the past.” – wildflower_touch
“Absolutely best wishes to OP and his new gal pal. When opportunity permits, OP, go to FB and any other social media in which you participate, and post some photos of you and your gal pal. Highlight how it’s now wonderful to be able to focus on your own happiness.”
“Your ex will likely s**t the bed.” – Tight-Shift5706
“NTA. If the wife did not cut off the best friend… the best friend would be a super a**hole here. As is, more power to her and OP, and much happiness.” – aknudskov
“What? They weren’t friends anymore, so you two are free agents. If she had encouraged the divorce, then it would have been different. NTA.” – ShawnyMcKnight
“NTA, OP. Though my ex-wife said different things, I think you and I technically went through something similar, of them telling themselves a story and realizing too late that they were wrong (but it worked out better for you and me in the end).”
“I found out my ex-wife was having an affair with a surgeon 28 years older than her. She went on this long story about how they met in another life, were twin flames, how she wasn’t truly happy, how she needed to find herself, how she wanted to be a free spirit, etc.”
“We were together for 14 years, and she never spoke like that or said anything to me. I took her on trips all the time, did a huge amount of the chores, was in therapy, and would try to talk to her about what I was learning, etc. It was never enough for her ego. I had always been faithful, never even crossed my mind to step out of the relationship.”
“Well, I finally broke it off. Iced her out entirely. Hadn’t been in the dating world in almost 15 years. Turns out I was a catch?! I went on a number of dates easily.”
“Then I met a woman who was amazing, a former model, fitness trainer, kind, patient, and understood the brutal trauma I was going through. We’ve been together for almost three years now. When my ex first found out, she lost it. I think her narrative completely broke when she saw it.” – Own-Mark1285
“She seems really unhappy, and from how OP describes her and events surrounding the divorce, the realization she needs is self-awareness. Her words, according to OP, are that she is tired of living for the kids and husband.”
“If these are truly her words, then she is leaving because she is bored or feels she can do better, not because he wasn’t doing enough around the house or with the kids.”
“So she’s equally as bad as the people you describe, and she needs to understand that she is going to be just as much the problem in her relationships as any fetisher or what have you.” – ConsolePCUndecided
“Dude, I swear they take moving on worse than any insult. My ex, who cheated and broke up with me, got a new phone number and tried contacting me years and years later, like enough years that I had been married to my wife for a few months.”
“She sent me a text telling me (not asking) to go get dinner with her. I responded with, ‘I think you have the wrong number.’ I wasn’t going to use it as an opportunity to lash out or vent or brag or divulge personal details about my life with my wife.”
“This crazy girl sent me a multi-paragraph thing like our breakup was happening then and not like six years prior, among other things, demanding to know how I could possibly forget HER phone number and not recognize her. I didn’t respond, just blocked the new number.” – Vast-Description8862
“The opposite of love isn’t hate; it’s indifference. Dude and his new squeeze have both been cut off from his ex-wife. They should be indifferent to her concerns about their dating life.” – CatoMulligan
Others agreed and theorized that she expected the OP to “fight for” or “pine over” her.
“That’s because you were supposed to pine for her and crumble while she lived her best life.”
“She dropped the friend for telling her the truth and dropped her husband to go be single. You guys were supposed to live your crappy, boring lives while she thrived.”
“She never anticipated or thought of your happiness; that’s why she was so shocked.”
“The thing is, whenever someone does that, they have like a cool couple of months of freedom and then realize what they lost. She’s going to get bitter fast.” – United-Platypus-602
“The good thing about moving on is, it’s not about making the other person seethe, because although in this situation they are, most of the time the person who doesn’t care about you, doesn’t care about you.”
“But to get caught up in any actual acts of revenge is to continue to play their game and dedicate even a small part of your life to considering how they feel. Just move on for your sake. Move on so fast you forget everything but the lessons.” – Oberon_Swanson
“It’s so unhealthy to live life thinking your decisions afterwards are for revenge or even finding happiness in the fact that your current situation is hurtful to them, super toxic, in my opinion.”
“Living in a way that honors your own values, rather than as a reaction to someone else’s behavior, allows you to take back control of your life. It means you are no longer defined by the trauma but by your intentional choice to live with integrity.”
“I was next-level wrecked emotionally and financially, worse than anyone I know, like three times as much. BUT, I just want to live my life in a way that I can look back and know that, no matter what, I was a good man and tried to do good by others, even when they didn’t deserve it.”
“A shift toward living with integrity, regardless of how others have acted, shows immense strength and is the best path to genuine peace and freedom. Anything less, you’ll feel rotten inside.” – Chappyspaintndetail
“My ex-wife was super mad that when she suggested a divorce, I loved the idea. We separated from our s**t marriage, and then I did something worse: met a much younger, smarter, and prettier woman and married her.”
“She encourages me daily, and I’ve achieved more in my career than I would have attempted before. We’re coming up on ten years. The best revenge is living well.” – SanFransicko
“A wise man once said that the best revenge is to simply move on. It will burn her forever to watch you do the things you said you were going to do together, with her, with someone else.”
“That’s pretty much exactly what I did. My ex was super shocked when she found out I was getting married. I felt that I waited an appropriate amount of time before dating someone else.” – JediFed
The subReddit was fully supportive of the OP finding happiness where he could, especially since he and the former best friend seemed to be such a good fit for each other.
If the best friend had betrayed the ex-wife, it would be a different story, but since the ex-wife was pushing people away, it only stood to reason that they might try to find comfort in other people with shared connections.
Hopefully, the OP’s ex-wife would find everything she was looking for and learn to be happy for other people who were already finding it.