The phrase deadbeat dad or mom refers to a legal parent who offers no financial support to their children. They may also not pursue or participate in visitation.
For the other parent carrying the financial burden alone, resentment is certain to build as years go by. But for the kids, it’s more complicated.
Their children may or may not want a relationship with them.
A son gaining an inheritance from his “deadbeat dad” turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback after his mother objects to him accepting it.
KeyDetective9774 asked:
“AITA for accepting inheritance from my deadbeat father?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I (19, male) barely remember my real father, the last memory I had was that he was yelling at my mother and I was maybe 6 and hiding under the kitchen table.”
“He was a terrible man with an alcohol problem.”
“One day he fled the country and was never seen again, my mother met my stepfather who is a great man, and raised me as his own kid.”
“Just a few months ago I received a formal notice from my real father, telling me that my grandmother (his mother) had died, and he didn’t expect me to go to the funeral, as I did not even know the lady.”
“But he decided to pass her apartment to me, as he was never part of my life, it is the least he can do, he doesn’t expect me to contact him or anything, he wrote that he knows how terrible he was and nothing can excuse that.”
“I was excited about the fact that I could start my life way easier and told my family about it and they got really mad at me, telling me how terrible person he was and all, and that is all true!”
“My mother said that he is probably using that to contact me or even worse, use it to claim that he took care of me so I have to take care of him when he is old!”
“So I talked with a pro bono lawyer about it and she told me that accepting an inheritance can’t be considered paying child support (which he never did), so if I decide to accept the apartment, it does not oblige me to anything.”
“My parents are still mad at me, my stepfather says I should honour my mother’s wish and not accept it, while I believe that it would be stupid to say no and deny a chance to start my life a bit easier than others my age.”
“AITA for accepting that apartment?”
The OP later added:
“The apartment was my grandmother’s—all my father did was say no to the inheritance, so it was automatically passed to me.”
“I inherited everything! An apartment with everything inside it and money in her bank account—that was all she had for assets when she died.”
“From what I understand from the lawyer, in our county you inherit automatically and if you don’t want it, you fill out a document to give it up. My real father was the first closest living relative and refused it, meaning that I was automatically next in line.”
“That means I am accepting inheritance from my grandmother and that has nothing to do with my father. My country doesn’t have an inheritance tax and land tax for apartments is a very tiny amount.”
“He knows where we live anyway, as we never moved.”
“Even though the apartment has not been renovated for like 20 years it is in very good shape and my grandmother kept it nice and clean. The apartment is not ‘modern’, but nothing wrong with it either.”
“For example, the bathroom has boring white tiles while today it is fashionable to have those huge tiles. The kitchen furniture is woodgrain, while today people like highly glossy furniture.”
“There is no inheritance tax in my country and land tax for apartments is a very small amount. The building itself was fully renovated like 8 years ago, so there is a loan for the next 2 years, so the repair fund is higher than similar buildings that are not renovated.”
“After she died, nobody paid the bills, but she had some money in her account and that covered the bills already!”
“I will rent the place out and make some extra money until I finish school, find a job and then probably sell the place and buy a new apartment wherever my job is in the future.”
The OP summed up their situation.
“AITA for accepting the aparment from my terrible father, while my mother told me to not do it? I might be the a**hole, because I did not listen to my parents and still did it.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“Honey, if anyone needs to accept an inheritance, it’s the child of a deadbeat dad. It must be quite unsettling for your parents to have your deadbeat dad suddenly make a magnanimous gesture.”
“I empathize with them, but my judgment is still the same. NTA.”
“Be cautious; I can understand your parents’ concerns. I also wonder if they’re worried you might feel some care for your father because he let you know of the inheritance, and it will lead you to seek a relationship with him.”
“Remind them they are the best parents in the world, and you have no desire to replace them. Happy life, my dear.” ~ Aware_Welcome_8866
“NTA. Turning it into a rental is likely the best choice; it turns into a steady stream of income with minimal time/money on your end, giving you a headstart for your future. Having a reliable stream of income is far more valuable than owning a residence at your age.” ~ onurkneezb
“Your mom and stepdad are just feeling hurt and threatened. They know they raised you, and they’re scared that you will suddenly feel like the man who abandoned you and now shows up with an apartment for you—that he will now be considered as your ‘parent’ too.”
“It’s understandable how they feel. But it’s just a feeling. It’s not logical or true.”
“So you just need to give both of them the comfort, the respect, the acknowledgment that this in no way even measures close to what they have done for you. An apartment can never replace the love, sacrifice, and support they have given you consistently for all these years.”
“Make sure they know you will never communicate with your bio dad again, and you would never care for him because your mother and stepfather are the ones you would be taking care of.”
“Just communicate that with both of them. And for god’s sake, take the damn apartment! NTA.” ~ mantrawish
“Congratulations on your new apartment. Your mom’s feelings are emotion, not logic. Does she really want you to miss this opportunity out of spite towards her ex? NTA.” ~ chaotic-cleric
“NTA—make sure you cover all your legal bases and make sure bio Dad doesn’t have any kind of legal loopholes to have access to the apartment once you take ownership. Make sure you can afford any taxes and insurance on the place.”
“Then take it. Never give up organic opportunities just out of spite. Life is hard enough.”
“Sounds like yours was worse than most. No reason to let pride or misguided righteousness hold you back further.”
“Take it. Take it. Take it.”
“Your thought that it is an inheritance from your grandmother is a good one.”
“Your family will probably not understand for a while, but it’s really selfish of them to let their pettiness influence you so negatively. I’d think of it that way during the emotional time. Hopefully they will see things from your point of view eventually.” ~ marheena
“You are not accepting inheritance from your father, but instead, your grandmother. Do not let their insecurities stop you from receiving a life-changing opportunity.”
“In time, they will come to realize that they were rash and selfish to convince you not to take it.” ~ jojo_jones
“Take it. Your parents are concerned, sure, but this is an inheritance free and clear of any obligations. It doesn’t mean you’re accepting your dad or forgiving him. NTA.” ~ PrincessCG
“My dad had a similar situation when the man who was his biological father died. Dad didn’t want anything to do with him even after death because of how sh*tty he was to him, abandoning him as a child.”
“Lost out on 1.5 million in assets. So his share went to other heirs. He really showed him, huh?”
“Don’t let a false sense of ‘getting even’ cost you an opportunity.” ~ therealsatansweasel
“NTA. Definitely take it—this could change your life and be the only good thing that could have come from your deadbeat dad. I understand why it’s hard for your mom, but she will understand in time.” ~ FoolofaTook43246
As many pointed out, the inheritance is from the OP’s paternal grandmother, not his father.
Any gratitude should be for her.
If it gives him a financial leg up, why not use it?