Content Warning: Pregnancy, Infertility
When two people are planning to get married, they need to discuss important subjects, like how they will manage money and how many children they want to have, before they exchange their vows.
Few things are more devastating than being married to someone for a long time, only to realize the marriage won't work anymore because of a non-negotiable decision, cringed the people in the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor DavoBoy_887 had always wanted to be a father, and he thought that his future wife felt the same way before they got married.
But after they'd been married for a decade, the Original Poster (OP) was devastated to learn what his wife had been hiding from him about having children.
He asked the sub:
"AITAH for feeling betrayed after my wife hid that she could never have kids until years into our marriage?"
The OP was happy with his wife and always believed they wanted the same things.
"I (34 Male) met my wife (33 Female) about ten years ago. From the very beginning, I knew she was special. We clicked instantly; we had the same sense of humor, same life goals (or so I thought), and just an overwhelming feeling of 'this is the person I want to build a life with.'"
"As we dated, I made it very clear that I've always wanted a family. I wasn't pushy about it, but I talked about how I looked forward to being a dad one day, and how I wanted to raise kids and create a loving home together."
"She never gave any indication that she didn't want that, too. She would smile, nod, and sometimes even talk about what kind of parent she thought she'd be."
"A few years later, we got married. It was the happiest day of my life. I loved this woman with my whole heart, and I truly believed we were on the same page about everything that mattered."
But then the OP's wife revealed something he wasn't sure he could forgive.
"Now, a few years into our marriage, we started talking more seriously about trying for kids."
"That's when she finally drops the bombshell: she has known since before we even met that she has a medical condition that makes it impossible for her to conceive."
"Not unlikely. Not difficult. Literally impossible."
"I was stunned. It wasn't even just that she couldn't have kids; it was that she knew all along and never told me. Not when we were dating. Not when I expressed over and over how much I wanted children. Not before we got married."
It seemed the OP's wife had prioritized her fear over telling the OP the truth.
"When I asked her why she never told me, she just said she 'didn't want to lose me' and hoped that by the time we got to this point, I would love her enough that it wouldn't matter."
"She also admitted that she was scared I would leave her and not marry her if I knew."
"And now? I don't even know how to feel. I love her. I loved her. But I can't shake this overwhelming feeling of betrayal."
"This wasn't some small omission. She took away my ability to make an informed decision about my future. She knew this was a deal breaker for me and just… lied by omission."
"I feel trapped. I feel cheated. And worst of all, I don't know what to do next."
"AITAH for feeling this way?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some empathized with the OP about how his wife had lied to him and manipulated him.
"NTA. Even if you had loved her enough, it wouldn't matter. She has completely misrepresented the person you fell in love with."
"Not just about the kids but that she could carry on a multi-year lie without batting an eyelash. What else is she lying about?" - Agoraphobe961
"It's incredible to me when someone thinks a good reason for a lie is, 'If you knew the truth, you would use your agency to make a different choice, and I couldn't allow that.'"
"So many people think this a valid reason for a lie, it's wild." - BojackTrashMan
"I still remember the conversation where I asked my husband if he wanted kids. We were about three months into being boyfriend and girlfriend. I had been scared of it for ages, and I didn't have anything to reveal other than my own position on the topic."
"I was so worried because I'd really started to see a future with him, and that was why I knew I had to do it. Sometimes, you've got to be brave."
"Maybe the OP would have stayed with her and went for surrogacy or adoption. Maybe it really would have been a deal breaker. But she wasn't brave enough to be honest with him and let him decide. She stole the OP's own choice from him." - Bug_eyed_bugg
"My older cousin did this to her first husband. I was 12 when she married him, and I overheard her and my Aunt (her mom) talking about it. My Aunt told her she couldn't tell him she couldn't have kids because he probably wouldn't want to marry her if he knew."
"I felt sick about it. Even at 12, I knew what they were doing was awful. I felt so terrible every time I saw him after that. But I was a kid so I said nothing to no one."
"He found out a few years later when I was 16 and had gotten pregnant. I was visiting them and he started talking to her about how they should have a baby too, and she went nuts on me, screaming that it's not fair that I'm just a kid and having a baby while she is a married woman and can't have kids."
"Her husband looked stunned and so did she, realizing what she had just blurted out. I started crying and just left. I didn't visit for a while after that, but I don't think he ever trusted her again after that. They did adopt a child together, but the marriage ended within a few years of him finding out."
"NTA. She should have been honest with you. That's a huge lie. A huge omission of truth. You deserve better than that." - Frequent_Couple5498
"Lying with the intent of making someone stay with you under false pretenses like this make the lie SO MUCH worse, because it's not just the person lying gaining something, but the person being lied to is also losing something."
"And then you have to do all the horrible retconning. Remembering all the conversations and shared dreams and planning together, which you now know truly consisted of your partner outright lying to you."
"Unless OP's literally never mentioned their prospective future, there's no way she didn't lie to him boldfaced." - Self-Aware
Others agreed and understood why the OP might want to end the marriage.
"This is about as selfish as one human can be towards another. I don't know many people who could stay with someone who behaved like that, that your needs/desires were so unimportant to them." - Beeth21286
"It's wild to me that people get into a relationship and think, 'There is something that I know is incredibly important to the person I supposedly love, but I'm going to bank our entire relationship on the fact they will change their mind about it anyway.'"
"Never get into a relationship and allow it to continue if the only way it'll work out is if the other person 'changes their mind.' This is true regarding anything, but especially when it's an insanely important topic like having children." - CatmoCatmo
"I had a 'secret' that I was nervous to tell my partner in case he wouldn't want to date me anymore."
"Honestly, It still took me too long, but I was like literally exactly like the OP's wife."
"When I thought we were in it for the long haul, like six months into dating and everything was still great, I told him. I did it in the car, lol (laughing out loud), so he could drop me back off at home if it was too much for both of us. And I was terrified."
"After I told him, he was like, 'Okay, that's fine?!' He hugged me and said he thought I was going to break up with him and that he was relieved!"
"Not that I think that they'll always just say it's fine, but they just might! But you HAVE to tell them before it gets serious... Every week, month, or year you wait to tell them makes it worse when you tell them, finally, or even worse, when they find out on their own."
"If it's something you think that they might leave you for, that's even more reason you have to tell them! You're taking away their INFORMED CONSENT to date and sleep with you. And then MARRYING THEM?! Woof."
"I would understand if you want to break up. I wouldn't want to stay married to her."
"But from my perspective, it WAS really really hard to tell him. And it would get worse and worse the longer you wait!! I'm not defending her, because what she did was horrible. She was a coward and she never got the guts to tell you, or she's a lying manipulative bad person."
"I'm curious why she came out with it in the end, I guess actually lying while actually trying for a kid was where she drew the line? NTA." - vron987
"NTA. Complete misrepresentation."
"My partner loved me enough to choose me because I GAVE him the choice."
"I was in a similar situation starting the relationship with my partner who wanted children. It was brought up on our first or second date. I had to tell him that it would be nearly impossible to have kids naturally, and IVF would only have a very slim chance of working if I wanted to try."
"It was a hard choice for him, and I was ready to accept rejection, but to my surprise, we continued our relationship, moved in together, and we decided to be completely child-free together and not go down the painful road of IVF with the low prospects."
"Then I discovered I fell pregnant naturally and have a nearly three-year-old, he is a great father, and we have everything we could have wanted! But we only got here through honesty, acceptance, and a relaxed, safe environment in our relationship. You deserve better, OP." - Rwhitechocmuffin
"NTA. She removed your agency. She deceived you. She robbed you of time to move toward a future you want on a fundamental compatibility issue."
"You will recover from this, my man. But not with her. You need to let her go. She is not for you. She will always serve her own needs before yours, in any way, ethical or unethical, that she can."
"Go have the family you want. With someone who wants you AND wants what you want." - Curious-One4595
The subReddit could understand how scary it would have been to confess that the OP's wife couldn't have children, wondering if it would impact her future with the OP or if he'd still agree to marry her.
But the most important thing is that whether or not to move forward should have been the OP's choice, too. For all his wife knew, he would have chosen her over possible children, but she might not get the happily-ever-after she was lying for by taking that choice away from him.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.