Mom Accuses Foreign Exchange Student Of ‘Disrespecting’ Home With Swedish Birthday Song

The history of high school exchange programs to the United States began in the 1960s with the introduction of the J-1 visa program created by Senator J. William Fulbright as part of the Mutual Educational and Cultural Exchange Act aimed to “promote cultural understanding and education” between different countries.

My small town in Northern Maine had a history of hosting exchange students, which I found odd. In the 1980s when I was in junior high and high school—which were housed in the same building—we averaged around only 200 students in grades 9-12.

My class was tied with the class of 1961 as the largest class ever with 56 graduating seniors. But in our case, four of those kids were exchange students—one each from Brazil, Costa Rica, Germany and Mexico.

I always wondered if they felt cheated being sent to a very remote, rural area of northern Maine instead of something closer to a big city. It was a great experience for us, but I don’t know how great it was for them.

They were, of course, too polite to complain.

A husband whose family is hosting an exchange student turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.

SweetNo6434 asked:

“AITA for not supporting my wife when she started to cry about a Swedish tradition?”

The original poster (OP) explained:

“I (52, male) and my wife (47, female) already have three kids (13, male; 13, female; and 20, female) but a few months back we felt like we could use a breath of fresh air, so we signed up to take a foreign exchange student for a year.”

“We got a 16-year-old Swedish girl that I will call Sara and that has worked very good. She’s very open and honest and loves to share how things are in Sweden and how different things are here in the US.”

“It was her birthday just a few days ago, so we gathered around the laptop while she was face-timing her family and they started singing in Swedish. But the song was particularly longer and more repetitive, so after the call I asked her about it.”

“She explained that some families in Sweden sing a song where they talk about shooting, hanging and drowning the birthday person after they turn 100.”

“My wife overheard this and started to get annoyed because in her words ‘it was inappropriate and extremely disrespectful to her household’ when they sang that without her knowing.”

“My wife isn’t naturally sensitive to bad language or words, but when she was born she had a 60-year-old dad. He died when he was 96, so she is more conscious about how elderly people can feel just before they are about to die and she felt like the song was making fun of people when they are old and sick.”

“Me and the twins were embarrassed while standing there, so I asked her to calm down and that it’s just a Swedish joke song that isn’t even meant in that way, but she just started ranting about it was her house too and she shouldn’t be afflicted with such derogatory language behind her back.”

“Sara obviously felt bad and tried to apologize and said that she didn’t mean to be disrespectful in that way. That it was just her family singing the song, but my wife just stormed out and yelled how she couldn’t believe we had taken in a girl from such a cruel family.”

“I tried to talk to her in our room—right after I assured Sara that she didn’t do anything wrong and to just pay no mind.”

“My wife was apparently more upset at me for not supporting and agreeing with her and started to cry about how I knew what she had gone through concerning her father, but didn’t back her up.”

“The house has been extremely tense—especially when all of us are in the same room—but I really don’t understand how a Swedish song could make her so upset. But I’m wondering if I should have taken my wife’s side and been more sympathetic.”

“AITA???”

The OP summed up their situation.

“I didn’t support my wife when she got offended at a joke birthday song I knew could be personally traumatic for her.”

Redditors weighed in by declaring:

• NTA – Not The A**hole
• YTA – You’re The A**hole
• NAH – No A**holes Here
• ESH – Everyone Sucks Here

Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).

Several people shared more information about the Swedish birthday song.

“NTA. Here’s the joke.”

“First verse: ‘May she live for 100 years—of course she’ll live for 100 years!’.”

“Second verse: ‘When she has lived for 100 years – then she will be pushed (the swedish word for push is the same as ‘shoot’) …. ON A WHEELBARROW!.”

“Third verse: ‘When she has been pushed (shot) on a wheelbarrow—then she will be hung… UPON A HORSE!’.”

“Fourth verse: ‘When she’s been hung upon a horse—she will be drowned (same as the word for drenched)….IN A LAKE OF CHAMPAGNE’.”

“It is incredibly harmless and only becomes morbid once the person reaches their eighties, when the first verse becomes, in effect if not in fact, ‘May she live for another 20 years at least’.” ~ Ok_Narwhal_9200

“We always sung donkey instead of horse and it was drowned/drenched in a big glass of champagne, but yeah, this is what the song is about. It’s 100% celebratory. Usually you just sing the first verse, but as a kid I loved all the extra verses.” ~ WickdWitchoftheBitch

“Yeah, I wonder if it’s regional because I’ve never heard people say horse, or a lake of champagne instead of just bottle of champagne.”

“We also used an additional verse about suffocating them with hugs, but I think that might be something my school made up because I haven’t heard it in other places.” ~ Raemle

“It sounds like that wedding toast, ‘if you have to cheat, cheat death, if you have to lie, lie with me forever’ kind of thing.” ~ impossibleoptimist

“Exactly. It’s a play on words. First it sounds horrible, then they finish the sentence making it funny and not violent or bad at all.” ~ Freudinatress

“Hopefully OP sees this and can calm his wife down by explaining it was a translation misunderstanding. And also, OP’s wife needs to apologize to Sara. NTA.” ~ SuspiciousZombie788

“This woman has no business hosting an exchange student if she can’t understand cultural differences and traditions. This song is the Swedish happy birthday song.”

“It would be like a Swede getting upset at an American and their family (!) who sang the Star Spangled Banner because it glorifies bombs or something similarly ridiculous.”

“The student needs support and family traditions on her birthday, not criticism. Holy cow.” ~ t1dmommy

“Exactly like having a meltdown over a child innocently singing about ‘the bombs bursting in air’ because it’s the American national anthem. The utter foolishness of this 47-year-old woman.” ~ Alternative-Quiet854

“That was my thought. It’s a cultural exchange, and Sara’s going to remember her time as an exchange student as stressful, because she had a rude host mom who blamed her for her own culture. Your wife is so completely rude here. NTA.” ~ almaperdida99

“Translations can be tricky and no doubt young Sara’s English skills were not up to explaining it well. NTA. Your wife owes her an apology.” ~ Maximum-Swan-1009

“And this translation even sounds harsher than it is. It’s the BIRTHDAY SONG which is so so important.”

“Everyone sings this song. This is literally how you sing ‘happy birthday’ in Swedish.”

“We sang this in elementary school, yes all the verses. It’s a celebratory song wishing someone to be celebrated.” 

“OP, NTA, your wife lost it over the Swedish birthday song! Its not literal, it’s a song!” ~ flaggingpolly

“With this translation, the song is clearly a play on words and a joke. NTA.”

“OP, your wife needs to unpack the trauma around her dad. It’s no excuse for her to go off on an innocent exchange student’s VERY HARMLESS birthday song because your wife refuses to take responsibility for herself and her emotions.”

“Mega yikes, and embarrassing that your wife did that.”

“If I were Sara, I’d report you all to the exchange program. Screaming and crying at the student who is thousands of miles away from home for literally no reason is borderline abusive.”

“Your wife needs help for real. She drug an innocent girl halfway across the world to liven up her own life, and now she screams at her on her birthday‽‽”

“Unhinged behavior. Step one is your wife apologizing profusely for being an absolutely ridiculous fool and treating Sara like that.”

“You did the right thing at first, but you also have a responsibility acting in loco parentis [Latin term meaning ‘in place of a parent’] for that girl to set things right and protect her from your wife’s unhinged outrage.” ~ Curious-Pea9398

“And on her birthday, too. Her one birthday as an exchange student, which should have been special, and can be difficult when you are far away from your family, will forever be marked by OPs wife’s crazy behavior. Sad. Poor Sara. NTA.” ~ Elmy50

“NTA. I’m sorry, but your wife makes me so mad. I’m disgusted. She is an adult who took her unresolved issues out on a 16-year-old child who is alone in a foreign country.”

“Poor Sara. Can you imagine how awful and scary this must be for her? What is the rest of her stay going to be like for her?”

“The song is not cruel. It’s a play on words. It’s a common song, like your ‘happy birthday’.”

“Your wife needs to reflect on herself and seriously apologize to that poor child. Don’t take in another child again. Your wife is not fit to care for children.” ~ Melin_Lavendel_Rosa

The OP provided an update:

“I have read all of the comments. I was even up late at night to read them all and I’m very thankful that so many people gave their input on my situation.

“I first talked to my wife this morning and showed her SOME of the comments after last night. At first, she was pissed I wrote out our personal information, but I explained that I didn’t write anything that could trace back to us, and she calmed down.”

“I first want to mention that, no, my wife is not jealous of Sara in that way, and I’m not attracted to Sara since some comments said that. And also my wife is not psychotic or narcissistic.”

“I agree it was a horrible way to treat a guest, and we have already talked to our organization, and they are currently looking for a new host family for Sara.”

“My wife is still upset but is starting to feel incredibly guilty and has apologized. But I understand that no amount of sorry will make Sara feel safe in our home again.”

“Tensions are still high, but I showed Sara some of the comments and she finds it hilarious and comforting. I again assured Sara that she didn’t do anything wrong and that dark children’s songs are in every culture and don’t harm anyone.”

“And to answer some other questions, no, my wife doesn’t usually do this, and she started to panic when I talked to her about what she actually said and how Sara probably feels being trapped in our house in a foreign country.”

“I also showed her the true meaning of the song by one of the comments, which caused her to almost have a panic attack that I needed to guide her through.”

“We will investigate this further since I know some of you had theories about how it could be menopause, so we will look into that.”

“Again thank you for for the advice on how to face this, but I want to mention that a lot of people assumed a lot of horrible things about my wife and I wanted to clear that up.”

It’s unfortunate that the OP’s children will be deprived of the chance to learn more about another culture and that Sara was traumatized on her birthday while so far from home.

Hopefully, the OP’s wife will get the help she clearly needs.