A lot of songs focus on love and commitment or the lack thereof.
But before any vows are uttered, should a woman stand by her man or say bye-bye-bye at the first sign of adversity?
A woman who opted for the former while her mother and sister campaigned fof the latter led to a family confrontation. A confrontation that the man in question found highly amusing.
After being criticized for his mirth, the man turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Crafty_Score4837 asked:
"AITA for laughing when my future mother-in-law (MIL) and (SIL) got chewed out by my fiancée?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I (27, male) am getting married to my fiancée (26, female) later this year. She's an incredible woman and I'm the luckiest man alive to have her in my life."
"Unfortunately, she comes attached to a very entitled and self-absorbed family. I genuinely don't know how my fiancée ended up as amazing as she is with these people around."
"The main players in this conflict are my future MIL (53, female) and SIL (24, female)."
"When my fiancée and I announced our engagement last year, SIL had a complete breakdown, throwing a full-on tantrum that she deserved to get married first and my fiancée should be forced to wait."
"I was so confused by this reaction, but my fiancée just looked bored, which confused me even more. Apparently, her sister does this a lot when she feels she deserves something more than my fiancée."
"MIL took SIL's side, saying that dating wasn't as easy for her. My fiancée always tells them off for being annoying and ridiculous, and they hate it, which is kind of funny to me."
"So here's where I need some help."
"Three weeks ago, I got into a nasty car crash, and my left leg is broken in multiple places. The doctors say I'll likely have a permanent limp even after I heal because of how bad the injury is, and I might even need a cane."
"My fiancée is an absolute angel and has been by my side every step of the way. I'm going to need a couple different surgeries and some serious physical therapy before I can properly walk again, and she's been pushing my wheelchair since I got home."
"MIL and SIL stopped by yesterday, and that's where the trouble is. SIL asked my fiancée when she would be leaving me."
"Flat out while I was in the room."
"MIL also chimed in, saying a wheelchair or cane would look horrible in wedding pictures, so it would be best for her to cancel and leave. I was horrified."
"But I didn't even get to open my mouth before my fiancée went absolutely ballistic at her mom and sister. She told them that they were delusional if they believed she was that shallow."
"She kicked them out almost immediately saying she was done and over their BS. They both looked like they sucked on extra sour lemons."
"I couldn't help laughing at their expressions. This was apparently what did it for them, and they both huffed off, still insisting they were just looking out for my fiancée."
"I laughed for a solid couple of minutes before calming down. My fiancée just looked so exhausted, so we had some cheer-up snuggles."
"I've been getting messages from SIL all day saying that me laughing at them wanting my fiancée to not have to spend the rest of her life looking after me was completely uncalled for, and I'm an a**hole."
"She makes it sound like I'm completely paralyzed and I'll need 24/7 care until I die."
"I don't think I did anything wrong, but what do you guys think? Should I have kept my laughter to myself?"
"AITA?"
The OP summed up their situation.
"Am I the a**hole for laughing when my fiancée chewed out her mom and sister?"
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"The only thing you've done wrong is not blocking these malignant morons' numbers. NTA."
"You could ask your fiancée how you can support her in her decision-making about her family, and maybe get her some flowers to say thank you for standing up for your relationship and generally being an awesome human." ~ thfemaleofthespecies
"Should you have kept your laughter to yourself?"
"Well, they didn't keep their stupidity, arrogance, and lack of empathy to themselves, so I guess you're even."
"NTA. Not by a long shot. Good luck with your recovery." ~ Lex-tailonis
"They are acting ridiculously, therefore they deserve to be ridiculed. I'd be laughing at them every time they tried to pull this sh*t—provided my partner was OK with it."
"It's a better response than getting angry—it shows that you're not fazed by their idiocy. NTA for laughing at self-absorbed idiots." ~ Equivalent_Mode5378
"NTA, and I think you know it. People who say you're mean or an a**hole for responding to their bad behavior are just narcissists."
"Maybe the reason why the younger sister has a hard time dating is how she treats other people. You and your fiancée may not have said the 'for better or worse, in sickness and in health' vows yet, but you're living them already."
"I'd go very low contact (LC) or no contact (NC) with her family and focus on making your own together. Not just because you don't deserve that drama, but it seems like she is upset over her family and their behavior." ~ justanother1014
"NTA. But your fiancée needs to learn that just because she's learned to cope with them, doesn't mean she HAS to keep on coping."
"The mental weight of their existence in her life isn't worth it. Hopefully, she puts hard boundaries in place or goes LC/NC if those things are beneficial to her." ~ Rohini_rambles
"To be clear, even if you'd been permanently paralyzed and needed 24/7 care, what they said would still be way out of line."
"But I'm very glad that your injury wasn't quite as bad, though it's still horrible of course. Wishing you a speedy recovery."
"And absolutely NTA. They're very cruel people and I'd be blocking their numbers in a heartbeat."
"I'd be booking my significant other a spa day for them to have a day of relaxation if I were you." ~ canyonemoon
"You know how when you're arguing with someone, and they run out of material to substantiate their points, they'll start picking apart your tone? This is that."
"I'm not saying they realized they're in the wrong for what they said, but they did realize that the current situation makes them look bad. So they fixated on an invented offense that lets them cry victim. NTA." ~ aledethanlast
"NTA. Did they totally forget that whole idea of in sickness and in health?"
"I can just see them suggesting to you that you leave your fiancée for the sister if your fiancée had gotten in the accident because she couldn't be a real wife now." ~ Forward-Wear7913
"I think it's hysterical the younger daughter was having a hissy fit that the older sister was getting married first. When 200 years ago, the Elder had to get married before the younger could come out into society."
"Too bad she didn't tell her 'well, you know I have to get married first because then you're allowed to get out into society and be married, that's how it works in aristocratic families and royalty'."
"NTA. I would have laughed my butt off too." ~
"NTA. Block. Delete. Remove from the guest list." ~ Relative-Plastic5248
The OP provided an update.
"Hey y'all. This thing got a lot more attention than I thought it would, considering how dumb the whole situation is."
"But I'm actually glad it did because I've been reading the comments with my fiancée, and we're both seeing how f*cked up her mom and sister's behavior actually is."
"She said she hadn't even thought about going no contact since she was just so used to their BS, but now we're really talking about pulling the trigger."
"MIL and SIL have also officially been uninvited from the wedding, which they did not take well, especially MIL. SIL is blocked on my phone now, but she and MIL still message my fiancée."
"It's a little hard for her to block them completely just yet, but we'll keep working on it."
"And for those of you who've asked where the father-in-law (FIL) was during all this, I don't actually know. He divorced MIL a long time ago and doesn't have contact with her or his daughters anymore."
"My fiancée says she doesn't care or miss him because he was just as bad as MIL and SIL."
"Lastly for those asking, yes, I absolutely did spoil my fiancée later after they left. I already mentioned snuggles, but we also got her favorite take out and binged this new show she's been wanting to check out."
"It was actually really good. We can't do much bedroom-wise right now, but I promise if I could, I would have."
"I'm not sure if I'll update again. Maybe if something significant happens. But until then, I have a surgery to prep for in the next two weeks."
With all due respect to the OP's future in-laws, sometimes the trash takes itself out.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp