The decision to have – or to not have – kids is a big one, to put it incredibly mildly, so it’s no surprise that couples’ positions on the matter should be similar at the very least.
Sometimes, though, one or both of the involved parties has a change of heart.
Usually in that case, they would have a deep conversation and discuss a course of action.
In other cases, one person changes their mind and goes ahead with their individual plan without telling the other person.
At least that’s what happened to a man on Reddit.
His partner sabotaged his plan to not have children by getting off the pill and tampering with contraceptives, so he turned to the “Am I The A**hole Here” (AITAH) subReddit to seek feedback from fellow Redditors.
Redditor tiredofeditingsh*t asked:
“AITAH for leaving my partner and refusing to be involved in any way, shape or form, after they stopped taking the pill and pierced our condoms to have a child?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“My partner has been on the pill throughout our relationship and we’ve been in a bit of a battle these past few weeks over having children.”
“I categorically said that I didn’t want them and started using condoms for double protection.”
“This morning, she told me that she’s pregnant and I asked how this could happen when we’d been so careful.”
“She admitted to coming off the pill and piercing through the condoms that we have stored.”
“I’ve said that I don’t want this and that I’m not up for marrying into a relationship based on lies.”
“She says she’s keeping it and has already told her friends as, according to her, she’d done the test eight weeks ago and was keeping it quiet in the hopes that I’d change my mind.”
“I have no idea what to do here.”
“Help.”
“I am in England and am 29.”
OP offered an update since his fellow Redditors had some questions.
“Firstly, thanks so much for all your comments. I didn’t expect this to blow up quite so much as it did.”
“Secondly, I want to get a few things straight as people seem to be struggling with timelines:”
“a) My partner and I were due to get married in a few short weeks.”
“We have had many long and involved conversations during our relationship about us both wanting to remain a child-free family over the years that we have been together.”
“Around 2–3 months ago, they started to appear to change their mind, which I feel insecure and unhappy about as it is not something that I want from life, which is why I’d booked a vasectomy through NHS.”
“(I cannot afford to go private as money is very tight, again another reason I do not want children.)”
“b) she admitted to tampering with condoms and said that she’d come off the pill several weeks ago.”
“At that point, prior to her saying that kids ‘might’ be an option for her, we were still having sex and I was under the impression that we were protected as she was on the pill.”
“I have made no secret about how I do not want kids, and she is fully aware of my reasons behind that, which I do not have to share with strangers on the internet.*”
“c) she has shown me a test and it confirms that she is pregnant.”
“I have asked that she get an abortion, she has refused, and I feel the trust has gone completely from our relationship.”
“We are now in the process of cancelling the engagement, which she isn’t happy with at all and has said that I’m ‘ruining’ her life.”
“Now, for those people telling me to go to therapy, man up or that I’m lying.”
“It’s great that you disagree with me but I’d never tell you to attend therapy if your worldview differed to mine, that I should be ‘at fault’ after my partner has lied to me (apparently for months) and that I’m a liar.”
“Here’s a few other things for you.”
“No, I do not like kids and I don’t like entitled parents.”
“I see it the same as disliking dogs, cats or birds. That is my opinion.”
“Not for everyone and not all people have to tolerate your madness. (My disinterest and lack of care towards them is one of the MANY reasons why it would be idiotic for me to be a father.)”
OP then addressed some comments regarding his previous posts.
“Those calling ‘bullsh*t’ on the 21+ wedding venue thing are just wrong.”
“It’s a stipulation of the venue we chose, nothing more and nothing less.”
“The plane thing happened several years ago.”
“The smoking area fiasco occurred over a year ago.”
“Colleagues bringing their newborns into work is a continued pain and just really gets my goat, just like some people don’t like Susan to eat her tuna mayo baguette.”
“It shows a complete and utter lack of etiquette and thought by parents who are coming out in their droves to tell me how wrong I am … about THEIR decision.”
“Will provide updates as and when I get through all the comments.”
“Be kind people.”
Redditors weighed in on the situation with a majority agreeing OP is not the a**hole (NTA), and they urged him to take legal action immediately.
“Reproductive coercion has been illegal in the UK since 2015.”
“Seek out legal counsel as soon as you can.” – Trashmouths
“Do not block them.”
“Send her a text saying it was really hurtful that she went off the pill and broke the condoms without telling you.”
“When she replies, you have it in writing.”
“Go to police.”
“Save backups of the texts.” – Thisisthenextone
“This is stealthing and falls under conditional consent you should read the Sexual Offences Act 2003, section 74: If an act falls outside of the given conditions, then the act is non-consensual and goes against the consent given.”
“You did not consent to her poking holes in the condoms and she has done something illegal.”
“I hope you can document this via text messages and file a complaint against her.”
“NTA” – Stoic_STFU
“See if you can get her to admit what she did in writing or record her(if it’s legal).”
“What she did is illegal, and she should be held accountable.” – Rowana133
“You should out this in the legal advice forum or whatever, you’re clearly not the AH and as others have stated, it’s a form of SA.”
“You did not consent” – RevolutionaryDot3432
“Talk to a lawyer ASAP!” – Similar-Traffic7317
“Time to seek legal consultation with an attorney.”
“Im not sure what the laws are in England, but in the States poking holes in condoms is legally considered Sexual Assault.”
“I would get any documentation you have about this (such as texts of her saying that she’s using birth control or admitting to poking holes in condoms) and whatever other evidence you may have.” – whitefizzy-534
“This is very much ILLEGAL and considered sexual assault.”
“You should definitely break up and seek legal council so you don’t get saddled with loads of child support” – LeftClueless77
“NTA.”
“First get a lawyer and cut off all communication with her (unless you need to get evidence).” – Complex_Storm1929
“NTA and this is one case where I agree on a father giving up his parental rights.”
“That baby has to suffer for their mother’s selfishness.”
“Sounds like your country even has legal ramifications for this situation, I’d get this taken care of asap!” – ExtremeAssistance595
“Try to get her to admit what she did in writing (text or email), then get out.”
“Her behavior will not improve over time and if she’s willing to do that, who knows what else she’s willing to do later” – pizzathym3
“NTA. Your partner violated your trust in a significant and deeply manipulative way.”
“Sabotaging birth control and forcing you into a situation you explicitly did not want is a serious breach of consent.”
“You’re completely justified in leaving the relationship and choosing not to be involved.”
“It’s crucial to prioritize your mental and emotional well-being, especially after such a betrayal.”
“You may want to seek legal advice to understand your rights and responsibilities, particularly regarding parental obligations.”
“While the situation is complicated and difficult, you’re not obligated to stay in a relationship built on deception and manipulation.”
“Take care of yourself, and don’t feel guilty for protecting your boundaries and making the best decision for your future.” – MileyMae2k
After considering others’ advice, OP once again offered an update.
“I spoke to a lawyer earlier today who has advised that as we are not married that I won’t automatically be added to the birth certificate. Woohoo.”
“My ex-partner can still claim that I’m the biological father but without my consent to a DNA test is unlikely to be able to prove it, unless it is ordered by the court, but as I’ve been coerced into this my lawyer thinks ex-partner and family will back down as I have evidence.”
“The lawyer advised that I don’t waive my parental rights yet as it would indicate that I still believe the foetus could be mine.”
“So, I just have to bide my time … and leave the country till this all blows over.”
“The lawyer also suggested that I go self-employed but didn’t divulge the specifics.”
“My ex-partner has admitted to coming off birth control and piercing the condoms, which she said she’d done around three months ago(!) as she knew I was due a vasectomy early next week and thought I’d ‘change my mind’.”
“Has anyone been through this before and managed not to pay out? I think I’ve got a pretty good case!”
It certainly sounds like his fellow Redditors offered OP some solid advice.
Hopefully it all gets resolved soon.