Words have a great deal of power.
People often forget that fact.
That’s why everyone is often told… “Choose your words wisely!”
Sometimes even in the most innocent of moments, words cut deep.
Redditor Quiet-Vermicelli7444 wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback. So naturally, he came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
He asked:
“AITA for telling my mother she’s not a ‘first-time mom’ now that she had a new baby?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I (24 M[ale]) have a good relationship with my mother (40 F[emale]) even though, as you can tell from our age, she had me when she was very young and obviously lacked the maturity to raise me.”
“So I lived with my grandparents, who were then below the poverty line, for most of my childhood while my mother moved away to get her college education.”
“I don’t blame her for her choices.”
“I know she worked hard to improve herself and to get to a place where she would have the means to raise me right, but it wasn’t until I was 11 or 12 that she was stable enough to get me to live with her (bio dad was never in the picture).”
“Anyway, now, my mother is financially comfortable and happily married.”
“She gave birth to her second son a couple of weeks ago.”
“I don’t live with her anymore (we’re not in the same city, it’s a 2-hour drive), so it wasn’t until yesterday that I managed to visit her and see my half-brother for the first time.”
“I noticed she was surrounded by a lot of fancy accessories, so I was like ‘What are those?'”
“And she was like ‘That’s the baby’s Lexus stroller and Louis Vuitton diaper bag of course.'”
“So I said something like ‘You really went overboard huh?'”
“And then she said something that really hurt me.”
“She said she now had the chance to experience motherhood for the first time, and that she was feeling like a first-time mom because, when she had me, she was so young and unprepared and financially vulnerable.”
“So I told her she was not a first-time mom, and I couldn’t understand why she’d say something like that to me.”
“She tried to argue that she didn’t mean it like that, but I was still upset, I just didn’t push it because my stepfather arrived.”
“She texted me after I left, but I haven’t replied yet.”
“I also didn’t pick up when she tried to call me.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“AITA for holding on to this?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“NTA and this is a very tricky situation and I understand why you are upset.”
“I’m sorry that you didn’t get the same response when you were born as your mum was so young.”
“It’s an insensitive thing to say to you and I hope your mother can try to understand why you are upset.” ~ Realistic-Active7230
“It’s only going to get worse because Mom is in a very different place now than when she had OP.”
“She will be a present and attentive mother, spoiling her son, and OP could become very resentful of this (already showing signs of it).”
“I’m torn between ESH and NTA.” ~ busybeaver1980
“Well, for one thing, OP’s mom should be more mindful of what she says.”
“She basically abandoned her first child and is now acting like that wasn’t her fault.”
“As a fellow parent, I am also stunned and wondering what kind of an idiot buys those brands of baby gear.”
“To each their own, but I would say that if OP has any student loan debt or anything like that, their mom should have helped with that before throwing money away on designer baby merchandise.” ~ Individual_Ebb3219
“I was my parents oops baby, my 2 siblings 18 and 20 years older than me.”
“My sister was especially conscious of things that I got, that she and our brother did not.”
“It wasn’t my fault our parents were in a better financial situation, and I was the kid, don’t take it out on me.”
“OP whatever resentment you harbor towards your mom, please don’t take it out on your little brother.”
“Some of my best memories are time spent with my older brother; conversely, some of the worst, with my sister.”
“Choose wisely.” ~ ProudCatLadyxo
“I totally understand where you are coming from and I agree 100%.”
“I can also somewhat sympathize with OP in the sense that not only did his mom get all the stuff necessary and frivolous.”
“But she also went for the top shelf, crazy expensive luxury items that OP likely couldn’t even afford now let alone ever expect them growing up.”
“Part of me wonders what kind of life his mom provided once he moved in and how involved she is now.”
“I’m not saying OP deserves a new BMW but I can understand the bitter taste.” ~ Xipos
“Mom stated she felt like a first-time mom because this is the first time she’s going to raise a child.”
“She didn’t claim she was a first-time mom.”
“OP is feeling hurt because his half-brother is going to have a much different relationship with his mother than he had.”
“He’s going to be raised by his mother when OP was raised by his grandparents until he was 12.”
This is going to be a tough situation for OP to witness. I strongly suggest OP get some counseling.”
“NAH. And good luck.” ~ AbleRelationship6808
“I have to say NAH.”
“Mom didn’t word it the best, and I don’t blame OP for feeling hurt, and am not invalidating his feelings.”
“However, it sounds more like his mother missed having that experience with him, and is making up for it now.”
“She’s in no way saying he’s any less her son, but that she didn’t get to enjoy being his mom from the start.” ~ lenny_ray
“I think she does feel bad she slipped and said this.”
“I definitely understand why you had a hard time with it.”
“But it sounds like she understands she messed up and she is really sorry.”
“I don’t know if this will help you feel better someday but: if someday you have your own kids they will have a young grandma which is nice.”
“Those of us that did the responsible thing and waited, the grandparents are old and not so mobile and able to do as many things with the kids.”
“So although the cultural narrative is to be mean to people who have kids when they are young and broke, there are tradeoffs to each life choice, it is not a black-and-white thing.”
“Wishing you and your family all the best.” ~ Abject-Interview4784
“NAH. I understand why her words hurt you.”
“Yes, she was already a mum before her second child.”
“But it sounds like she wasn’t your primary caretaker until you were over a decade old.”
“I’m extrapolating here, and I apologize if I’m wrong, but she wasn’t able to spend the amount of time with you as a baby that most Mum’s do.”
“She didn’t get the experience of buying baby stuff, making the decisions, controlling the environment, being responsible for a new, little life.”
“I don’t think she’s wrong for being happy that she can now have that experience.”
“I also don’t think her comments mean that you don’t matter to her, or that she doesn’t consider you to be her child.”
“It sounds like seeing the financial stability and comfort your half-sibling has been born into made you feel some things, and your mum’s comments pushed you over the line into being pissed off.” ~ Tattedtail
“Right! Many parents have babies young and are present for their kids.”
“Just not OP’s.”
“If at 40 years old you’re still so unaware that words have meaning, then what have you been doing?”
“It’s one thing to tell anyone you feel/get to be a first-time mom it’s another to say that to the child you left behind so you could better yourself.”
“Everyone is giving this mother too much leeway.”
“OP, NTA.” ~ mikesbabymomma81
“I think it’s also important to point out that she didn’t say the baby was her first child, just that it felt like it because she didn’t get the experience with OP.”
“Could she have worded it better, sure, but I don’t think it was meant to be hurtful.”
“She was also slightly on the defensive because of the comment about the baby stuff.”
“OP, your feelings are valid, but I don’t think your mother was trying to be mean.”
“Take some time to cool off, then sit down and have an open and honest conversation about your feelings. NAH.” ~ gydzrule
“NAH. Your feelings are valid.”
“But to be fair, in your own words, your mother said she was FEELING like a first-time mum, not that she WAS.”
“Your own post states that she spoke about how the experience makes her FEEL like she’s experiencing motherhood for the first time and let’s be real, that is what is happening, kind of.”
“She was young when she had you, left you at your grandparents, and didn’t actually raise you.”
“By her own choice, she didn’t get the mum of a newborn/infant experience with you.”
“I think she knows that her phrasing hurt you and is trying to talk to you and apologize.”
“I don’t think she was trying to be mean or to imply that you are any less her child.” ~ katbelleinthedark
“NTA. Your mother failed to engage that vital filter between the brain and mouth.”
“Anyone with half a brain would have known that comment would hurt you and make you feel like she thinks you don’t really count as *her* child.”
“It’s the sort of comment that tickles those psychological abandonment places and she needs to apologize to you.” ~ kifflington
“I agree. You are NTA.”
“My mom had me at 16 and the difference between how my parents raised me and my youngest sister was huge.”
“They had more money, so my sister had more toys and experiences than I ever had.”
“I was in high school when she was born so she doesn’t remember me living at home when she was growing up.”
“I signed us up for things like cake decorating classes when she was a teenager and we bonded that way.”
“I didn’t blame her for the difference in our upbringing and we have a great relationship now.”
“Maybe you can have a good relationship with your sibling later too.” ~ Forward_Role5334
“NTA. It was a very insensitive thing to say.”
“She may have been 16 when she had you but she’s 40 now and should absolutely know better.” ~ JJQuantum
Reddit understands your frustration, OP.
It’s an unfortunate incident. You have every right to your feelings.
It sounds like your Mom had no malicious intent.
Hopefully, you’ll be able to talk it over.
Good luck.