Mutual trust is the basis of any relationship.
An individual being skeptical about their significant others’ intentions could signal the existence of deeper issues that need to be addressed.
One guy was stunned to find out something his girlfriend needed to get off her chest, and the ensuing drama brought him to the “Am I the A** Hole?” (AITAH) subReddit to seek judgment from strangers online about his uncertainty.
There, Redditor Alarmed_Sorbet8101 asked:
“AITAH For Not Giving My Girlfriend My Social Security Number So She Can Run A Background Check On Me?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
I (27 M[ale]) have been in a relationship with my girlfriend (31 F[female]) for almost a year now. This evening she sat me down and said she needs to have a serious conversation with me and she asked for my social security number. I said absolutely not, why would you need that?”
“And she told me about her ex boyfriend that was basically living a double life. He had a bunch of criminal charges in his past that he’d never told her about and eventually exposed her to some sketchy and dangerous behavior before she broke things off after he cheated.”
“I said okay, thank you for telling me that, but what does that have to do with my social security number?”
The OP continued:
“She said ever since then she’s had her friend that works for the federal government run background checks on people to make sure they’re safe, and because our relationship is progressing she needs to know I’m a safe partner for her so she wants my SSN to check my criminal history.”
“Now, for the record, I don’t even have a parking ticket. I’m a nerd and a gym rat, all I do is work, go to school, play dungeons and dragons, come home, watch anime, rinse and repeat, so I don’t care about a background check, she won’t find anything.”
“But I’m not giving out my SSN. I don’t feel comfortable enough providing that to her friend.”
The OP’s firm stance didn’t go over well.
“When I said that, she got upset and said I don’t understand what women go through, and it’s about safety. And I admitted she’s right, I have no idea what women go through, but that doesn’t mean I’m giving my SSN out to a complete stranger.”
“She says he isn’t a stranger he’s one of her best friends and married to a close friend of hers. And I said Honey, that’s great, but I don’t know him; I don’t trust him because I don’t know him.”
“That’s MY information you’re asking for. You can trust him with your personal information if you want, but no one I don’t know is getting my SSN or critical details. It’s just not happening.”
“And she said that our relationship isn’t going to be able to progress unless I give him my SSN because she needs to know that she’s safe, and she’s offended that I don’t trust her taste in friends.”
“I got up and left at that point and told her I respected her concerns, but her past trauma doesn’t give her the right to try and strong-arm me into giving out sensitive information to someone I don’t know just because he works for the federal government and has access to a database.”
“I used to work for the federal government, so I can say from experience everyone working there isn’t some wonderful person.”
“I’m not assuming he’s a monster or anything, but just working for the feds doesn’t prove anything to me. She called me insensitive and hasn’t spoken to me since.”
“Personally, I feel like she was gaslighting me into giving her what she wants, but I’m not sure.”
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
Many Redditors thought the OP was not the a**hole (NTA) here.
“NTA.”
“I just had a background check completed. I’ve had them every five-ish years for the last 20 because I volunteer with children. Some in state, some federal. I also have been screened by the govt for a permit several times.”
“I have NEVER had to provide a SSN.”
“Sadly, I think your GF may the criminal, and you may be her long-term mark.” – LAC_NOS
“That’s what I’m saying! You don’t need the SSN to run a good background check these days. Everything is there online. Jail records and court documents are free. All you need is the city, name, and date of birth to find everyone’s criminal history WITH pictures to prove it’s really them.” – scartissueissue
“Her government friend is committing a felony. NTA. You want no part of this.” – _s1m0n_s3z
“What’s more, she can do a background check without the SSN. I never had the SSN when I was running background checks on potential partners. It found criminal records with just the info I had, which did not include their SSNs.” – ClubGlittering6362
“If you can get the full name of the friend that works for the federal government and the agency they work for. Once you know what agency he works for contact their Inspector General about how your girlfriend wants you to send this person your SSN so they can run an unauthorized background check on you using their access to government systems.”
“This is not something they will take lightly and will probably spur an investigation. This person does not deserve to work for the federal government! r/fednews may have some additional advice if you want to ask there as well.”
“Also you’ve been dating for a year. If she hasn’t figured out whether you’re a good person or not yet maybe it’s time to find someone else.” – slipperderby
“I was about to say the same thing. My SIL works for the government. Besides, you can find out just about anything by typing someone’s name in on the right or wrong website and find out just about anything you want to know. Juat need to know a few basics. That’s scary…but anyway NTA.” – Severe_Ad7761
“Right. Jail records and such are public records. You might have to go to the courthouse and pay a fee for hard copies, but for basic background, you don’t need a federal employee to run a check. This chick is nuttier than squirrel sh*t.” – sparksgirl1223
“And by the way, if he had access to government databases, he wouldn’t need your SSN to run a background check. Your full name, address, and birthdate would be enough for him to find out enough about you.” – PackageHot1219
“NTA. I am a federal employee who does have access to some systems like that in order to locate people, and it is 100% against the law to use them for personal reasons.”
“We have to try all other reasonable ways to find someone before using these systems. There is something sketchy there. Also, you don’t need an SSN to do a background check. A name and address or birthdate are enough.” – such_a_travesty
“NTA. You don’t even know if she’s telling you the truth. She should be stealing your SSN for all you know.”
“Run, run away. Clearly she isn’t willing to address her trust issues. She needs therapy. Assuming everyone is a criminal and you need proof otherwise is incredibly toxic.” – neverfearcovid
“NTA. Old female here RUN. Do not leave her unattended in your house, not even for ten minutes. What’s to keep her from looking for your documents when you’re not there? Maybe her stated reasons are true. But it’s far more likely that she wants to do a bit of identity theft. She’s banking on you caving because she claims she’s been abused.”
“Lots of us have been, but never demanded anyone else’s SSI number to feel safe. She can run a background check on people finders just fine. She’s snowing you.” – SeparateCzechs
“NTA. You can do a background check on someone w/o a SSN (it may not be as thorough). So she could go ahead and do one anyway. You are right to not give yr SSN to someone you don’t know; you don’t know, for ex, how secure he keeps his information when he’s working on something, especially a job for a friend.” – stroppo
“NTA. Another woman here. This is BS. Using federal database for unauthorized background checks is illegal, a background check doesn’t require an SSN, it sounds like some sort of a scam or, if not, a frightening level of stupidity, and you handled it very, very maturely. Dump her and carry on.” – Content-Plenty-268
“NTA. Sketchy AF. Is this relationship ‘progress’ about moving in together or intimacy? It’s kinda giving me long-distance vibes along with Scam. Trust your gut.” – Nonby_Gremlin
Overall, Redditors immediately knew something was way off about the OP’s girlfriend and they advised him to sever romantic ties with her immediately to avoid being a victim of some elaborate scheme.
They also thought her reaction was very telling and were not mindful of him communicating his genuine concern.