I worked in a donut shop in college. I'm old enough that the Seattle one wasn't a thing yet.
The one I worked at still had "Donut" in the alliterative name and bright pink and brown uniforms. It was the 1980s and I think the uniforms were holdovers from the 70s.
Anyway, all of this is to say that I have experience serving coffee and that stuff will give you at least first-degree burns—pain and redness—and more often second-degree burns—blisters—if it gets spilled on you straight from the pot.
If it's spilled on your clothing, the heat will stay on your skin for even longer and continue to scald you. Burns are from dry heat, while scalds are from liquids or steam.
A woman who also got to experience a coffee scalding turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback after her boyfriend objected to her immediate, automatic reaction.
Technical-Steak6535 asked:
"AITA for taking my clothes off at the Cheesecake Factory?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"So me [23, female] and my boyfriend [24, male] were celebrating our 1st anniversary and went out to dinner to celebrate. My boyfriend planned it as he knows how much I love the Cheesecake Factory."
"I REALLY love their cheesecake—this becomes important later."
"Well, everything was going fine, and we were having a good time until an elderly man at the next table scooted his chair out just as our server was approaching, causing him to stumble and spill hot coffee on me down my back."
"It was obviously burning and startled me, so I instinctively screamed and pulled my shirt up. I'm pretty small-chested, so I don't typically wear a bra, and obviously, I wasn't thinking about that when something hot was running down my back and burning me."
"So I basically flashed all those people at the tables around us. Yes, I was embarrassed, but at the same time it's just boobs."
"I pulled my shirt back down right after realizing what happened, but it was up for about 15 seconds. The server apologized over and over, but it wasn't their fault—it was all just an accident."
"Well, anyway, after this my boyfriend wanted to leave, like immediately leave. He said that I was being overdramatic for the way I reacted in the situation."
"Maybe I was, but it did startle me really bad, and it did burn. He told me I had put on a show for everyone in the restaurant, especially since I screamed when it happened and that we needed to leave."
"I told him it's not that big a deal and that I really want to stay to get cheesecake because it's my favorite. I eventually even offered to try to get some to go, and he was dead set that we needed to leave and didn't understand why I wasn't mortified."
"We ended up staying, but for the rest of the date, he kept saying that the men at tables near us were staring at me and probably thinking about me inappropriately. But I said it wasn't my problem if they're being gross."
"When we got in the car, he told me i ruined our anniversary for making him sit through that and we should have just left and that he can't believe I would choose a piece of cheesecake over his comfort."
"We argued about it in the car the whole way home. Now we haven't spoken at all today."
"AITA?"
The OP summed up their situation.
"I lifted my shirt in the restaurant because coffee spilled on me; in doing so, I flashed people around us."
"It made my boyfriend uncomfortable, and he wanted to leave, and he said it ruined our anniversary because I made us stay."
"I could be the a**hole for making us stay when he wanted to leave, or I could be the a**hole because maybe I was overdramatic in my reaction by lifting my shirt in the first place."
The OP later added:
"My back was really red and had some minor burns—half of the cup went down my back, and half hit my chair/the floor."
"My boyfriend had a zip-up with him, so I went to the bathroom to clean up, looked at my back, and just put his jacket on."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was definitely not the a**hole (NTA).
"I'm sorry, but I would dump anyone who put their 'embarrassment' over my well-being after having scalding hot coffee dumped on me!"
"NTA, and please consider dating a grown-up." ~ Ok_Conversation9750
"NTA. 'Yeah you had your back nearly scalded and your night ruined too, but did you think about ME? For a minute, I had to think about other men thinking about you!'."
"OP should choose the cheesecake again. It's a better partner than this selfish loser." ~ LoverOfStripes87
"Had something similar happen when I was a freshman in college. My boyfriend at the time was waiting for DnD to start up on Discord while I was pan-frying some chicken for dinner."
"I accidentally splash a decent amount of oil onto my arm and it blisters immediately. So I turn off the burner and go out to the living room to get him to drive me to the ER—paid for by college insurance."
"He says 'NO, we are NOT ruining this DnD session for something that happens more often than' I'd like and should be 'used to' by now, being a line cook."
"Unfortunately, at that time, I was a chronic doormat and accepted this. I treated as much as I could, and got him to drive me to the campus clinic the next morning."
"He dropped me off without saying anything and f*cked off to his place a state away. Somehow, this wasn't what ended it because of the young idiot doormat."
"NTA and dump him!" ~ wombogobbo
"When I was 21, I dated a guy I really, really cared for. There were signs and red flags throughout, but I chose to ignore them because I loved him."
"The summer after we began dating, temps in our area rose to 110° F. We were walking, and it was hot as hell."
"I was wearing a tank top with a tshirt over it (a la early 2000s). I slipped off my t-shirt because I was just sweating through both layers."
"He snatched it from me, called me a sl*t for trying to put a show on for drivers, and shoved/punched the shirt into my chest. I analyzed that moment over and over because I thought I'd done something wrong."
"I hadn't. It was hot. He was an insecure a**hole."
"You had coffee poured down your bank, and your boyfriend's reaction was to shame you. NTA. And please lose this loser." ~ Practical-Agenct-456
"NTA. 'He told me… he can't believe I would choose a piece of cheesecake over his comfort'."
"I mean, he'd rather you get burned by scalding hot coffee than accidentally flash your boobs for a moment. He put his 'oh no, boobs!' freakout over your well-being. So, there's that." ~ IndigoRose2022
"NTA and I would rethink the boyfriend if he cares more about people potentially getting a glimpse of your chest than about the fact that your back was just burned."
Honestly, he should have tried to get you another shirt to wear. If the restaurant didn't have any of their merch at the store—there are Cheesecake Factory shirts—maybe one of you had a sweater in the car."
"Or he might have checked to see if there was a store open nearby to go buy one. He could have been the hero and saved the day!" ~ ParsimoniousSalad
"Seriously! Probably at least half the servers and cooks had a spare shirt stashed away somewhere in case of spilling sh*t on themselves, because it does happen."
"One time in college chem lab I spilled some medium concentrated hydrochloric acid on myself and had to drop trou right there in front of God and everybody."
"Nobody had spare pants, so I gave my lab partner my wallet and asked her to run to the campus bookstore and buy the cheapest sweatpants she could find, plus a snack or something for herself in exchange. She thought it was a fair deal." ~ sailor_moon_knight
"My husband would have ripped his shirt off and given it to me faster than I would know. NTA." ~ MadamTruffle
"NTA. Whipping off the affected clothes is honestly what you're supposed to do when you get hot liquid on you."
"You wanna get that sh*t away from your skin ASAP; a few seconds can absolutely make the difference between a first and second or second and third-degree burn."
"Nobody tried to call the cops on you for indecent exposure, so clearly everybody else understood that taking your shirt off wasn't inappropriate in context."
"And frankly after getting hot coffee spilled on you, you DESERVED some dang cheesecake! You earned that cheesecake!" ~ sailor_moon_knight
"My dad had an accident when I was in high school and had 2nd degree burns on his chest, and his doctor told him he was lucky his coworkers cut his shirt away so quickly because it could have been 3rd degree easily."
"It's completely appropriate to react in this way, and I totally agree; cheesecake was well deserved after that." ~ NeedleworkerNo777
No one was shocked or mortified by the OP's reaction to being scalded, but her boyfriend's response left many people angry or annoyed.
The OP didn't provide an update.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.