In a relationship, it can be healthy for partners to have free time to themselves.
Everybody has a hobby they like to indulge in.
A little “Me” time can go a long way to happiness.
That’s why it can feel like an annoynace when one’s partner has a lot of questions or requests that feel like restrictions on “Me” time.
Redditor molten_dragon wanted to discuss their experience and get feedback, so they came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
They asked:
“AITA for ‘controlling’ my wife’s free time?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“My wife and I are in our early 40s with a couple of kids, so our lives are pretty busy.”
“We try our best to give each other one night a week to ourselves.”
“Our free time to unwind or pursue solo hobbies or whatever.”
“When the weather is nice, my wife often likes to go hiking.”
“Sometimes with her sister, sometimes with our dog, sometimes by herself.”
“If she’s going hiking, I ask her to let me know where she’s going and roughly when she’ll be home.”
“I want to know so in case something happens I know when to be concerned and where to start looking.”
“She’s grumbled about it a little bit before, but it’s mostly never caused any issues until a couple of days ago.”
“She had her free time night on Monday and told me she was hanging out with her sister.”
“Tuesday morning, I asked how her sister was doing and if they had fun.”
“She told me everything was good, and they had a good time hiking together.”
“I said something like ‘Hey, please remember to let me know where you’re going and when you’ll be home if you’re going hiking’ and she blew up at me.”
“She said she’s so tired of me trying to control her free time and that it’s not fair of me to try and micromanage what she does and where she goes when she never does that to me.”
“It devolved into an argument from there, and we’re both still pretty annoyed about it.”
“From my perspective, it’s not about controlling her, it’s about safety.”
“She’s out in the woods, sometimes after dark, sometimes by herself.”
“She isn’t always in areas with cell phone coverage.”
“I worry that if she gets hurt or lost or something else happens to her, I wouldn’t have a clue where to send help unless she tells me where she’s going to be.”
“She argues that she doesn’t ask for that kind of information from me when I’m having free time, but I’m not doing activities that involve the same sort of risks.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“Am I the a**hole for wanting to know where she is and when she’ll be back when she’s out hiking?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“If she’s going hiking, I ask her to let me know where she’s going and roughly when she’ll be home.”
“This is Hiking Safety 101.”
“Anyone who hikes, especially solo, should tell someone where they’re going, with an estimated time back.”
“Twisted ankles happen, and so does getting lost.”
“I find her emotional reaction to your common sense to be very disproportionate.”
“In all honesty, I have to wonder if she is really going ‘hiking.'”
“She was very defensive and launched into a tirade over a simple question. NTA.” ~ EmploymentLanky9544
“I took a wilderness course in college that involved going out hiking and primitive camping for the night.”
“The first thing the professor taught us was when hiking, always tell someone where you’re gonna be hiking and give them a timeframe that they should hear back from you that you made it back to your car.”
“I’m not sure why the wife has such a problem with this.”
“When I was younger and in college, I always told my mom where I was hiking and that if I didn’t call her back by X time, it’s time to be concerned.”
“It’s just safety, not about control.” ~ ltfsufhrip
“Jumping on the top comment.”
“We are a family of hikers.”
“I’ve been hiking and backpacking since I was a kid and am very comfortable in the backcountry.”
“But I never leave without a hiker’s heads up.”
“All it takes is a second for something to go wrong.”
“Even on short, easy hikes.”
“In my opinion, OP’s wife is being reckless.”
“Unless OP is giving her some reason not to tell him when she hikes, she’s totally in the wrong.”
“OP is NTA.” ~ truckergirl1075
“I’m a scouter, and the first thing we pound into the kid’s heads is that you always tell someone where you are going and when you will be back.”
“Like we start with it when they are in kindergarten because it’s the only way we can keep them safe at camp.”
“Now that the kids I work with are teenagers, they yell at me if I forget to give my kid full details of the trail I am heading to and when I will be back.”
“It’s so easy to take a wrong turn or slip on a rock (especially if you are somewhere where it’s spring right now and the trails are muddy), and all it takes is a 10-second text to a loved one so they know where to find you.” ~ kennedar_1984
“NTA at all, and I’m quite appalled at the YTA votes here.”
“What you’re asking for here is basic communication.”
“Any responsible hiker shares their trip plan with at least one person, if not multiple.”
“My wife and I spend a majority of our spring/summer/fall time in the mountains; camping, hiking, backpacking, canoeing, kayaking, and biking.”
“Even if we’re just going on a front country camping trip for a few days, we tell both of our families our plans, including estimated departure and arrival times.”
“We also let them know when we leave and when we’re on our way back home (as soon as we get cell reception).”
“Your wife is being incredibly blind to the risks that she’s taking by not communicating with you.”
“Not to mention being extremely shortsighted and selfish.”
“Anything can happen in the outdoors, and you must be informed of the plans.” ~ First_Tumbleweed9296
“Look up the YouTube channel ‘Kyle Hates Hiking.'”
“It’s a channel run by a guy who actually loves hiking who discusses True Crime in the hiking space.”
“Whether it is people just disappearing, getting kidnapped, getting caught by a wildfire, or running into serial killers in the woods.”
“I think she would benefit from understanding why you are so concerned.”
“Absolutely NTA.”
“I try to tell my partner where I am, and I have my location shared to them cause I also do Uber part time.”
“It’s dangerous out there for women.”
“Though be careful cause some of those true crime stories might put you or her off hiking, and she might get even madder at you for ruining something she loves.” ~ Pocket_Pixie3
“NTA because it seems like hiking is the only activity you have asked to be notified about.”
“I’m assuming you don’t ask to be notified if she goes shopping or to the movies.”
‘Someone who isn’t going along should always know roughly where you are and when you will be done with outdoor or water activities.” ~ Violetmints
“Oh, super NTA.”
“I would say in your wife’s defense that as a female hiker who really values the serenity that comes with being in the outdoors.”
“I do understand her getting a little prickly about feeling like she has to ‘report’ about her location, BUT she’s not at all right to lash out at you.”
“In my less pragmatic moments, I sometimes feel annoyed when my partner asks for check-ins when I’m hiking because it’s like a reminder that I’m not actually disconnecting from the stress and responsibilities of the real world (i.e. checking in becomes a “task” when I don’t want to think about responsibilities and just decompress).”
“But then I remember that I’m a woman in the woods and really, really appreciate my partner looking out for me if the worst case scenario were to happen.”
“Also, sometimes it feels shi**y to have a reminder that I am vulnerable in the woods when I like to see it as my happy place.”
“Maybe try to have a conversation once she’s cooled off to make super clear that it’s not about surveillance but about wanting to be a resource for her if she were to encounter trouble or an accident on the trail.”
‘This seems like a good opportunity to share your thoughts and make some room for her to put words to hers instead of lashing out.” ~ tomatoisafroot
“What do we mean by hiking here?”
“Hiking in certain areas means walking in nature parks that have workers walk around before closing.”
“Hiking in other areas is, well, actual hiking.”
“Also, when she is hiking with other people, is there someone besides yourself who is aware of where they are going?”
“Did her sister tell anyone?”
“Finally, did you reciprocate, informing her about your whereabouts?”
“Is informing the other about location and timing something that affects both of you, or does it solely affect her due to differences in habits?”
“While it’s important to have someone be aware of where people are while hiking, I don’t think it’s always necessary for you to be that point person for your wife when she is with other people.”
“NTA in general because safety is important but it doesn’t sound like you are approaching this in a way that your wife appreciates and asking for check-ins when she with other people isn’t coming across well.”
“Take some time to collect your thoughts and see if there’s a different way you can approach this to help connect with your wife.”
“She should feel like you two are teammates looking out for each other, not like someone who needs a protector and supervisor.” ~ EmpressJainaSolo
“NTA. Your wife is acting like a single person with no children.”
“When you have children and a spouse, you no longer have the luxury of taking off at a moment’s notice without informing anyone.” ~ UteLawyer
“NTA – she is being ridiculous on her own, or someone said something.”
“You are only doing this for her hiking, which is smart as people get lost or hurt daily hiking even in places they know well.”
“My child is an avid hiker and does day and month long hikes.”
“We have a Garmin for both of us, so we know the details.”
“We all tell someone we are hiking on the day we are leaving and the timeline.”
“We can look at the details on the Garmin.”
“This would be the smartest thing to get.”
“She also needs to realize that she will be thankful you ask when something happens (hopefully not).” ~ Ok_Objective8366
“I hope OP reads this because I suspect this is the case as well.”
“When you’re the default parent and carrying the mental load ALL THE TIME, it can get overwhelming, and it’s so easy to lose your sense of self.”
“It’s great that they each take time to explore their hobbies while raising young kids, but what she might need most of all is to have the autonomy to schedule her time and not be accountable to anyone during that time.”
“I’m a hiker, so I agree that for some locations that I hike, I prefer to make sure someone knows roughly where I am.”
“However, not all hikes are this remote/ strenuous with inherent risk.”
“OP, talk to your wife.”
“Try to find out if what she really needs is to just feel free for a small bit of time each week.”
“Lead with compassion and curiosity, not demands.”
“And take the time to ask yourself if these are really high-risk hikes or if she is just out for a walk.”
“There’s a huge difference.” ~Individual-Goat-81
“NTA. Telling someone not included in the trip where you’ll be hiking and what time you’ll expect to be back is basic hiking safety.”
“Even if she’s going hiking with someone else.”
“If something goes wrong in a spot where your wife and her sister don’t have cell phone reception, the situation could get drastically worse if no one knows where they are or that they’re running late.”
“Your wife is a hiker.”
“She should know this.”
“And the fact that she’s pushing back so hard on this basic request and trying to frame you as being abusive for practicing Hiking Safety 101 is extremely concerning.” ~ Primary-Friend-7615
“NTA. If your wife’s hobby was something that didn’t involve going into the woods, I’d say you were being a little controlling, but this is 100% reasonable.”
“If my partner went hiking without me, I’d also want to know where they were going and when they expected to be home.”
“This is important information for you, so if god forbid something goes wrong, you’ll know the general area she was in.”
“She needs to realize that as safe as she might be with her sister, things can still go awry when you’re hiking in the woods, and it’s good for someone else to have an idea of her timeline and plans.” ~ Far_Quantity_6133
“NTA. Every year, an extremely experienced hiker goes missing in the popular national park near me.”
“Every single one of them has a check-in time that if they are not in contact then the national park is contacted.”
“Ask her if she would wear an emergency beacon.” ~ Difficult_Ad1474
“Avid hiker here.”
“I have been hiking regularly for over 20 years, and whether I am going alone or in a large group, there is always at least one person who is not on the hike that knows the details.”
“I don’t just mean where I’m hiking, they know what trail I’m taking, what time I plan to start, what time I plan to be done, who I will be with and they get a picture of me so that they know what I’m wearing that day (a good thing to be able to provide the police or rescue team if something goes wrong).”
“Even the most professional hikers can get hurt or lost.”
“This is a safety thing, not a control thing, and your wife doesn’t seem to understand that.” ~ DeliciousQuantity968
“NTA. You aren’t controlling her free time.”
“You are concerned for her safety.” ~ ButItSaysOnline
“NTA. You are controlling literally nothing.”
“She is making plans by herself, for herself, and you’re asking how long she’ll be gone and where she’s hiking (and that part is absolutely a safety issue).” ~ unreliable_ibex
“There’s a movie about a hiker who didn’t tell anyone where he was going and who had to cut off his arm to survive.”
“She might want to watch it. NTA.” ~ Dry-Bullfrog-3778
Reddit is with you, OP.
Hiking can be a dangerous hobby.
You’re worried for your wife’s safety.
You’re trying to be a good partner.
If you show her this thread, she may better understand your perspective.
Good luck.