Everyone has their own way of remembering their loved ones who have passed away, and some even make it an annual tradition to celebrate their memory either on their birthday or the day of their death.
Those who refuse to respect the importance of these remembrance days deserve serious side-eye, agreed the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Key_Case9842 remembered his brother every year on the anniversary of his death by donating blood and doing a few things that his brother loved to do.
But when his plans to remember his brother overlapped with having lunch with his girlfriend and his girlfriend’s mom, the Original Poster (OP) was shocked when his girlfriend expected him to skip out on his ‘stupid’ tradition.
He asked the sub:
“AITAH for saying no to my girlfriend’s ‘tradition’?”
The OP had a tradition in place for remembering his late brother.
“I (30 Male) lost my younger brother when I was 22. He had cancer and fought very hard.”
“Ever since, I’ve been donating blood on the anniversary of his death every year.”
“I take the day off from work, visit his grave, donate blood, and then come home, relax, and watch his favorite movie. I know it’s a simple, personal tradition, but it means a lot to me.”
The OP’s girlfriend became angry when the tradition got in the way of her plans.
“My girlfriend of nine months, Anna (31 Female), asked if I could meet her and her mom (I have met her many times before and it wasn’t the meet the parents for the first time situation) for lunch yesterday.”
“I told her no and explained again about what I do on my brother’s death anniversary.”
“She got upset and said, ‘Well, it’s my tradition to have lunch with my mom every time she’s in town, and she really wanted to see you! You can do your stupid blood donation tradition any day.'”
“I explained to her that it’s not just about the blood donation. Also, her mom is retired and comes into town frequently, so I could easily see her the next time and time after that.”
The OP’s girlfriend continued to press the issue and criticized the OP for his choices.
“Later in the evening, while I was resting and watching my brother’s favorite movie, she texted me again, asking me to join them.”
“I reiterated that I really didn’t want to and would hang out with her mom next time.”
“She replied that I had embarrassed her in front of her mom with my selfishness and laziness.”
“Since then, she’s been distant. Do I owe her an apology?”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some were immediately angry about the “stupid blood donation” comment.
“I read the ‘stupid blood donation’ line, and I was instantly thinking, ‘She’d be my ex REAL quick.'”
“OP, this is not the kind of selfish person you need in your life, especially since that day means so much to you.”
“You are not the selfish one. She is. You didn’t embarrass her; she embarrassed herself.”
“I would do the same if I lost either of my siblings. I am so sorry for your loss. The way you honor your brother is beautiful. NTA at all.” – MushyGirl89
“‘Stupid blood donation tradition’… After that comment, I hope she’s soon your ex girlfriend. That is unbelievably upsetting.”
“You haven’t asked her to join you, just to leave you in peace to honor your brother. NTA and I’m sorry for your loss.” – SadFlatworm1436
“The girlfriend is showing some really selfish behavior there.”
“If my partner said something like this I’d have said something like, ‘I’m so sorry you lost your brother, I wish I’d gotten to meet him. I have no idea what you’re going through, but I know it’s not easy, so I want to support you however I can.'”
“Then I’d invite, ‘If you’d like my company, I’d love to be a part of your tradition. We can visit the grave together, give blood together, and watch the film together. Or if you want to be alone, that’s fine too, and I won’t take offense. Know my thoughts are with you and send me a text tonight or tomorrow so I know how you’re doing.'”
“But it’s 18 levels of selfish to make the anniversary of his brother’s death about her and her mom and a stupid lunch date.” – SirEDCaLot
“This whole thing is atrocious, but her saying that the way he copes with his brother’s death is stupid absolutely infuriates me! As a mental health professional of almost 30 years, this is a very healthy thing for him. He is taking control of that day and doing things that help him feel connected to his brother.”
“And she wants to mess with his mental health over a random lunch? I’m going to get my comment removed if I say all the words I want to say right now, so I’m just going to stop here.” – Mistyam
“I have been donating blood for almost 20 years. Not as frequently as I’d like because my health is messed up, and sometimes I need to go into some heavy medication, but I never gave up on donating blood despite my limitations, and I intend to keep doing it for as long as I’m able to.”
“So that ‘stupid blood donation’ part was quite the red flag for me. D**n it, it did get me more upset than I thought! I’m about to fume just by remembering it!”
“And offending one’s traditions isn’t good, either. It isn’t the kind of tradition that forces people into bad situations or causes any kind of danger or harm. It is OP’s way to honor his dead brother and cope with his loss!”
“I truly hope this girl learns more about life and respect. She is in serious need of a lot of lessons!” – Vulpes_99
Others agreed and hoped the girlfriend was an ex-girlfriend after that interaction.
“Reddit has a reputation for rushing to tell people to break up, but this lack of the most basic respect and decency for OP and their grief? Run, OP! It will only get worse. You have too good a heart for her.” – Blenderx06
“When I’d been dating my husband for only a year and change, my childhood dog had to get put down. He’d never had a single pet in his life, not even a fish, and yet he still held me and let me cry into him, never belittling my loss just because he hadn’t ever bonded with a pet.”
“That’s why he’s my husband instead of ex-boyfriend. OP, your girlfriend needs to be an ex.” – AllegraO
“The main thing you should take away from this conflict is your girlfriend thinks the world revolves around her. Find someone who is actually capable of empathy.” – TK9K
“NTA. Her lack of empathy is a huge red flag, and you shouldn’t tolerate that kind of behavior.” – No-Blacksmith7458
“OP, it’s your girlfriend who’s selfish, not you. If she truly loved and/or cared about you, she would have asked if she could join you in donating blood. Do it together. Instead, she disrespected your feelings, on a grief-stricken day, and became combative, childish, and extremely selfish.”
“Why couldn’t she be a mature adult who understands the importance of the day for their partner, and either ask if she can join, or just see her mom alone? I’m sure she’s a big girl.”
“NTA. Leave now. She won’t get better.” – Tiggie200
“You know the part that’s really getting me? They have only been together nine months. So this is the first time this anniversary of his brother’s death has come around in their relationship.”
“This isn’t a situation where she’s been dealing with him disappearing on this particular day every year for years and years and is getting annoyed with it (which would STILL be self-centered of her and lacking in compassion, let me be clear).”
“But it’s literally the very first time she’s ever been asked to give him this day to himself, and she’s already flipping the f**k out over it.”
“To me, that says she’s extremely controlling. It’s still fairly early in the relationship and he’s asked for something that excludes her, and she’s already blowing up over it and trying to make him give it up for her. She does not like him having something that she’s not a part of, that she can’t control, and she’s trying to nip it in the bud. She has no respect for him or his feelings, she just wants him to cater to her and build his life around her wants.”
“OP, is this the kind of person you want to be with long-term? Do you want to have this fight (and others like it) constantly?”
“NTA, obviously.” – WingedShadow83
Some also pointed out that the girlfriend owed the OP an apology, not the other way around.
“She owes you an apology for being disrespectful of your loss and how you honor your brother. NTA.” – EconomicsWorking6508
“The fact that she referred to said random lunch as her own ‘tradition’ demonstrates how condescending she is. He needs to run for the hills. She is extremely emotionally abusive.” – AccomplishedEdge147
“NTA. PLEASE, PLEASE don’t apologize to her. She owes you an apology. Your girlfriend is in the wrong.”
“I am so sorry for your loss. Hugs and best wishes.”
“P.S. You might want to rethink this relationship.” – Sensitive-Instance51
“NTA. No you don’t owe her an apology. What you owe her is a goodbye speech.”
“It’s how you mourn the passing of your brother and she had the balls to get snippy with you for missing out on lunch with her mom. OH, THE HUMANITY!”
“A kind, caring, understanding, loving, girlfriend would have understood, offered her condolences, an offer to reach out if you needed anything, and that the lunch invitation was open if you found yourself in the mood to join them.”
“That should have been the start, middle, and end of that conversation. She’s very much a selfish AH in this situation.” – Adoration0x
“You’re not the a**hole for wanting to maintain a personal tradition that honors your late brother. Your girlfriend should respect the significance of this day for you, even if it means changing her own plans.”
“Her comments about your tradition being ‘stupid’ and accusing you of being selfish and lazy are insensitive and disrespectful. You don’t owe her an apology. But she DOES owe you one… or twenty.” – hottie_jesselyn
After receiving feedback, the OP shared a brief and sudden update.
“With your help, I decided I’m not apologizing.”
“I texted her that we needed to talk so that I could end it. Expecting to have one day out of a year and to remember my brother on top of that is not too much to ask for, whether or not her mom is in town.”
“She never replied. She just blocked me from everywhere (social media, WhatsApp, etc.). Her best friend, who was following me on Instagram, blocked me too.”
“I’m not sad. I wanted to end it anyway.”
“Thank you for your support, everyone. I really appreciate your kind comments.”
“Some users suggested that my brother and my remembrance tradition saved me from getting serious with her and a lifetime of misery, and it made me smile. Thank you again.”
The subReddit applauded the OP for honoring his brother’s memory in such a meaningful way and sticking to it, rather than listening to his ex. Not only did they find the ex-girlfriend’s comments appalling, but they thought this was a great example of how sometimes the trash takes itself out.