Though we all make mistakes and have to make amends for them, there are some mistakes that we cannot come back from.
It’s those mistakes that can ruin relationships, even families, agreed the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
After his youngest son cheated with his eldest son’s wife and then married her, Redditor ExpressPolicy734 respected his eldest son’s wishes to break contact with him, even when he was diagnosed with cancer.
But when his youngest son accused him of blocking him from making amends, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if he was wrong to keep the news to himself.
He asked the sub:
“AITAH for not telling my son that his brother passed?”
The OP’s oldest son broke contact with his brother after a terrible betrayal.
“My youngest son slept with his brother’s wife. After my oldest son found out, he and his wife got a divorce, and my youngest married her a year later.”
“My (56 Male) oldest son (33 Male) had cancer and passed away three weeks ago. Over the months leading up to his death, my youngest son (30 Male) and his wife had been trying to reconcile with my oldest, but he always made it known that he wanted nothing to do with them.”
“He specifically told me that they were unforgiven, and he wouldn’t forgive them just to ease their guilt.”
The OP respected his oldest son’s wishes.
“My son was at peace without his brother in his life. I tried my best to get them to reconcile to no avail. “
“oldest had every right to be angry with his brother, and I don’t fault him for not wanting anything to do with him. My oldest was already struggling when he found out that his wife cheated on him with his brother, and it didn’t help when he married her as well.”
“I took the side of my son, who was wronged by people he thought he could trust. If my son showed any ounce of love and care for his brother, he wouldn’t have married her. He can’t try and force reconciliation when he’s still married to the woman who cheated on him.”
“When I kept bringing up the idea of reconciling, he used to get mad at me, so I stopped trying. I just kept telling my youngest and his wife that they had to accept that he wanted nothing to do with them and they needed to move on.”
That included when the OP’s oldest son lost his fight with cancer.
“When my oldest passed, I did not tell my youngest or his wife to honor his wishes. He always made it clear that they didn’t deserve to mourn him in life and didn’t deserve to mourn him in death either.”
“About a week ago, my youngest saw his brother’s obituary and called me, screaming for not telling him that his brother had passed. He told me that I denied him the opportunity to make things right and that I should’ve told him his brother passed.”
“I told him that it would be disrespectful for him to even come in the first place, as his brother wouldn’t have wanted him there, and that he and his wife denied themselves from attending. He hung up on me and blocked my number.”
It created a rift between the OP and his wife.
“My wife told me that she felt guilty for not telling him and that we should’ve given him the opportunity to say goodbye to his brother.”
“I told her that I would just find it disrespectful of us to do so, as he made it clear that he didn’t want them to come.”
“She told me that she understands but she’s upset that our youngest is mad at us and that we should just try to put everything behind us to heal.”
“I told her that what our youngest did was unforgivable, and I was not going to allow him to disrespect his brother in life and in death as well.”
“My wife has been crying constantly because our son blocked us and she started blaming me as well.”
“I’m hurt, but I don’t regret what I did or even see what I did wrong. I feel like my youngest should just take accountability for his actions instead of blaming everyone else.”
“I don’t see how him attending would ever be appropriate. He didn’t disrespect his brother once, but twice. My wife’s the only reason we were ever in contact with him in the first place as we initially cut contact after they got married.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that he had done what his eldest son would have wanted.
“I’m so sorry for your losses. And you did the right thing. Your older son’s death was about your older son and none else. It was his to run as best he may and to make the decisions that brought him as much comfort as there was.”
“It would have been wrong to make your older son’s last days WORSE by allowing the younger to be near him.”
“Maybe ask your wife if her feeling better now would really have been more important than stealing the peace from your dying son? It’s that simple. She can probably find some way to work around it because she’s alive.”
“You gave your older the last thing you were able to give. Good dad. Good man. Good person.”
“Consequences are real. Often, they’re permanent. Your younger is a selfish p.o.s. even still.”
“Maybe tell your wife that she can have a relationship with the younger if she wants, but you want to hear no part of it?”
“My nanna never saw her sons in the last 27 years of her life because of a falling out with my granddad (he was a manipulative a**hole), and it broke her heart. Your wife has lost a son (as have you), and she can’t withstand losing the other. That may change over time (and depends in part on the younger’s words/actions).”
“For both of you, I’m so sorry. My condolences.” – Lumpy_Marsupial_1559
“Your youngest stole his brother’s wife. Because of that, your oldest set a boundary with him. You respected the boundary your oldest set.”
“Your youngest doesn’t like having a boundary, which, let’s get real, he didn’t respect the boundary of sleeping with his brother’s wife, either.”
“Your wife needs to realize that your youngest is just throwing a tantrum after being held accountable for what he did.”
“This is all about your youngest not wanting to deal with the consequences of his actions. Not caring about who he hurt, as long as he got what he wanted.”
“If your wife wants to be in contact with him, that’s fine. But no one should ever apologize or backtrack on respecting the boundary set by your oldest.” – AldusPrime
“Attending would not have been appropriate at all, instead of honoring your late son. Those in attendance would be busy gossiping about your other son and his mistress. There was no reason to turn your son’s memorial into a circus.”
“I think that’s what the cheating son is aiming for. He sounds very self-centered. Nowhere does it say that he offered to help out by taking his brother to appointments or running errands for the family if the terminally ill son didn’t want him around. Or he could have helped financially. Instead, he demanded his dying brother forgive him without any actual amends.”
“And note he doesn’t offer to help out with funeral costs or errands or even ask how his parents are doing. Instead, he tries to make his brother’s death and funeral about himself.” – exscapegoat
“You handled everything graciously and fairly. Even now, your youngest hasn’t come to terms with the full magnitude of what he did. But I bet he’s close.”
“In the meantime, you’re the outlet for his anger, and it sounds like your wife is walking that line as well. It’s unfair, and you shouldn’t tolerate it. Perhaps she should be grateful you kept contact with him at all. Perhaps she favored your youngest.”
“I don’t mean to trivialize what she’s experiencing. It can’t be easy, but you did nothing wrong and don’t deserve any scorn.”
“I’m sorry for your loss, and I’m sorry you’re not being supported like you should be.” – mountcrappish
“Your son made his wishes known. Your surviving son will now have to live forever with his consequences.”
“This is not your or your wife’s fault. She needs to let go of the blame game. Your oldest had no obligation to forgive his brother, but you both had an obligation to honor his wishes.” – z-eldapin
Others hoped that the OP’s wife would heal and understand with time.
“I’m so very sorry for your losses. And my condolences to your wife as well. I agree with many that her anger is misdirected at you but I feel for her as well as for you bc she’s a mom who lost her son and lost the other son (Just as you).”
“I really do encourage you to get grief counseling alone or with your wife together. Please take care of yourself and your wife.” – KimchiAndLemonTree
“NTA. I’m so sorry for your loss. You did right by respecting your son’s final wishes even if your wife doesn’t think so.”
“I get she doesn’t want to lose contact with her one remaining child but it was his actions that fractured your family in the first place.”
“The only one she should be mad at is him.” – _A-Q
“Now that the betrayed son passed away, you can bet that OP’s wife wants to normalize their relationship with their younger son.”
“OP, you did great for your son by respecting his wishes. Your younger son and your wife did not want your younger to face the consequences of his actions. People are not obligated to forgive the harm that was done to them. You can tell your younger that forgiveness comes AFTER redemption. Saying sorry does not count.”
“OP, my condolences for your loss. Maybe go to a grief therapy together with your wife, and obviously she needs therapy.” – Orsombre
“My thought is that she’s having a whole lot of unresolved and unmanageable feelings around losing a son so young. It sounds like she’s unable to process those feelings of loss and grief and directing them at you, since you’re probably the person she’s closest to.”
“Sadly that’s how grief works. It can be entirely overwhelming. Hopefully, in due time your wife will process these intense feelings and see that you handled this situation, which let’s face it, was an emotional minefield, with honor and integrity. You sir, are NTA.”
“I would however advise you to approach your wife with patience and suggest she talk to a professional about what she’s going through. It can’t be easy to cope with a loss of this magnitude. For either of you.”
“My sincere condolences for your loss.” – AnneLavelle
“You and your wife have suffered a parent’s worst nightmare. After your younger son upended the entire family. I hope you and your wife can hold onto each other and comfort each other. You were in a terrible position through no fault of your own.”
“Maybe years ahead, your living son and wife will take accountability and truly seek forgiveness from the living (tho it’s too late for healing from some). For right now please seek any comfort you can find.” – ElleSmith3000
The subReddit understood that it was tough to keep a family apart, but at the end of the day, the OP had honored his dying son’s wishes, and that was what mattered most.
If the OP’s wife was so eager to have a relationship, that was her perogative, but hopefully, they would all reach a point of being accountable for their own decisions and move on.