When it comes to time off from work for health reasons—for either the worker or a family member—and to actual access to healthcare, the United States ranks dead last among first world countries.
With that in mind, scenarios where employees instead of employers are pressured to accommodate a coworker’s illness with donations of money or paid time off (PTO) are very much a United States only problem.
A healthcare worker turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback over a call to donate PTO to a coworker.
AntiYourOpinion asked:
“AITA if I refuse to donate my PTO to a coworker I know will die?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I work healthcare and our department is pretty close knit, not much drama or beef surprisingly.”
“One of our ladies we found out has cancer, docs haven’t given her the absolute certainty she’s terminal yet, but I’m sure with her age and comorbidities she’s definitely going to be.”
“Everyone has been very supportive, but we all know where this is going. She and I aren’t very fond of each other, but I’m entirely professional and have expressed my feelings of sadness for her situation.”
“Many of the hospital staff—nearly everyone in our dept—has donated paid leave for her to take time off and spend with her family and possibly receive treatment, except me. She used hers regularly and has almost none apparently.”
“People have asked why I didn’t and I just don’t want to. I feel like it’s throwing it away for an outcome I’m all but certain will happen.”
“I’m not saving it for any particular reason. People in her ‘circle’ have started talking about how I’m not actually sympathetic to her situation and mumbling little things here and there.”
“I usually just tell them straight up it’s a waste for me to give it to someone who I don’t believe treatment will give them more time to live. Just spend what time you have left with family and friends and be thankful for that.”
“I’m not saying she isn’t worth having time off, it just isn’t worth my own time.”
“I’m unaware of her financial situation and frankly it doesn’t concern me.”
The OP later added:
“My employer isn’t making it known who donates—it’s a group of people that started a sign up sheet type thing for her. Probably to be given to her later.”
“People just noticed other than giving the equivalent to thoughts and prayers I haven’t given anything.”
“We do have FMLA, but it is unpaid unless you have PTO available. You must burn through a certain amount of PTO days or have none before disability kicks in and it’s only 60% I believe.”
The OP summed up their situation.
“Not donating PTO to this woman apparently makes me unsympathetic to her.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors were divided in their judgment as some thought the OP was not the a**hole (NTA)…
“Are you personally willing to hand over a days wages to a coworker you are not even friendly with? That’s what’s being asked of OP. Though their reasoning is a bit harsh, there is nothing wrong with not wanting to give at all.”
“This isn’t a family or community member for OP, she’s basically a stranger who happens to spend 8-10 hours in the same building as OP. Easily NTA on this on.” ~ AstereoTypically
“The employer is clearly making this information available in some way or not naking any effort to keep it private, so other employees can pressure their peers into doing something the employer should be doing instead.”
“It is shameful we work our whole lives in the US and have to beg for time off and feel badly about it. NTA.” ~ fiestafan73
“NTA for not donating because you don’t owe her anything, but the way you talk about it you absolutely do come across as callous and unempathetic to this woman.”
“I wouldn’t be surprised if your coworkers have feelings about that and there’s some fallout. You’re also setting the standard to make sure no one at work does you any favours.” ~ Nerdy-Babygirl
…others felt OP was the a**hole (YTA)…
“NTA for not giving her your leave, but YTA for the way you said it.”
“You don’t owe her your PTO. You aren’t obliged to fund her, but it would be a nice thing to do.”
“But you were an AH for saying that’s it’s a waste because you think she’s going to die. Just because you think she’s going to die, doesn’t mean she’s actually for sure going to die.”
“You calling it a waste also makes the remainder of her life seem like a waste. That isn’t kind or true, and people aren’t going to agree with that un-empathetic stance, ESPECIALLY because you work in healthcare.”
“Calling it ‘wasteful’ also discounts the favor your coworkers are doing by donating.”
“You could have just said you couldn’t donate for financial or personal reasons. Your coworkers don’t need to be involved in your finances, and you could have chosen to not disclose that information or explanation at all and that would be fair.
“What you said was the worst possible option.” ~ Reden233
“Yeah, them deciding that their coworker is on death’s door and then telling everyone else as much is what pushes them into AH territory. OP isn’t involved in this woman’s care in any way, and straight up telling people it’s a waste because she’s going to die soon anyway is callous as hell.” ~ Humble_Plantain_5918
…a few saw no a**holes here…
“This is one of those situations where you’re not at all really the ah because this isn’t someone you have a personal relationship with, you have no obligations. NAH.”
“But office politics are ugly and you did kind of kick the hornets nest. So while you aren’t the AH, you will be treated like it and there’s probably no way out of that, trying would probably make it worse.”
“By the way, she was probably ‘regularly using her PTO’ because she had cancer before she was actually diagnosed because that’s how cancer works. It seems a pretty petty thing to criticize her on now, no matter how you felt before.”
“Dont judge sick people for needing time off.” ~ Facetunethis
“NAH—it’s not your fault you live in a country and work for an employer that doesn’t provide adequate sick leave.” ~ SkyComplex2625
…while some thought everyone sucked…
“I was all set to say N T A, until you said how you were responding. ESH and you are a big AH for the way you answered.”
“‘It’s a waste to give it to someone when it won’t give them more time to live’‽‽ THAT’S THE POINT! If they don’t have much time to live, their family wants to spend time with them.”
“And if they need to take unpaid time, that can seriously impact their family who might have a lot of end of life costs. Will it make the difference between her being able to officially retire or not?”
“You’re going to die eventually….taking your own days (that you’re entitled to and should) won’t ‘give you more time to live’. It’ll just make that time you have better.”
“Why couldn’t you give an answer about you and not about her? ‘I don’t feel comfortable giving away my days if I need them in the future’ or ‘I have personal family reasons why I might need a lot of days’ or even ‘I don’t want to’.” ~ Usrname52
“ESH. You’re not an a**hole for not wanting to donate your time off, and whether the donation initiative is led by your employer or ‘helpful’ colleagues, no-one should be pressuring you or spreading gossip round the office about who is and isn’t donating. That’s immensely unprofessional of them.”
“What you are an a**hole for, is your reasoning—and for being so blunt and unfeeling about it.”
“I mean, they’re right. You clearly aren’t sympathetic to her situation.”
“All of your language is negative—you talk about donating your time to her as ‘throwing it away’ and ‘a waste’, and her potential financial worries as ‘it doesn’t concern me’. You don’t have to be bffs with this woman, but…don’t be surprised and upset when people take the correct meaning from your words.”
“Her needing time off for treatment is not a waste of time. Her needing to maintain her income (and health insurance) as long as possible isn’t a minor thing.”
“And you aren’t privy to her diagnosis details, so you can’t be sure that she’s going to die from this cancer just because she’s old/fat/whatever you’ve decided means she’s a dead woman walking.” ~ Normal-Height-8577
…and many were just disgusted this was even a necessary conversation.
“Nah, f*ck all that noise. It most definitely should NOT be on other employees to sacrifice their own PTO for a colleague, the concept of this is so toxic and ridiculous I can barely acknowledge it.”
“The company should be providing adequate leave for this person given their circumstances. People have lives and their own personal problems that may require time off, so no one should be feeling pressured to give up their own leave.”
“Only in the US would this shit be condoned and tolerated.” ~ DorkusMalorkus89
“No one should have to give up their compensation for doing their job. What needs to happen is the employees pressure the company into giving her paid leave time.” ~ lindz2205
“Why can’t the employer just give her PTO? Why does everyone have to donate?”
“I had a breast reduction surgery in a different state earlier this year. My husband, who worked at the same location in a different position, was accompanying me.”
“Our boss literally just gave us the whole month off and said that 5 days out of every week would be PTO (since we work 5 days a week). No one had to donate.”
“The breast reduction wasn’t for cosmetics. I had multiple tumors, a few were cancerous (stage 1). I was a 34M though, so I also requested to be downsized to a 34C during removal since it was causing so much back pain I could not exercise without collapsing.”
“Since the growth (I was 34C in high school 5 years ago and grew to 34M over the course of the past 2 years, but for a while my bloodwork showed nothing wrong) was a potential side effect of or parallel effect to the cancer, they agreed.”
“I’m cancer free now, it hadn’t spread outside the tumors. My gyno caught it early in my yearly exam in January, which was admittedly my first yearly exam since high school. Thank f*ck I went…” ~ SpiritSylvan
“This is what I think any time HR sends out an email asking for PTO donations on behalf of an employee. Just give them the time off. It’s sickening.” ~ meeps1142
“I’m in Australia, so slightly different, but when a coworker lost their father, my workplace just reset their PTO to the max so they could take as much time as possible. Compassion should be the default.” ~ Wooden-Helicopter-
This is a uniquely American issue. Maybe that’s really the worst part of this.