Some loved ones need more serious help than family can handle.
Bringing other people’s trauma into one’s home can be dangerous for everyone involved.
These types of situations tend to lead to a lot of stress and grief.
So is there a healthy way through for everyone?
Redditor AITA_Throwaway_66666 wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback, so naturally he came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
He asked:
“AITA for refusing to let my mentally ill hoarder in-laws stay at my house indefinitely?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“My I[n]-L[aws] are in their 60’s.”
“Hoarders. Unhealthy people. Not elderly.”
“Saying: ‘Well, this is what happens when you get to be our age.'”
“No, it doesn’t.”
“Eat healthy and take care of yourself.”
“They don’t cook, or clean, their house is falling apart from neglect, neglect their own hygiene, they reek of urine, and have two cats who urinate and defecate all over the house.”
“Their doctors have passively made comments about the smell.”
“They don’t ask for help or consider nursing homes.”
“They seem to be there mentally but are just gross.”
“Incident 1…”
“Winter of 2023, my F[ather]-I[n]-L[aw] (+350 lbs) fell, and he and my M[other]-I[n]-L[aw] could not get him back up. “
“They called the f[ire] d[epartment].”
“FD saw the condition of the house, called the health department, and said they had 14 days or so to fix some of the issues around the house before they would be forced to leave.”
“The humane society came and took their two cats away.”
“I also know they just feed their cats leftovers from the food they get delivered.”
“In my opinion, they should not have the poor things.”
“There is mold, cat defecation, rot, and I would bet human excitement all around the house.”
“My wife said there were trash bags filled to the brim everywhere.”
“They got the house taken care of just enough to meet code and fell right back into it, and now it’s worse.”
“FIL recently beat cancer, but has some wounds/infections on his legs, and they keep coming back.”
“I am not sure about the cause of the infections, but I am certain their hygiene and living environment are causing them to remain.”
“Incident 2 (Today), & AITA…”
“Today, my FIL fell again, a repeat of 2023.”
“FD Called. Health department.”
“The Humane Society took the two cats away, again.”
“They have done nothing to improve the house.”
“I heard my MIL say ‘it’s only gotten worse’ over the phone when talking to my wife earlier tonight.”
“The health department has marked it with ‘red tape’ or a ‘red flag’ or something where the house is not permitted for entry at this time, I think is what I heard.”
“FIL’s leg infections had maggots growing on them.”
“Yes, maggots.”
“He was delirious from the fall and is being admitted to the hospital for a few days.”
“Sounds like a minor kidney injury or something.”
“MIL has been discharged.”
“She does not own a cell phone, and all of her belongings are back at the house which I am not sure they can get in.”
“My wife is on her way to get my MIL and bring her back to our house.”
“I said no.”
“My wife and I both work from home.”
“We do have the room.”
“My wife said she will sleep in the guest bedroom, which doubles as my wife’s office.”
“I feel like in a 14-year husband and wife relationship in a house that we own together, my feelings and opinions should be valid, and we should come to an agreement. “
“My in-laws knew in 2023 they had to do something, and they didn’t, and I do not want to be a shelter for that kind of behavior.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“AITA for telling my wife ‘No, your MIL can’t stay here’?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“NTA, but I would have been more explicit.”
“They can live her,e or I can live here.”
“Because I would have to leave a partner who forced their hoarder parents, particularly ones this bad, on me.” ~ saintandvillian
“MAGGOTS. The dude had maggots in his leg.”
“This is def-con 1 level of f**k that. NTA.” ~ junkfile19
“This. I have helped a hoarder who had to move.”
“It was insanely stressful on everyone involved, but we got them pared down to a reasonable amount of possessions for their new space.”
“Two days in they’d ordered new stuff, picked up things from goodwill that they ‘needed’, and bargained with people who’d taken their ‘good stuff’ off their hands to get it back.”
“Hoarders CAN get better, but it’s hard, and they really aren’t going to do it in the middle of a series stressor like this.” ~ Key-Contribution8550
“Agreed. My ILs are like this.”
“They don’t have toxic waste, but they just seem to accumulate stuff.”
“Their former house was full to the ceiling with stuff one or the other has bought.”
“They have multiple storage facilities packed with stuff, and now that my FIL has passed and my MIL moved into a new house, that place is slowly filling with stuff too.”
“When she goes, it’s going to be an absolute nightmare to get rid of all of that junk.” ~ clutzycook
“OP, I would just have a boundary.”
“If they have 14 days to clean the house, they can stay with you for 14 days while they get the house under control.”
“We were in a nearly identical situation, and we told them they could stay for X number of days, and then they HAD to be out.”
“On that day, we made sure they packed their stuff and left.”
“If you’re worried they’ll refuse to leave, that’s a different thing, but you can have a timeline too.”
“That’s perfectly okay.”
“It doesn’t have to be black or white.” ~ crystallz2000
“NTA. DO NOT LET THEM INTO YOUR HOUSE!!!”
“They will not leave.”
“They will build a new hoard in your home starting the first day.”
“Contact Adult Protective Services to get them help finding somewhere to live.”
“Given their history, they might already have a caseworker at A[dult] P[rotective] S[ervices].”
“It will be very hard to get your wife to understand because hoarding has been so normalized for her.”
“She’s probably taken a lot of crap from her parents with even the gentlest suggestion that they clean up.”
“Hoarders value their stuff more than people, no matter how stained and ruined it is.”
“You say that you have the space, but they’d be occupying what is now a home office.”
“Anything that is in the room that the inlaws occupy risks being destroyed.”
“It is likely that you are vastly underestimating the amount of work they will cause and the fights that will result from their occupancy.”
“The only way to avoid these problems is to not allow them to live in your home, not even overnight.” ~ No_Philosopher_1870
“I think you perfectly hit every nail on the head with this excellent advice.”
“Everything you said about the in-laws starting a new hoard is absolutely correct.”
“My former MIL was a major hoarder, and she carried that behavior with her everywhere, even if it was just a week visiting us.”
“She stole everything we didn’t nail down, so every time she was leaving to go back home after one of our little visits, I would distract her while my husband searched her bags, stealing our stuff back.”
“She didn’t bring maggots to the party, so I guess that was a bonus for us.”
“These in-laws will never leave OP’s house, and he’ll end up not even being able to get into his house after a few weeks due to their hoard taking shape.” ~ cometshoney
“NTA. These people need a higher level of care than you are able to provide (or should have to provide).”
“I don’t know where you live, but if it is the US, call your state D[epartment] of S[ocial] and H[ealth] S[ervices] office and speak to someone in Adult Protective Services.”
“This couple sounds like they are gravely disabled.”
“You do not live in a situation like that without having mental illness.”
“They need to be in residential care, at least initially.”
“Perhaps they would be able to return home with supportive services after some time.”
“I am amazed that the fire department and hospital staff have not initiated something with social services.” ~ enchylatta
“NTA. Is your wife also planning to do wound care, personal care, cook, and clean for two extra people?”
“Where does she plan on working when FIL is released from the hospital?”
“Where will he stay?”
“Look, it’s very obvious these two can’t look after themselves.”
“Call Adult Protective Services and look into care home options.” ~ WhyAmIStillHere86
“NTA. Any visitors/guests must be mutually agreed upon in advance.”
“My estranged parents aren’t allowed on our property, and neither is Monster-in-Law.”
“My husband and I have agreed on this for years.”
“Your wife needs to put the marriage first.” ~ AttemptNo5042
“This. When my mom blew up at my sister and kicked her out, I told her that she could stay at my house for a few days, no more than a week, but no longer because I was not about to torpedo my marriage over her.”
“She went back home that same night.”
“My husband was okay with a week, but no longer.” ~ Waterbaby8182
“NTA, but you need to help your wife come up with another solution.”
“These are her parents, and she wants to help them – that isn’t going away.”
“So whether it is getting them into low-income housing based on their income or putting them up in a hotel or finding an assisted living place for them to stay – you need to help her (wife) figure this out.”
“Right now she’s probably panicking because mom has no place to and it’s logical that a daughter would take in her mom.” ~ SoSleepySue
“NTA. These are people you don’t want in your house under any circumstances!”
“Their difficulties are self-inflicted and only require an absolute minimum of care and work to prevent.”
“They’re not going through a minor setback.”
“If they will do all this to a place they own, just imagine what they’ll do to a place that means nothing to them.”
“You will either end up as servants to them, or you’ll find your own place being condemned by the health department.” ~ extinct_diplodocus
“NTA, but also try to understand where your wife is coming from.”
“I don’t think she should be able to move her mother into your shared house without you also agreeing.”
“But take a moment to put yourself in her shoes and consider the other options.”
“No one wants to watch their mentally ill parents become homeless, no matter how much of a struggle it is to have them around.”
“Maybe if you let her really talk things out with you with zero judgment, just two partners trying to come to a solution, she would feel less like she doesn’t have any options.”
“I don’t know your wife, but I’m willing to gamble and say having her mom move in isn’t her ideal first choice either.”
“Maybe you two can come up with a plan to get them in a home or somewhere they will really get the help they need.”
“Whatever ends up happening, I don’t think you or your wife are necessarily in the wrong, and I hope you two can keep being a team in the face of this situation.” ~ treehuggerfroglover
“You need to get off Reddit and talk to a lawyer in your jurisdiction ASAP.”
“Depending on the laws of your area, you might need to do something before she arrives.”
“Lawyer ASAP. Today. NTA.” ~ SeaworthinessDue8650
“NTA. Show your wife all of the episodes of Hoarders that involve the hoarding family members moving into family homes… it’s always a terrible situation.” ~ Pandas-Brat
“NTA. What is her plan when FIL gets out of the hospital?”
“How will she keep her from hoarding in your home?”
“What about the cats?”
“Their house may be worth more as a vacant lot, but still may provide some support to live on their own.” ~ gastropod43
“NTA. Put her up in Motel 6 for a week and call adult social services.”
“Your MIL probably needs to be conserved and institutionalized.”
“Obviously, your MIL will never leave once she’s spent the night in your house.”
“The destruction of your house will begin the moment she gets into bed, and within months, you’ll have little or nothing that’s worth having.” ~ AgainandBack
“These people need professional help.”
“Do not let them in your home because they will create chaos.”
“I have extremely toxic parents-in-law who have behaved horrendously to their own child, my husband, thus I blocked them completely out of my life!”
“Do the same. Also NTA.” ~ The_Naxian_
“NTA. They can look for a senior facility and live there.”
“From what you’ve described, it would be a nightmare for you.”
“They didn’t do what was needed.”
“Their mental state is something that requires professional intervention, something you and your wife aren’t able to provide.”
‘Setting the boundary will make them look elsewhere.”
“If you don’t your home will become cat pee and maggot central.” ~ Deep_Advertising_171
“NTA, but it isn’t your wife’s MIL.”
“It is your MIL and your wife’s mom.”
“If you let her stay, it is leaving a thought that he can come to stay too.”
“Neither need to be allowed to stay.”
“This is a two-yes, one-no situation, and you have made your choice.” ~ NotAllStarsTwinkle
Reddit understands your stance, OP.
And people are behind you.
This is a disastrous situation caused by your in-laws.
You have every right not to allow this behavior to continue in your home.
It may be a good idea to seek counseling for you and your wife on how to navigate this messy situation.
Good luck.