Woman Irate After Husband Expects Her To Quit Job When He's Promoted To Being Her Boss

Nepotism in the workplace—outside of private, family owned businesses—is usually not only discouraged, but specifically prohibited.

An immediate family member is rarely allowed to serve as a supervisor for their relatives or spouses in most public and private sector jobs.

There are exceptions and some companies or organizations only prohibit a direct line of supervision. If there are middle managers between the family members, employment is often allowed.

One area where family ties often occur  is in education.

Growing up, there were multiple couples that both taught in the our school district and at times a principal or superintendent had a spouse who taught. In almost all cases they were both teachers then one was promoted.

I saw a lot of spouses and immediate family members in higher learning as well. But what if the workplace prohibits immediate family working in the same department, regardless of whether one directly supervises the other?

A wife turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback over her husband's potential promotion and it's impact on her own job.

In a now deleted post, GoldenPerformance asked:

"WIBTA if I refuse to quit because of my husband's job?"

The original poster (OP) explained:

"I (41, female) and my husband (49, male) have been married for 15 years. We both work at the same place, which is a large university."

"He applied for a promotion, and received it. The problem is that if he takes this job, he would be responsible for overseeing the department where I work."

"He wouldn't be my direct supervisor, but a couple levels up. I wouldn't be working with him directly."

"When he applied, he told me that this wouldn't be a problem. Apparently, he was told that I could keep my job, but just report to someone else so I'm not in his direct chain of command."

"But after he got the job, we were told that this isn't possible and he can't take the job until I quit. Apparently it is a rule in the employee handbook (government university so there are a lot of rules) that hasn't really been enforced that well until recently."

"For context, I currently make about 45k a year. In his current position, he makes 125k, and the new position would be about 145k."

"He says that I don't even have to work anymore because we don't need that much money—we are in a low cost of living area, house paid off, and no kids. But to me, it's not about the money."

"I attended this university and worked in this department part time when I was a student, and then started full time as soon as I graduated. I have been working with some of my coworkers longer than I've known my husband."

"I don't want to give it all up just so he can get a promotion, as I would probably be bored sitting at home. I don't really care about professional goals, this job is mostly to keep busy and give me something to do."

"He did mention that I can easily get another similar job in a different department on campus (our university is expanding and these types of jobs are a dime a dozen), but again, I don't want to make such a big change and there's no guarantee I would get along with my new coworkers and enjoy my work like I currently do."

"WIBTA if I refuse to submit my resignation?"

The OP later added:

"If he doesn't take this promotion at this point they won't trust him, and he won't get another chance."

"I don't really care about professional goals, this job is mostly to keep busy and give me something to do."

The OP summed up their situation.

"I threatened to not resign my job. This would deprive my husband of a promotion."

Redditors weighed in by declaring:

• NTA - Not The A**hole
• YTA - You're The A**hole
• NAH - No A**holes Here
• ESH - Everyone Sucks Here

After making several comments answering questions and seeing opinions change because of her answers, the OP deleted the post and all of her comments.

Redditors were split in their judgment with some saying OP was not the a**hole (NTA)—though many cited reasons the OP's later comments would contradict...

"Who told him initially that the situation wouldn't be a problem?"

"I don't think that him turning down the promotion should affect future promotions because he was given incorrect information, and if he'd had the correct information he might not have even applied (or at very least the conversation with you could have happened earlier)."

"The fault for this situation lies either with the person who gave him the wrong info (if it was someone who was in the position to make that call) or for your husband for not getting the reporting chain thing properly confirmed and making his application conditional on that being the case."

"But you're NTA for wanting to keep your job—it's not about the money, the job is more than just money to you." ~ WatchingTellyNow

"NTA. It sounds like you've built a career and community at this university, and it's completely understandable that you don't want to give that up. It's not just a job to you—it's a part of your life that you enjoy and have been dedicated to for years."

"Asking you to quit for his promotion, especially after he originally said it wouldn't be an issue, puts you in a really tough spot."

"It's great that he wants to provide for you, but that doesn't mean your happiness or sense of purpose is less important. You shouldn't feel like you have to sacrifice your career just because a rule wasn't enforced properly."

"Hopefully, you and your husband can talk this through and find a solution where neither of you has to give up something you care about." ~ Little_Attempted

...a few saw no a**holes here...

"NAH. Seek more information from the university. See what they can do to help you BOTH out. You guys sound like ideal employees and they should want to retain you both."

"How they respond may make you feel better about a lateral transfer or leaving them entirely! Best wishes and good luck. Approach this as a team!" ~ eowynsheiress

"I feel like too many people try to approach problems in relationships like a zero sum game. Either one 'wins' or 'loses', rather than seeking out a compromise acceptable to both (compromise meaning neither is entirely happy or entirely unhappy)."

"I know it's not always that easy, but a bit more effort should be put into exploring options."

"Beyond that, if the policy 'hasn't been enforced that well until now', what changed? Do they have a reason to suspect issues with OP and her husband, or is a case of discrimination?"

"NAH, but seems like there should be a bit more effort put into finding a middle ground." ~ brelywi

...and others thought OP was the a**hole (YTA) based on her answers to their questions.

"YTA Specifically because of this one thing you said in a comment: 'I don't really care about professional goals, this job is mostly to keep busy and give me something to do'."

"Don't derail your partner's career goals because you need 'something to do'." ~ Sweaty-Gopher

"After reading a lot of OP's comments and added information I would say YTA."

"And for one reason only, OP, as you personally said this isn't a career and you utilize the job as a social engagement because you've worked with your department for decades and you're a family."

"Transfer to another dept. Husband gets the gig, you retire in a year or whatever." ~ Naive-Atmosphere-178

"Oh man. So at first I was so on your side OP. You have a job you love, and you don't want to leave it. I'm not eager to say anyone should have to give up their job for their spouse's benefit."

"But then you said in the comments that if he doesn't take this promotion at this point they won't trust him, and he won't get another chance."

"So neither of you asked for this situation, and you are in it together now."

"You said you can easily change jobs, but you sacrifice the comfort of you being in this situation you know so well. The cost for him is any chance of his career advancement. That's a very high cost."

"I think YTA, but I'm not happy about saying it." ~ Sweet_Cinnabonn

"YTA: It would be different if you were more career-oriented. However, blocking your husband's career advancement opportunities over 'something that keeps you busy and gives you something to do' makes you an a**hole."

"Your social circle shouldn't trump his career opportunities. Not saying you should quit, however, you can easily find another role 'that keeps you busy' within the same organisation." ~ Impossible_Rain_4727

One Redditor—Pure_Mongoose9887—addressed the entire discussion and the priorities of OP and the commenters:

"Sorry, but this is so dramatic and over the top. Everyone is acting like she's going to be chained to the stove barefoot and pregnant, and like her coworkers only exist in working hours and on campus."

"Of course a good work environment is a special and cool thing, but it most definitely shouldn't trump real career moves that aren't offered regularly, and cannot be easily turned down. I'd say the same if the genders were reversed."

"Hanging out with friends at the cooler isn't worth your husband being denied an opportunity to be a cornerstone of a UNIVERSITY. Is everyone okay‽‽ People are bringing up money like it wasn't stated they were already making 6 figures in a LOW cost of living area."

"I love my job currently, but if my partner was able to achieve a very large career milestone which called for me having to see my coworkers outside of work hours, it'd be a no brainer."

"If she's known these people for so long, there's no reason they can't continue their relationship outside of work, or even still at work albeit in different departments."

"Maybe YOU don't have aspirations to be a big wig, but some do, and it shouldn't be such an awful thing that someone may want to do bigger things with their career. Especially a SPOUSE!"

"SOCIAL CONTENTMENT? Can we PLEASE BE REAL‽‽ Y'all sound like a bunch of teenagers obsessed with hanging out and going to the mall. If anything wouldn't she have more time to work on her 'social contentment' with 40 extra hours of free time?"

"I don't know,  maybe it's because I don't desire to work in the first place, but someone retiring me at 40, so that I can have the opportunity to focus on hobbies and interests and people I love, is the exact opposite of a nightmare."

"And this also why you shouldn't be putting all your friend eggs into work baskets, she doesn't have any other social network outside of coworkers? And even so, what would happen if she were fired or laid off? Or HAD to move for another reason? Is she forever doomed to loneliness without this specific low level university desk job?"

"You guys are all the drama."

"She's 40, she can learn to make new friends and thrive in new environments. And if her work environment there is a so nice, who's to say it won't carry to the rest of the campus? And even if it is slightly worse, you can still see previous coworkers in passing, during lunch, during breaks, before and after work."

"Overall this is a** backwards. It's about more than money, it's about an opportunity to hold a position that comes few and far between, and it's wild that the strongest argument being made against her husband's career is that she loves her coworkers."

With the OP deleting her post after receiving negative feedback, it's unclear where she stands on her husband's career advancement versus her social contentment.

As several comments said, this is about more than money.