Content Warning: Controlling Behavior, Home Birth, Pregnancy Complications, Pregnancy Trauma
A major step in every future parent’s journey to bringing their baby home is establishing a birth plan.
But any first-time parents are not warned of how their birth plan might change at the time of the birth, or even how it might be disregarded.
The problem is that the doctor and nurses may not be the ones disregarding the birth plan, but other family members, pointed out the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Former_Monitor_4860 wanted to go the traditional route by going to the hospital at the time of her daughter’s birth, because she believed she and her baby would receive the best care there. Her husband and mother-in-law (MIL) were insistent on a home birth, however.
But when they went so far as to force her to stay home at the time of the birth, the Original Poster (OP) felt deeply traumatized over the whole experience.
She asked the sub:
“AITAH for telling my husband that he absolutely ruined the birth of our child?”
The OP’s husband was adamant about her having an at-home birth.
“Our daughter is now eight weeks old, so obviously, this whole argument has gone on a very, very long time. We both have been holding grudges, and neither of us thinks that we are wrong. My husband does not know I am posting this, so I am going to keep it as anonymous as possible.”
“So when I got pregnant with my daughter, my husband started in immediately, telling me that I should have a home birth.”
“I really do not know why he was so adamant about it, but he was. At first, I brushed him off and told him I would think about it because I was only six weeks pregnant, and the birth seemed so far off.”
“Of course, it came quickly, and my husband would literally speak over me at doctors’ appointments when my doctor would ask if I had a birth plan.”
Even the husband’s mother insisted on the home birth plan.
“This caused a few arguments between us in those 39 weeks of pregnancy, but I never really changed my mind.”
“Eventually, my husband’s mother sat down and talked to me, and she told me all of the reasons why they did not want me to go to a hospital for the birth.”
“I expressed my concerns about, you know, the safety of the baby and myself, but just like my husband, she brushed me off.”
“I ended up telling my husband that I would take myself to the hospital when it was time and that I did not want a home birth.”
“He acted as if he didn’t hear me.”
There was an insistent doula, as well.
“We met with a doula who was also very pushy.”
“I felt overwhelmed and not supported at all.”
“I was 36 weeks at that point.”
When the time of the birth came, the OP had no choice but to do the at-home birth.
“So, when I went into labor, I was 39 weeks, and I begged, absolutely begged, my husband to take me to the hospital where my doctor is.”
“He wouldn’t. He spoke to me condescendingly and called the doula instead.”
“I was in labor for about three days and active labor for around the last 22 hours.”
“I cried the whole time. I just felt something was wrong. I was scared, and oftentimes, they left me alone.”
“The doula told me that if active pushing and labor reached 24 hours, I had to go into the hospital.”
“I remember thinking that I could not decide which was worse, staying in labor for another two hours or having my baby right there.”
“When she was finally out, I don’t even remember wanting to hold her. I just remember crying out of relief.”
The OP’s husband refused to listen to her about her experience.
“Obviously, I am okay now, but I did not have a good experience.”
“On my first appointment after birth with my doctor, she was very shocked I had the baby. She was concerned. I was so upset.”
“I told my husband that he absolutely ruined it for me. I truly never want to go through that again.”
“I hear mothers say that they forget all the pain the second they have the baby, but I didn’t. I love my daughter so much, but it was horrible, and it was entirely his fault.”
“I told him that, several times. He rolls his eyes every time and tells me how mothers are ‘strong’ and how I am not trying to be strong.”
“I told him that if we ever have another baby, which he wants, that I will never do a home birth ever again. His response is, ‘We’ll see.'”
“I cannot possibly be the a**hole here, can I? Everyone around me is acting like this is so normal, but it’s not. Is it?”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some were worried about the OP and encouraged her to leave as soon as possible.
“This man and his family are a clear danger to you and your child.” – Cute-Profession9983
“Please see and understand this, OP: that was highly abusive, he made choice above your head and AGAINST your wishes, he pushed and did not listen to you at all, and worst of all: he shows no remorse or understanding that he did something wrong at all and pretty much told you he’d do it again.”
“He is a danger for you and your child! Get out! And DON’T TELL HIM UNTIL YOU AND YOUR BABY ARE SAFE!”
“He might take your phone/birth certificate or other important documents from you, etc. document everything and secretly plan to get out. Believe me, it will only get worse!” – archae0student
“He and his mother are treating the OP like a broodmare, and his comment about ‘We’ll see’ with the next one means he doesn’t give a crap about her and what she’s just gone through.”
“He’s going to do the same thing next time and will probably escalate if she tries to push back.”
“OP needs to get out and get out quickly. The fact that she’s even entertaining the idea of staying and having another kid means she should probably seek therapy because this is blatantly not okay and needs someone to put it in black and white for her.” – y00k33per0304
“CALL THE POLICE. REPORT EVERYONE. TAKE THE BABY AND LEAVE.”
“This is outright abuse of you at a very vulnerable time for you. NTA and DO NOT HAVE ANOTHER CHILD WITH THIS MAN! Please leave him now, before he raises your child his way and only his way.”
“Your wishes will never be respected, because this man and his mother do NOT respect you. Please, OP, put yourself and your daughter first.” – simply_clare
“My sister’s last home birth went sideways after she birthed him. We needed to call two ambulances (one for her and one for my nephew).”
“The midwives (distinction to be made here because from what I gather, doulas aren’t medically trained, though I could be wrong) weren’t able to medically intervene to the extent they needed to, so they needed the paramedics.”
“By the sounds of it, none of them (the flaming trash husband, monster-in-law, or coercive doula) would have been in a rush to get her medical help if she needed it because they’d be busy trying to save their own a**es. The only reason I could see them rushing to get her help is so that they can keep her around to carry and birth more children (shudder).”
“She needs to inform everyone that she knows that she’s at risk because people that could do that to someone don’t value life at all and certainly don’t respect her rights as a human let alone that baby’s mother.” – chickensaurus-rex
Others encouraged the OP to also get her doctor and the police involved.
“She should still contact the police now to report this crime. Holding a laboring woman captive against her will, deliberately refusing to allow her to get proper medical care, and forcing her to give birth in high-risk conditions against her explicitly stated wishes?”
“At the very least, that’s false imprisonment. Arguments could be made for reckless endangerment and neglect, as well.”
“Just because it happened 8 weeks ago doesn’t magically make this not a crime. I’d get a lawyer and go to the police to press charges. (The lawyer is to help protect her and her child’s best interests when dealing with police).”
“This is a ghastly offense, and he deserves to face serious consequences for it. OP and her baby quite literally could have died.” – SadMom2019
“This doula also needs to be held responsible and barred from participating in any more births.”
“She knew this was NOT what the OP wanted and still went with it.” – Individual_Fall429
“Are you in the US? Did you try to leave? Did he stop you? Did he take away your phone?”
“These are all crimes in the US. Report him now and leave to go somewhere safe to bond with your baby.” – tripmom2000
“Her mother-in-law is just as culpable. Run OP! Consult with an attorney as soon as possible.”
“This is not love or respect. It’s abuse.”
“Contact a domestic violence shelter. They can refer you to an attorney and provide housing and many social services.”
“Talk to your OB-GYN about how you were treated. Let them know you were abused.” – suzanious
“I want to really stress the importance of telling everyone around you, OP, that he did this to you and how awful and dangerous it was and is and absolutely will be again.”
“He risked your life. Think about that over and over and over again. He risked your life. And just for the sake of it, too.”
“We started giving birth in hospitals for a reason, and maternal mortality rates dropped because of it.”
“OP, please please please run and don’t look back; you will get custody given that he held you captive and refused to allow (sickens me to use the word ‘allow’ in this context and, with all the love and respect for you that it’s humanly possible to have, it should sicken you, too) you to get medical attention during a three-day long labor.”
“It’s repulsive, beyond divorce-worthy, and your ex and his family should not have access to you or your baby ever again.” – ilse_eli
The subReddit was shocked by how the OP had been treated by her husband and mother-in-law and the precarious situation she found herself in.
It was clear that she needed to leave right away so that this would not happen again.