No matter how big or small… surgery is surgery.
And people will always need help during recovery.
When a person is in a committed long-term relationship, it’s often assumed that one then has built-in help for these situations. But not every partner is capable of coming through.
This realization can stir up a lot of emotions.
Redditor Long_Angle_6244 wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback, so naturally they came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
They asked:
“AITA, for being mad after informing my wife about tumor surgery, but some of her first thoughts were about her planned trip?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I have been with my wife for over 10 years, and we have a child together.”
“I have been having headaches for the last couple of weeks.”
“All this time, it just kind of occurs to me that she doesn’t seem to care much whenever I tell her.”
“I had an MRI scan recently.”
“We both knew there was something wrong.”
“We were just not sure how bad it was.”
“Today, I was informed by my doctor that there is a fairly large cyst/tumor (2.5cm, ~half of golfball) behind my cheekbone that requires surgery.”
“As I mentioned this to my wife, I couldn’t believe one of her first thoughts was if we could still go to her friends (3 hours away) the day after the surgery.”
“She has been planning this trip for a while.”
“I was kind of mad after hearing this.”
“I told her I would probably prefer not to go after the surgery as common sense tells me I need time to recover.”
“Then she actually asked, ‘If she should just take our son with her while leaving me home.'”
“After hearing that, I blew up and started yelling and cursing at her over text.”
“She said I was being unreasonable, that she was just asking ‘questions’ for planning purposes.”
“Here I am thinking about the surgery and potential complications and risks, yet her first thoughts were about her trip, and she even asked if she should go without me.”
“I didn’t think it was appropriate to even ask this question.”
“I thought she would be thinking about how to help me recover.”
“This seems completely inconsiderate to me.”
“To be fair, I know if I asked her to stay, she would have.”
“Even though she was asking a question, it was the fact that she was considering leaving me alone that got me.”
“She also did plan to drive me on the day of surgery.”
“Also, the doctor doesn’t believe the cyst or tumor is cancerous so I’m not in a life-threatening situation.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“So am I the A**hole?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“NTA. Honestly, I would’ve had the same reaction you did.”
“When my husband was sick, I canceled s**t left and right to make sure I could be home to help him.”
“You’ll need food at a minimum.”
“Who knows, maybe wound care or assistance walking, someone to look out for whatever things of concern.”
“I don’t know.”
“At this point, I think if she stays home she may be spiteful.”
“Might be better to send them off and arrange to have someone who actually cares, come and help you.”
“Perhaps some marriage or divorce counseling is in order, too?”
“Good luck either way.”
“And please update us so we know you are safe.” ~ KaoJin-Wo
“After anesthesia, I usually need a few days before my brain will function, and even need help to the bathroom on the first day.”
“OP, please arrange for someone else to help during recovery if you can.” ~ Marketing_Introvert
“The post-surgery haze is no joke.”
“With the pain meds I was on, I was almost non-functional for days after surgery.”
“You gotta have someone there to help take care of you.” ~ starksdawson
“OP’s wife reminds me of a 20-year-old who thought he was going to a wedding the day after his knee surgery.”
“If she hasn’t had experience with surgery before, she may have watched too many TV hospital shows and think OP will be fine an hour after surgery and be going for his morning jog the next day.” ~ eileen404
“Usually after anesthesia, they want someone to keep an eye on the patient for 24 hours anyway.”
“Sometimes I react really badly to anesthesia coughing like a 3 pack a day smoker for weeks afterward.”
“But the last surgery I had on my hand as an outpatient.”
“I was awake and up within an hour, drove myself home, and started doing my normal stuff (somewhat hampered by a left hand that was basically a club). Recovery went well, but it was quite painful for a while.”
“Now it’s mostly fine.”
“NTA – Who asks if they can still go on a trip after their partner just had surgery?”
“That’s pretty lame honestly.” ~ False-Importance-741
“Yes, OP.”
“You should not be alone at any point for at least several days after surgery.”
“You’ll still have an anesthesia haze and complications can hit hard and fast.”
“You will need someone who is minimally in the house and checking up on you regularly.”
“You’re having surgery very close to your brain.”
“Your doctor will tell you how long you need to be monitored.”
“Once things cool down, please revisit this with your wife.”
“She may be selfish, or she may be in denial of how serious it is.”
“It would be good to have her with you when you do the pre-operational appointments, so she knows (and can’t deny) how important your aftercare will be, and that this isn’t a minor surgical procedure.” ~ Cloverose2
“OP, I would be freaking out, by my husband’s side the day of surgery and babying him the moment he got home.”
“He had a colonoscopy, and I dropped him off/picked him up.”
“Set him up at home wheels I worked and came straight home.”
“For a colonoscopy.”
“If it was surgery I would take at least several days off to take care of my husband and we don’t have kids.”
“This is unacceptable and it would cause me to rethink my marriage.”
“She doesn’t sound like she loves you anymore.” ~ Harmonia_PASB
“You shouldn’t have to ask her.”
“It should be a given.”
“She should have just said ok, I will cancel plans and stick the house and we’ll get through this – if she thought about the trip at ok.”
“Someone who is really your partner, wouldn’t even have asked those questions.”
“It would have been automatic.”
“I don’t get that. At all.”
“Not trying to be a d**k, but it kinda hurts my heart to even read that.”
“It also made me so thankful that my husband never had to go through that, never had to wonder WTF.”
“It never crossed either of our minds that I would be anywhere but by his side.”
“I also made damn sure he never knew the cost of that.”
“I wish you good health and a speedy recovery.”
“And healing of all sorts.” ~ KaoJin-Wo
“One thing I will point out is that she may have been shocked by the news and clinging to normalcy.”
“While I didn’t pull anything nearly as egregious as asking if I could still go on vacation, I am definitely guilty of some insensitivity in the name of trying to make things normal after my spouse’s cancer diagnosis.”
“This is not an excuse.”
“It does not make that not a-hole behavior.”
“Her doing that for that reason is still her putting herself first instead of turning to you.”
“But it’s one possible reason.”
“I would say couples counseling is definitely in order, at least.” ~ The_Ambling_Horror
“OP, NTA of course.”
“Your wife’s reaction is terrible and bizarre, but yelling and cursing is not something you should be proud of, and I suspect you know that.”
“If this is the first time in your marriage you resorted to that then it’s safe to assume it’s just the shock from her reaction, but if not, then you two should try to work on your relationship core issues.”
“Best of luck with your surgery! 🙏” ~ theAmericanStranger
“Doctor here. Do not underestimate how much post-op pain you’ll be in.”
“The face is highly innervated.”
“It’s not just the post-anesthesia concerns (I’m in the UK, and we do a lot of day-case surgery), there’s also the meds you’ll need to manage your pain.”
“Any surgery is an assault on the body, healing requires energy – you’ll be knackered for days.”
“Additionally, depending on what and how they approach your mass, you may have initial difficulty chewing, swallowing, and speaking due to swelling.”
“You will need someone to care for you.”
“Please ask your wife what she was thinking.” ~ SaxonChemist
“I would have had the same reaction too!”
“When my now-husband and I started dating he broke and dislocated his ankle.”
“He lived in a building with no elevator.”
“I took an unpaid week off work to buy him groceries, cook, help him into and out of the bath so he didn’t slip, and made sure he had everything he needed.”
“We’d been dating MAYBE three months.”
“I can’t imagine being 10 years in and wanting to go on vacation the day after he has BRAIN SURGERY.”
“What was OP’s wife thinking?”
“It’s so selfish.” ~ Uhwhateverokay
“NTA. My wife had a (cancerous) tumor discovered and then removed right in the middle of what had been planned to be a 2-month dream holiday after I finished a multi-year project at work.”
‘You know what I didn’t give a s**t about?”
“Missing out on that vacation when it came to her health and recovery.” ~ MyNameIsAlsoBort_
“The only question she should be asking is ‘How can I support you through this?’”
“This isn’t teamwork, as a marriage should be.”
“How can someone justify thinking of something as menial as a trip to see a friend when your husband has been told he has a golfball-sized tumor that needs operating?”
“That should shatter your world into pieces, not make you first consider your diary arrangements for a road trip.”
“NTA. And crossing fingers for you.” ~ Mustardforest
“NTA. She actually wants to leave you alone with no help the day after surgery, to go on a fun trip.”
“Either she has no idea how serious this is for you, or she doesn’t care.” ~ ExistenceRaisin
“NTA. My mom had the same thing earlier this year and while she was pretty optimistic about it, she still had pretty much 10+ offers of people to drive her, look after her, or just visit her.”
“After the operation, we made sure she wasn’t alone for the first week.”
“Can’t imagine leaving anyone I care about alone.” ~ Wiedword
“Marriage issue or not – this comes down to someone’s basic core humanity.”
“I’ve broken up with someone who did me dirty but then I found out a mass shooting happened at one of the places they had planned to attend.”
“And I reached out to make sure they were ok and if they needed anything.”
“It’s basic human decency.”
“I’m sorry your wife couldn’t have that.” ~ Foamy-lizard
“NTA. I just had a breast biopsy done (thankfully not cancerous).”
“The day I had it my sister took off and stayed at the hospital so she could drive me home, where she bought me lunch and hung out.”
“In the afternoon my ex-husband and his wife picked up all the kids and came over to make us all dinner.”
“Family and the people who care about you focus on helping you get through scary s**t.”
“That’s just crazy.” ~ Zephyr_Bronte
“NTA. Find out how long you will need care!”
“And bluntly tell your wife that you expect HER to care for you, once you are past needing nurse care.”
“Per her marriage vows.”
“Simple but needed things, like bring you food, help you walk to the bathroom if your balance is off, bring you water and help with meds, pillows to prop you up.”
“As I presume you took household burdens off her for weeks after she had your child.”
“Her just going off and abandoning you when you need care is a deal breaker.” ~ bkwormtricia
“How does your wife usually deal with scary/emotional things?”
“Sometimes people need time to process this type of information and skip to mundane topics during that time.”
“Going with NAH, give her some time.” ~ AITAH-No-Troll
Reddit is very concerned for you, OP, and are on your side.
You deserve better than this from your partner.
It doesn’t matter how big or small… surgery is surgery!
You will need help.
And your spouse should want to be there.
After this situation is said and done, it may be time for some serious couples therapy.
Good luck with everything.