Balancing a household is not always as easy as an adult task.
There are so many variables to juggle.
Money, kids, chores, freedom, expectations… the list is endless.
That’s why it can be frustrating when one partner seems to be making decisions that impede a more peaceful process.
Redditor GlassFalcon1249 wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback, so naturally, he came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
He asked:
“AITA. Wife turned down a dream job with a better schedule and higher salary?
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“Background information. I am (30 M[ale]) a teacher (Currently in Graduate school to pursue being a principal).”
“My wife (29 F[emale]) is a P[hysical] T[herapist].”
“We have two kids aged 3.5 and 2.”
“Both were adopted.”
“Wife currently works at a non-profit as a PT.”
“Last August, she turned down a PT job at a local school district that would have paid her 30% more than she currently brings home, currently brings home 65k, could’ve made 85k.”
“Her current job gives two weeks’ vacation and covers part of her insurance premium.”
“They do not offer any retirement matching.”
“She currently works 40 hrs a week, Monday-Friday, on Fridays she works as a pediatric PT as a 1099 employee, and claims to enjoy it.”
“The school job would’ve covered her entire health insurance premium monthly and also offered a pension plan.”
“The school jobs schedule would have been 8:30 am-3 pm Monday-Thursday.”
“With holiday breaks and summers off, just like a teacher’s schedule.”
“She would have had all of the same breaks that I do as a teacher. I currently work at the same district where the job was.”
“Before everyone attacks me, I am very familiar with how this job is.”
“Her best friend wound up taking the position after she declined.”
“I see her friend at my building sometimes rolling in close to 9 AM to start the day.”
“I do realize that most of the patients she would see are on an I[ndividualized] E[ducational] P[lan]”
“But considering she sees patients now that are also difficult, I am just super puzzled about the decision.”
“One last thing, I have also gotten a weird feeling about her infatuation with her boss at her current job.”
“He is married and has kids, seems like a nice guy.”
“I’ve never thought he seemed flirty towards her when I’ve been around, but she does seem to hold him in such high esteem, almost in a strange way.”
“He is about 10-12 years older than both of us.”
“Long story short, she turned down that job because she claimed she wouldn’t enjoy that type of environment for doing PT work.”
“Here’s the part I really struggle with: My wife is constantly stressed about working and juggling two kids, and we are getting close to being financially able for her to work part-time.”
“However, she is constantly negative and very critical of me and others.”
“We have to walk on eggshells around her.”
“Any time we have an argument about chores or other household duties, she immediately attacks me with ‘you have more time off, so you should do them all.'”
“I agree, I do have more time off.”
“I enjoy a schedule that allows me to be with my family more.”
“I was previously in sales, working weekends sometimes until 10 pm, often before having kids.”
“I probably do about 95% of the dishes and cleaning and 70% of the laundry.”
“I also do our finances and grocery store runs.”
“I pick up the kids from daycare and drop them off frequently.”
“Any time we get into an argument, I really have to bite my tongue about her complaining about not having any free time, when she turned down that job, in my mind, she forfeited the right to complain about not having free time.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“So, AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
“NAH. This is probably more complicated than how you describe it.”
“Your wife may have undergone extensive schooling for her occupation and have genuine concerns or reasons for not wanting that job.”
“I think there could be other solutions in her life for her stress level.”
“You two should talk about it and approach solutions as a team.”
“You saying ‘I told you so’ is not really going to help.” ~ HotAndShrimpy
“Though she is being grossly underpaid.”
“PTs usually earn at least 75K starting out, but depending on job and location, up to 100K, and that’s as a new grad.”
“She’s earning far below that and sounds a lot more experienced than a new grad.”
“She is being taken advantage of and should either ask to be paid her worth or move on.” ~ awesomeXI
“Just because it was a dream job in your mind doesn’t mean it was a dream job for her.”
“It may have been more stress on her or a million different other things.”
“Yes, it could have given her more free time, but at the price of other things.”
“Maybe you both need to sit down and talk instead of arguing back and forth and wanting to throw things in each other’s faces.” ~ AellaReeves
“This right here, something people are forgetting.”
“Sometimes you have to think about what is going to be best for the family.”
“This job was going to be worth more money and give her more flexible times.”
“It isn’t her husband’s job to work full time and do the lion’s share of looking after the kids and then walk around on eggshells because her current job leaves her in this state.”
“If the genders were reversed, I’d hazard a guess that people would be saying things differently.” ~ Puzzled_Moment1203
“Okay, this is quite a significant development.”
“I’m not sure that an AITA is going to be helpful.”
“For what it matters, you are not an AH, but you do have a sizeable problem, and it’s the kind of problem that can lead to significant resentment. NTA.” ~ Something-bothersome
“I don’t see why you should bite your tongue.”
“If she gets to complain, then you also get to complain.”
“Put this subject on the table and discuss it, and complain about it.”
“It sounds like you’re already building some resentment due to her choice to work longer for less money.”
“Don’t let it fester.”
“Would she have let you turn down that opportunity? NTA.” ~ Aggressive_Cup8452
“NAH. She can decide what job she enjoys.”
“Sometimes we take a job that pays less, but is still comfortable and more fulfilling.”
“That is okay. It sounds like it’s your dream of her job, but not her dream job that she turned down.”
“The bigger issue is that you are doing the bulk of tasks at home, and it sounds like you are feeling somewhat resentful, and she’s feeling burned out.”
“You need a bigger conversation.”
“You both have a right to complain.”
“Choosing one job over another doesn’t mean you don’t get to complain.”
“But sometimes, complaining doesn’t fix anything.”
“In this case, you need to work together to figure out what each of you needs to make this family work.” ~ gossamersilk
“NAH. I think it’s fair for her not to want to drastically change work environments.”
“But the communication and stress that you describe isn’t sustainable, and this post reeks of resentment.”
“You need to talk with each other.” ~ iilinga
“NTA. She made her bed, and now she has to lie in it.”
“Don’t bite your tongue; tell her in no uncertain terms that the position she is currently in is entirely her fault, and she should not complain when you absolutely fulfill practically all of the household duties and more.”
“40 hours a week is standard.”
“She has the same amount of free time as most Americans, if not more, AND she barely has to do any chores or finances.”
“Ask her what she plans to do to meet her goals and fix the things she complains about, and why she feels these are even issues in the first place.” ~ CallMeCr0w
“NTA. Your wife is the AH.”
“Her not taking this job is putting herself before the well-being of her family.”
“If she really didn’t like the job, she could always change it in the future, but giving up an opportunity that will make everyone in your family’s lives easier is insane and selfish.” ~ Cool_Prior1427
There are some Redditors who felt differently…
“There are obviously more issues here, but about the job specifically, you are YTA.”
“Let’s say you got a job offer for better pay and hours, but it is teaching at a technical college, and you teach elementary school, and you want to continue teaching elementary school.”
“So you turned that job down.”
“Would that mean that you have completely forfeited the right to complain about bad days at work at your current job, or feeling stress and pressure about work and family life, etc.?”
“That would be ridiculous for you to be held to that standard, and it is ridiculous for you to hold anyone else to that standard.”
“The other stuff about splitting the home responsibilities or feeling like you are walking on eggshells around her, there are other things going on that you guys need to have discussions about, but strictly on whether or not she’s allowed to complain about her job, you are in the wrong there.” ~ Cicity545
“YTA. Jobs at school districts are horrible these days.”
“You’re telling her it’s her dream job, but it clearly isn’t, or she would have taken it.”
“Are you her partner or her owner?”
“I’m not saying you should let other issues go.”
“They deserve to be dealt with.”
“But if you can’t respect her decision, maybe you need to think about the relationship.” ~ wishlist
“YTA. Have you considered she might not want to work for the same ‘company’ as you?”
“She might be saving your marriage!” ~ NotAUnicorn-ANarwhal
Most of Reddit is with you, OP.
Your wife made a choice that seems to be causing more stress than necessary, especially for her.
It may be time for a calm and serious chat.
This is about what affects all of you.
Good Luck.